J. Curtis - Calexit - The Anthology

Miguel asked, “Why is using this to hunt birds not exactly by-the-book?”

Chad answered, “Two reasons. One is that we need to apply for a permit to control any pests. It takes a month for Sacramento to grant permission and these birds will be a hundred miles away by then. The other reason is that these are lead pellets. Lead is a prohibited substance in Cali and it is a felony to possess it in any form.”

Miguel said, “It is going to take me forever to get enough birds to eat.”

Mardi smirked. She knew what was coming.

Chad said, “Thing is… I got two of these pellet guns. I figured I would let the girls use one and the boys use the other. As soon as you have ten birds between the two teams we will cook them up and add them to dinner. The way I see it, eating meat regularly tends to make people forget about the fine print that don’t matter.”

Bonita made a point of asking Mardi for tips on hunting the birds. Mardi coached her. She told Bonita about bait and cover. She told her about decoys and fields of fire. Bonita passed this wisdom to her girl team, they soundly beat the boys in the number of birds they brought to the table, at least the first few times. But the boys watched the girls and they learned so the competition became more evenly matched after that.

“Do it over.” Chad said.

Miguel said, “You have got to be kidding me! We just picked the bugs off of 3,000 feet of potatoes.”

“Do it over.” Chad said.

Miguel stared at him.

Chad said, “Step over here so we can talk about it.” They quietly walked away from the work crew.

Once they were fifty yards away from the crew Miguel exclaimed, “Are you nuts! We just finished those rows.”

Chad said, “Your crew was sloppy. You were sloppy. I walked those rows. There are still plants with bugs. You can’t miss them. They are orange. There are bugs on the ground. Those bugs will just crawl back up on the potatoes and lay more eggs.”

Chad pointed, “The bugs on the ground mean that your crew was sloppy handling the tarps. You are supposed to drag the tarps down the row. The crew shakes the plants. When there are a lot of bugs on the tarps your crew is supposed to pour the bugs off the tarp and into the buckets. Then you put the covers on the buckets. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

Chad continued, “People will perform to your expectation. The way to communicate what you expect is by what you inspect. I inspected the rows you claimed to have de-bugged. They do not meet my expectations. Do them over. Tell your crew that I directed you to inspect each row when they think they are done. Call me when you are sure they will pass my inspection.” With that, Chad walked off.

Four hours later Chad walked the rows with Miguel. As he walked, Chad explained “We are not allowed to use chemicals. Sacramento tells us how many pounds of potatoes we must ship each year. That number is higher than what I shipped when I was allowed to use chemical fertilizers and synthetic pesticides.”

“Missing any bugs leaves breeding stock for the next generation.”

“The other thing you have to consider is what we do with the bugs. Some farms squish them and use them for fertilizer. We do something different.”

“Did you ever wonder where those eggs you eat at breakfast come from? They come from ducks. Do you know what ducks are? They are machines that turn bugs into eggs. Those potato bugs become duck food.”

“But why should I have to inspect my people’s work? It is like I don’t trust them.” Miguel asked.

“You are looking at it the wrong way.” Chad said. “How did you feel when I inspected the rows and they were good? You know that I am a tough inspector.”

Miguel thought for a minute. “I guess I felt like I beat you… that I beat the game.”

Chad asked, “Was that a good feeling?”

Miguel said, “Well, yeah.”

Chad continued, “So how do you think the crew feels when they tell you they finished a row and are ready to have you inspect it… and you cannot find any bugs?”

Miguel said, “Like they did a good job. Maybe a little bit proud.”

“Damned straight they feel that way.” Chad said, “They know it is not your idea. They know that I directed you to do that, so they not only beat your expectations, they beat mine.”

“And tomorrow morning there will be three eggs at breakfast for everybody who wants them. More bugs means more eggs. Not from me, but from the ducks.”

“Sacramento is sending the welfare people to check out our operation, and we have a problem.” Mardi said at dinner later that evening.

“Why’s that?” asked Chad.

“The crew weighs too much. I bet they have all gained at least ten pounds since they started.” Mardi said. “You know that is going to raise a bunch of questions, starting with the government assuming that we are hording food.”

Indeed, that was a problem.

Chad had the crew knock off work an hour before dark the following evening. He had something he wanted to show them. “I am going to teach you the fine art of tight-lining for bullheads tonight. Not only that, but I am going to teach you how to make fish traps.” Chad told the group. “The aqueduct between here and East Orosi is filled with small fish and crayfish we are going to catch a bunch of them.”

Chad showed the crew how to make fish traps from old bicycle wheels, PVC conduit and poultry netting. He cautioned, “These traps are illegal but they catch tons of fish… we just need to bait them with bird guts and road kill. The other thing I am going to do is to teach you to catch fish with a line-and-hook so you have a cover story for all of the fish you trap.”

“You need to take turns doing this at night. Everybody knows bullheads bite best at night.” Chad said. “I am willing to let the two who go fishing sleep in a little bit but the rest of the crew needs to pick up the slack because we need to catch a butt-load of fish in the next week.”

For the first time, Houa Yang piped up, “Count me in.”

Early on, Chad had asked Miguel what Houa’s story was.

Miguel said, “Houa used to go to some place called Cal Poly but they threw him out.”

Chad asked, “Do you know why they threw him out? He is twenty-four and this is his first summer of farm work.”

Miguel said, “He told me that the school got tired of his shit and threw him out.”

That had Chad puzzled. You did not stay on the academic track until you were twenty-four if you were a trouble maker. “Exactly what did he say?”

Miguel said, “You know how those college kids like to use fancy words. He said, ‘The school rejected my feces.’”

Chad, mulling it over, said, “Feces, feces, feces… thesis? Twenty-four at Cal Poly and he was probably working on his Ph.D… And they dumped him because they did not like his thesis.” Chad decided he needed to keep a closer eye on Houa. He was quiet but he was probably just being cautious and was scoping out his new environment.

A couple of nights later Houa and Brigid, who hailed from Marin county, brought in a load of twenty pounds of assorted fish in the wee hours of the morning. Chad got up to help them process the fish.

That gave him time to talk to him.

“Houa” Chad said, “I heard you used to be a student at Cal Poly. Is that true?”

“Yup. Sure enough boss.” Houa replied.

“How did you get in?” Chad asked. “I thought Moonbeam signed an Executive Order that every school had to have a student population that reflected the demographics of Cali.”

Houa said, “Well, boss, there was a way around that. Do you remember when Moonbean signed the Executive Order allowing three adults to join in matrimony?”