Robert Heinlein: From the Notebooks Of Lazarus Long

Always store beer in a dark place.

By the data to date, there is only one animal in the galaxy dangerous to man -- man himself. so he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him.

Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.

Get a shot off FAST. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.

There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. but there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will KNOW. So why fret about it?

If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.

It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but WHICH ONE? Differences are crucial.

A fake fortune-teller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters.

A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms. Most self-described "pacifists" are not pacific; they simply assume false colors. When the wind changes, they hoist the Jolly roger.

Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy.

A generation that ignores history has no past -- and no future.

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!

Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.

It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

If you don't like yourself, you CAN'T like other people.

Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate -- and quickly.

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons; "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome.

Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.

Cheops' Law: Nothing EVER gets built on schedule or within budget.

It is better to copulate than never.

All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children. All else is surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly which can -- and must -- be dumped in emergency to preserve this prime function. As racial survival is the ONLY universal morality, no other basic is possible.

Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on any foundation other than "Women and children first!" is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal. Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried endlessly -- and no doubt will keep on trying.

All men are created unequal.

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.

A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.

There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.

When the need arises -- and it does -- you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out -- that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.

Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.

Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.

N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. so think ahead!

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man.

Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded -- here and there, now and then -- are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck."

In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil MASTER."

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dream world.

The second best thing about space travel is that distances involved make war very difficult, usually impractical, and almost always unnecessary. This is probably a loss for most people, since war is our race's most popular diversion, one which gives purpose and color to dull and stupid lives. But it is a great boon to the intelligent man who fights only when he must -- never for sport.

A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.

There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled 'Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are NOT part of "Nature" -- but beavers and their dams ARE. But the contradictions go deeper than the prima facie absurdity. In declaring his love for a beaver dam (erected by beavers for beaver's purposes) and his hatred for dams erected be men (for the purposes of men) the "Naturist" reveals his hatred for his own race -- that is, his own self-hatred.

In the case of "Naturists" such self-hatred is understandable; they are such a sorry lot. But hatred is too strong an emotion to feel toward them; pity and contempt are the most they rate.

As for me, willy-nilly I am a man, not a beaver, and H.

Sapiens is the only race I have or can have. Fortunately for me, I LIKE being a part of a race made up of men and women -- it strikes me as a fine arrangement and perfectly "natural."

Believe it or not there were "Naturists" who opposed the first flight to old Earth's Moon as being "unnatural" and a "despoiling of nature."

"No man is an island -- " Much as we may feel and act as individuals, our race is a single organism, always growing and branching -- which must be pruned, regularly to be healthy.