Robert Heinlein - From the Notebooks Of Lazarus Long

Rub her feet.

If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do.

Be patient and you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe.

Learn to wait.

Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs -- sex especially. When they are growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any invasion of their privacy.

Oh, sure, they'll make mistakes -- but that's their business, not yours. (You made your own mistakes, did you not?)

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she's not.

If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. there may be no candidates and no measures you want to vote FOR... but there are certain to be ones you wish to vote AGAINST. In case of doubt, vote AGAINST. By this rule you will rarely go wrong.

If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning fool (there is always one around) and ask his advice. then vote the other way. this enables you to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without spending the enormous amount of time on it that truly intelligent exercise of franchise requires.

Sovereign ingredient for happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.

Those who refuse to support and defend a state have no claim to protection by that state. Killing an anarchist or a pacifist should not be defined as "murder" in a legalistic sense. The offense against the state, if any, should be "using deadly weapons inside city limits," or "Creating a traffic hazard," or "Endangering bystanders," or other misdemeanor.

However, the state may reasonably place a closed season on these exotic asocial animals whenever they are in danger of becoming extinct. an authentic buck pacifist has rarely been seen off Earth and it is doubtful that any have survived the troubles there...regrettable, as they had the biggest mouths and the smallest brains of any of the primates.

the small-mouthed variety of anarchist has spread through the galaxy at the very wave front of the Diaspora; there is no need to protect them. But they often shoot back.

Another ingredient for a happy marriage: budget the luxuries FIRST!

And still another: See to it that she has her own desk -- then keep your hands off it!

And another: In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!

"God split himself into myriad parts that he might have friends." This may not be true but it sounds good -- and is no sillier than any other theology.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

Does history record ANY case in which the majority was right?

When the fox gnaws -- Smile!

A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is a logic in this: he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.

Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social occasions.

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.

In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly.

To be "matter of fact" about the world is to blunder into fantasy -- and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful.

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.

Copulation is spiritual in essence -- or it is merely friendly exercise. On second thought, strike out "merely" -- even when it is just a happy pastime for two strangers. But copulation at its spiritual best is so much more than physical coupling that it is different in kind as well as degree.

The saddest feature of homosexuality is not that it is "wrong" or "sinful" or even that it can't lead to progeny -- but that it is more difficult to reach through it this spiritual union. Not impossible -- but the cards are stacked against it.

But -- most sorrowfully -- many people never achieve spiritual sharing even with the help of male-female advantage; they are condemned to wander through life alone.

Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born and long before he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and no human ever ceases to need it.

Keep your children short on pocket money -- but long on hugs.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.

The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other conman.

But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.

A whore should be judged by the same criteria as other professionals offering services for pay -- such as dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers, et cetera. Is she professionally competent? Does she give good measure? Is she honest with her clients?

It is possible that the percentage of honest and competent whores is higher than that of plumbers and much higher than that of lawyers. And ENORMOUSLY higher than that of professors.

Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic; this doubles your effective lifetime -- and thereby gives time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and rainbows.

Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely!

Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields.

But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that it.

"Go to HELL!" or other direct insult is all the answer a snoopy question rates.

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business but -- " is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.

A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she IS beautiful -- he just hadn't noticed at first.

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank."

"All's fair in love and war" -- what a contemptible lie!

Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy. Deductive logic is tautological; there is no way to get a new truth out of it and it manipulates false statements as readily as true ones. If you fail to remember this, it can trip you -- with perfect logic.

The designers of the earliest computers called this the "Gigo Law," that is, "Garbage in, garbage out."

Inductive logic is MUCH more difficult -- but can produce new truths.

A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. for exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an ant hill should be reserved for the very wittiest.