Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

Deety answered, "Captain, I will do as you say. But we might be a billion klicks from nowhere and hit by a meteor. If anyone can gasp, 'GayHome,' then we are two klicks over our cabin site in air, not vacuum. Even if we've passed out, Gay won't crash us; she's built not to. If I'm gasping my last, I don't want to have to say, 'Gay Deceiver, take us home. Execute.' That's ten syllables against two... with air whooshing out."

I said, "That settles it. The 'Gay Home' program stands unless my successor changes it."

"You're not talking to me, Captain Sharpie darling-I mean, Captain Hilda-because I'm not your successor. But Deety convinced me. I will not admit that those vermin have run me permanently off my own planet. At least I can return to it to die."

"Son, let's not speak of dying. We are going to stay alive and raise kids and enjoy it."

"That's my Pop! Say, doesn't anybody want to see this picture?"

We made it a rest stop, worrying more about giant termites than about bushes... and Jacob found a can opener. The can opener. I put a stop to an attempt to fix the blame. Advice to all explorers: Do not roam the universes without a spare can opener.

Then it was "Prepare for lift!" and a new program. "Chief Pilot, switch on

autopilot. Gay Deceiver. Explore. True bearing two-six-five. Unit jump five minima. Use bingo stop continue. End program short of sunrise line. Ground. Acknowledge by paraphrase."

"Explore west five degrees south fifty-klick units. Two-second check each jump. Ground myself no power Greenwich time oh-three-seventeen."

"Deety, is that time right?"

"For that program."

"Gay Deceiver. Program revision. Cancel grounding. From program coded 'A Tramp Abroad' display locus. Display Bingoes."

She displayed Mars at once, but gibbous. I scrawled a note to Deety: "How do I rotate to show day side only?"

Dear Deety! She wrote her answer. Passed it over-I doubt that our men saw it: "Program revision. Display locus real-time day side."

Gay accommodated. It took several steps to define new locus as sunset line (right edge - east) to sunrise line (left edge - west), and between 50°N and 50°S (some Russian area had been close to 45°S, so I widened the search)-then let

the locus move with the terminators. (Gay can "see" in the dark but I can't.) I told her to end "Explore" at Greenwich oh-three-seventeen and start "A Tramp Abroad," continue until directed otherwise, and had Gay repeat back in her phrasing.

I touched Zebbie's shoulder, pointed to the switch that cut out Gay's ears, drew a finger across my throat. He nodded and shut her out. I said, "Questions, gentlemen? Deety?"

"I do, Captain," said our Chief Pilot. "Do you plan on sleeping tonight?"

"Certainly, Zebbie. An ideal sleeping spot would be one far from the Russians but close to the present sunset line. Or did you want to work all night?"

"If you wish. I noticed that you gave Gay a program that could keep her going for days or weeks-and that you had reduced H-above-G to six klicks. Breathable air. By rotating duties, with one or two always stretched out aft, we can stay up a week, easily, and still give Jake's ankles a break."

"I can skip a night's sleep," said Deety. "Captain Auntie honey, with enough random samples and a defined locus, sampling soon approaches a grid a fly couldn't get through. Do you want the formula?"

"Heavens, no! As long as it works."

"It works. Let's make a long run, get a big sampling. But I'd like to add something. Let's parallel the display onto a sidelooker screen, and light every vertex-while the main display shows Bingoes. You'll see how tight a screen you're building."

"Sharpie, don't let her do it!" Zebbie added, "Scuse, please! Captain, the Astrogator is correct on software but I know more about this hardware. You can crowd a computer into a nervous breakdown. I have safeguards around Smart Girl; if I give her too much to do, she tells me to go to hell. But she likes Deety. Like a willing horse, she'll try hard for Deety even when it's too much."

Deety said soberly, "Captain, I gave you bad advice."

Her husband said, "Don't be so humble, Deety. You're smarter than I am

and we all know it. But we are dependent on Smart Girl and can't let her break down. Captain, I don't know how much strain the time-space twister puts on her but she has unnecessary programs. At the Captain's convenience, I would like to review everything in her perms and wipe those we can do without."

"My very early convenience, sir. Is the schedule okay?"

"Oh, sure. Just don't add that side display."

"Thank you, Chief Pilot. Anyone else? Copilot?"

"My dear... my dear Captain, is there some reason to find a spot near the sunset line? If you intend to work all night?"

"Oh! But, Jacob, I do not plan to work all night. It is now about twenty hundred by our personal circadians, as established by when we got up. I think we can search for three to four hours. I hope that we can find a spot to sleep near the sunset line, scout it in daylight, let Gay land herself on it for her perms-then return to it in the dark when we get tired"

"I see, in part. My dear, unless I misunderstood you, you are heading west. But you said that you wanted to find us a place to sleep near the presert sunset line. East. Or did I misunderstood you?"

"It's very simply explained, Jacob."

"Yes, dear Captain?"

"I made a horrible mistake in navigation."

"Chief Pilot, did you spot it?"

"Yup. Yes, Captain."

"Why didn't you speak up?"

"Not my business, Ma'am. Nothing you planned to do was any danger."

"Zebbie, I'm not sure whether to thank you for keeping quiet, or to complain because you did. Deety, you spotted the mistake, I am certain. You are supposed to advise me."

"Captain, I'm supposed to speak up to stop a bad mistake. This was not. I wasn't certain that it was a mistake until you told on yourself. But you spotted the mistake when Gay predicted the time to end the 'Explore' program, then you corrected it by telling her to shift to 'A Tramp Abroad.' So there was never a reason to advise you."

I let out a sigh. "You're covering for me and I love you all and I'm no good as captain. I've served as many hours as Zebbie and we are on the ground, so now it's time to elect someone who can do it right. You, Zebbie."

"Not me. Jake and Deety must each do a stint before I'd admit that it might be my turn."

"Captain-"

"Deety, I'm not captain; I resigned!"

"No, Aunt Hilda, you didn't actually do it. It is my duty to advise you when you seem about to make a bad mistake. You made a minor mistake and corrected it. In my business we call that 'debugging'-and spend more time on it than we do on writing programs. Because everybody makes mistakes."

Jane's little girl managed to sound the way Jane used to. I resolved to

listen-because all too often I hadn't listened to Jane. "Captain Auntie, if you were resigning because of the way your crew treated you-as Zebadiah did- I wouldn't say a word. But that's not your reason. Or is it?"

"What? Oh, no! You've all helped-you've been angels. Uh, well, mostly."

"Angels'-hummph! I can't use the correct words; I'd shock our men. Aunt Hilda, I gave you far worse lip than I ever gave Zebadiah. You slapped me down hard-and I've been your strongest supporter ever since. Zebadiah, what you did was worse-"

"I know."

"-but you admitted that you were wrong. Nevertheless you've been chewing the bit. Demanding explanations. Zebadiah, the captain of a ship doesn't have to explain why she gives an order. Or does she?"

"Of course not. Oh, a captain sometimes does explain. But she shouldn't do it often or the crew will start thinking they are entitled to explanations. In a crunch this can kill you. Waste that split second." Zebbie brooded. "Captain says 'Frog,' you hop. Couple of times I failed to hop. Captain, I'm sorry."