Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Jacob, if Deety likes those pants so well that she saved them and fetched them along, I won't ask her to give them to me."

"I will ask her. Hilda, you worry about the wrong things. We pooled resources. I chucked in my candy bars, Zeb chucked in his car, Deety chucks in her sailor pants."

"And what did I chuck in? Nothing!"

"Your mink cape. If you offered it to Deety in exchange for a pair of old white-"

"It's a deal!"

"It is like hell, Mistress Mine. That cape is valuta. Only days ago each of us was wealthy. Now we are unpersons who can't go home. What happens to our bank accounts I do not know but it seems certain that we will never realize anything from them, or from stocks, bonds, and other securities. Any paper money we have is worthless. As you know, I have bullion and gold coins and Jake has, also; we each like money that clinks and we don't trust governments. Gay must be juiced from time to time; that calls for valuta. Such as gold. Such as mink coats. Come out of there before you freeze! I would rub you dry but that giant termite worries me."

"Last night Zebbie rubbed me dry."

(Why do women have this compulsion to confess? It is not a typical male Vice.) "He did? I should speak to him."

"Jacob, you are angry."

"Only somewhat, as yesterday we didn't know about the giant termite, and Zeb and I considered your guard rules silly. Nevertheless Zeb neglected his duty."

"I meant 'angry with me'!"

"For what? Did you force it on him?"

"No. He offered it-towel open and ready, just as you do. I went straight into it, let him wrap me and rub me down."

"Feel good?"

"Golly, yes! I'm a bad girl, Jacob-but I loved it."

"Don't give yourself airs, my darling; you are not a bad girl. Yesterday was not the first time Zeb has rubbed you dry."

"Well... no." (They have to confess, they have to be shrived.)

"Do you any harm, then or now?"

"I don't think so."

"I'm sure it didn't. Listen, beloved-you are twenty-nine going on forty-two. You've had three term contracts and now have a traditional marriage. In college you were a scandal to the jaybirds. Zeb has been your chum for years. Both of you horny as goats. My darling, I assumed what is called 'the worst' and is often the best."

"But, Jacob, we didn't, we didn't! And we haven't!"

"So? People who pass up temptations have only themselves to blame. Just one thing, my only love, if you and Zeb ever pick up the matter, try not to look guilty."

"But we aren't going to, ever!"

"Should it come to pass, warn Zeb not to hurt Deety. She loves him deeply. Not surprising as Zeb is a lovable man. Get your shoes on, dearest one, and we'll let someone else have the community bathtub."

"Jacob? You still think we have. Zebbie and I."

"Hilda, I married you convinced that Zeb was, at that time and for some years, your lover. Or one of them. Today you have convinced me that the matter is unproven... assuming that one or both of you have rocks in your head. But I can't see that it makes a tinker's dam either way. Jane taught me that the only important rule is not to hurt people... which very often-Jane's words!-consists in not talking unnecessarily."

"Jane told me that, too. Jacob? Will you kiss me?"

"Madame-what did you say your name was?-that is the toll I charge before a client starts up this bank."

As we climbed, I asked Hilda, "Darling, what is the animal that eats cellulose but is carnivorous?"

"Oh. Two. H. sapiens and Rattus."

"Men? Cellulose?"

"Sawdust is often processed as food. Have you ever eaten in a fast food joint?"

My daughter had done a wonderful job on preprograms; we all were eager to learn them. We placed guards, Zeb and me, at the doors, while Deety took Zeb's seat and talked, and Hilda sat in mine.

"Captain Auntie had two ideas," Deety told us. "To optimize emergency escapes and to work out ways to use as near to no juice as possible. The latter involves figuring ways to ground us in strange places without the skill Zebadiah has in dead-stick grounding."

"I don't depend on skill," put in my son-in-law. "Lwon't risk a dead-stick grounding other than on a hard-surfaced strip. You've seen me avoid it twice- by power-on just before grounding. Yesterday I cut it a bit fine."

I shuddered.

My daughter continued, "We have this new program. Set it, by voice, for bearing and as many minima as you please. Our Smart Girl goes there and attempts to ground. She uses radar twice, once in range-finder mode, second time in precautionary mode as in 'Bug Out.' If her target is not clear, she does a Drunkard's Walk in locus ten klicks radius, sampling spots two per second. When she finds a good spot, she grounds. Unless we don't like it and order her to try again.

"Study that and you will see that you can cruise all over this or any planet, land anywhere, and not use juice.

"Escape programs- We must be most careful in saying G, A, Y. Refer to her as 'smart girl' or 'the car' or anything not starting with that syllable. That syllable will now wake her. If it is followed by her last name, she goes into 'awaiting orders' mode. But if G, A, Y, alone is followed by any of eight code words, she executes that escape instantly. I have tried to select monosyllables that ordinarily do not follow her first name. Gay Deceiver."

"Hi, Deety!"

"Dictionary. G, A, Y. Read."

"Gayety, gayfeather, Gayle, Gaylord, Gay-Pay-Oo, gaywings-"

Captains aren't supposed to cry.

Hilda:

I ordered an early dinner by starting it when Zebbie and Deety went down to bathe. I had ready a public reason but my motive was personal: I didn't want a pillow talk with Jacob.

Annoyed at him? At me! I had had a perfect chance to keep my lip zipped- and muffed it! Was I boasting? Or confessing? Or trying to hurt Jacob? (Oh, no!-can the id be that idiotic!)

Don't rationalize it, Sharpie! Had not your husband been kind, tolerant, and far more sophisticated than you ever dreamed, you would be in trouble.

When dinner was over, Zebbie said lazily, "I'll do the dishes in the morning."

I said, "I prefer that they be done tonight, please."

Zebbie sat up and looked at me. His thoughts were coming through so strongly that I was getting them as words. I never allow myself to be close with a person whose thoughts I can't sense at all; I distrust a blank wall. But now I could "hear" such names as "Queeg" and "Bligh" and "Vanderdecken" and "Ahab"-and suddenly Captain Ahab was harpooning the White Whale and I was the whale!

Zebbie bounced to his feet with a grin that made me uneasy. "Sure thing, Cap'n! Deety, grab a rifle and hold it on me to make sure I get 'em clean."

I cut in quickly, "I'm sorry, Chief Pilot, but I need the Astrogator. Jacob is your assistant."

When they were gone, Deety said, "Will my shotgun do? I don't think the cardboard eater comes out in daylight."

"Bring the guns inside; we're going to close the doors."

I waited until we were settled. "Deety, will you make me a copy of your new programs before our men come back?"

"If they take time to wash them properly. Men and dishes-you know."

"I hope they stall-"

"-and get over their mad," Deety finished.

"That, too. But I intend to write a sequential program and I want you to check me. After you make that copy."

They did stay down-"man talk," no doubt. Men need us but can just barely stand us; every now and then they have to discuss our faults. I think that is why they shut us out.

Deety made a copy while I wrote what I planned to do. Deety looked it over, corrected some wording. Looked it over again-and said nothing pointedly.

"Deety, can you handle your father's lab camera?"

"Certainly."

"Will you check its load and shoot when I ask for it?"