Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"I'm glad you said Yes, Lazarus. Had you said No, I would have broken off negotiations. I'm not telepathic-but you may find it inadvisable to lie to me. We must change the computer situation-part now, part later. You didn't give her the right code words."

"That's right. 'Chinchy' and 'mean' equal-"

"-Roger Wilco, but reversed meaning."

"Eh? That's a deep-down memory. Yes. Hmm- I must insert that phrase into Galacta. Useful." The water was just right, with deep, fragrant suds. I stepped down into it, picked a seat that let me lounge. "I should have said to Dora- Shall I tell Dora now?"

"With a modification. I want the equivalent of a simple telephone, so that I can call anyone, anyone can call me-and the same for you. But kill the snoop circuits throughout this suite."

"No trouble. We can call out at any time; that is a safety feature, permanent. As for calling in, I usually limit it to the twin commanding; she's entitled to disturb me, if needed. If not needed-well, neither Laz nor Lor enjoys being called 'stupid,' especially by me."

I changed the orders to Dora and did not cheat; Mrs. Burroughs and I were now truly in private, although anyone could reach us-voice only. "What next, Ma'am?"

"Some permanent changes for Dora, now that she can't hear us. Tentative plans for your mother's rescue. Then we talk business. Is there a seat in that pool where I won't drown?"

"Oh, certainly. When Laz-Lor were your size, they often bathed with me- I've had as high as six in this tub although that's a bit cozy; it's a four-adult design. Here, let me help; you can't see through these suds." Helping Hilda Burroughs reminded me of handling Laz-Lor at the same size, prepubescent... but I was acutely aware that this small, warm, slick body was postpubescent by many years and I got a twinge that I was pleased to have figleafed by suds. "Feel under you-find the seat,? Temner~l-uire suit. von?"

"Luxurious. On Tertius refreshers are social rooms, are they not?"

"Yes. Over the years I have found that nude cultures, or those with no taboos about nakedness, tend to make bathing a social event. Ancient Romans. Ancient Japanese. Many others."

She answered, "Whereas cultures with strong body taboos equate bathing rooms with outhouses back of barns. Disgusting." Mrs. Burroughs looked disgusted. I noted this as I had thought it would be necessary to get them used to skin before exposing them to the easy-going ways of Tertius... lest I jeopardize my mother's rescue. I had instructed Laz-Lor to hold us in irrelevancy until all of them, with no urging, accepted the comfort of complete bareness in perfectly tempered conditions, and simply forgot about bodies qua bodies. This does not mean to forget yin-yang... but it has long been known to all but legislators, judges, and other fools that a scrap of clothing fig-leafing whatever may be taboo (taboos vary endlessly and each is a "law of nature") is far more stimulating than is no clothing.

(Warning to time-travellers: To assume that the taboos of your native culture are "natural" and that you can't go too wrong behaving by the rules your loving parents taught you is to risk death. Or worse. If you think death has no "worse," read history.)

To return to pretty little Mrs. Burroughs: To be enjoying a bath with her a few minutes after she had had me subjected to personal indignity was the second most surprising thing about her. The most surprising thing I was still learning: This fragile little doll with the muscles of a kitten was the toughest bitch kitty I have ever encountered.

Understand me, I admire her. But I want to be on the side she is on. "What changes in Dora do you want, Ma'am?"

"Lazarus, I'm 'Ma'am' to strangers and on formal occasions. I don't consider bathing all that formal; my friends call me Hilda. Or by nicknames. Even pet names. But not 'Ma'am."

My answer got me splashed. She went on, "In attempting to hornswoggle me, you gave me, through your accomplices, a phony command and rank- while retaining control of the computer necessary to make it real. I require that you carry out your contract. Now. By reprogramming Dora to me as her sole boss, with the program locked so that you can't change it. Me and me alone,"

She smiled, leaned toward me, and placed a hand on my knee under water. "That's why I insisted on privacy-for Dora's sake. She's self-aware and seems quite vulnerable. Lazarus, I don't mind anyone in this ship hearing anything I've been saying. But I don't discuss surgery when it is likely to upset the patient." She leaned forward. "Scratch between my shoulder blades-pretty please?"

I welcomed time to think, while requiring her to coach me-higher, lower, a little to the left, ah, right there. .

"Hilda, I'm not sure it can be done. I did reprogram Dora so that her loyalty in crisis is to Laz-Lor. But it took me years and was not done by circuitry or by programming Dora is so thoroughly a self-aware personality that it is necessary to win her love in order to aain her lovaltv"

"I find that believable. Lazarus, let's see you pull a hat out of the rabbit."

"You mean-"

"I meant what I said. Any second-rate magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat. Can Lazarus Long pull a hat out of a rabbit? Watch this space next week. It's your problem, Lazarus; you created it. I won't make a second contract with a man in default on his first. Do you want your back scratched while you think? You scratched mine deliciously."

I accepted by leaning forward. Hilda is telepathic though perhaps not in words. She knew which spots and how hard and how long.

And when to stop. She dropped her hand as I straightened up... and her hand brushed against me and stopped. "Well! Truly I did not intend to be provocative, old dear."

I put an arm around her; she did not pull away but continued, "I won't refuse you. I have not given a man reasonable cause to call me a tease since I was twelve. But wouldn't it be sensible to table this until after we have rescued your mother and set up our business structure? If you find-then- that you are interested, you will let me know. If you do, I ask that you cooperate with me in saving my husband's feelings and face. And... I am... having trouble saying this- Damn it! Please stop and tell me the plans for rescuing your mother."

I stopped, allowed a hand's width to separate us. "Have you forgotten the hat and the rabbit?"

"I'm afraid I did. Very well, you've won this round; we attempt to rescue your mother. I waive the broken contract-but we do no further business. Just the rescue, then we leave,"

"I thought you promised me a second chance-later?"

"What? Lazarus, you're a bastard."

"I'm not but the term has no meaning on Tertius. Here's the 'hat.' You designate me your flunky-any title-for this ship. My sole function will be to be in earshot-through Dora or otherwise-to insure that your slightest wish is carried out. Night or day."

"Making me a privileged figurehead, still vulnerable to your whim. The hat won't fit."

"Very well-second hat. We ground on Tertius; I move Dora into another ship-she accepts that; it has happened before. I sign this ship over to you with a new computer of the same capacity, programmed for ship's routine but unawakened. You let it awaken to your personality. You'll be its mother."

"That's better. Close but not on. Lazarus, you and I are going to be in business together a long time. I won't take your ship. Instead you're going to build me a ship, a tender for Gay Deceiver but moved by a Burroughs continua device-the first such ship built by Burroughs & Long, Ltd., a subsidiary of Carter Engineering Company. Another subsidiary is Carter Computers, which may assemble computers but primarily will build Burroughs Time-Space twisters under some innocuous name, and sell them only inside our complex setup- much more complex; we'll work on it together. But our biggest subsidiary will be Libby & Smith, Real Estate. That one rebuilds solar systems."