Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

They conferred mentally an unusually long time. At last Captain Lor said slowly, "It isn't quite simple. We will get Dora and Athene to integrate it for us... if data are complete; they may not be. But answering in Old-HomeTerran years and meaning our own biological time, Laz thinks we are about forty-eight and I think we are a couple of years younger. It doesn't matter because Ishtar will tell us when to rejuvenate, which won't be soon, as we aren't yet close to menopause."

"Does it have to be at menopause?"

"Oh, no, just makes it easier and you never have to stop making babies. But Ishtar's mother went years past menopause and had decided to die... and changed her mind and looks younger than we do and has had more babies than we have. This time around, I mean."

"How often do men need it?" Sharpie asked. Jake looked up and said, "I won't need it for another six weeks, Hilda. Maybe seven."

'Shush, dear. Laz-Lor, be careful around my husband. When he's in rut, it takes heavy chains to restrain him. So never mind that question; he doesn't need to know and, for me, it was intellectual curiosity of a biologist. Perhaps it s best to ask Doctor Ishtar."

"Yes, Commodore, that would be best. We aren't biologists; we're ship handlers."

I leaned forward. (Sharpie was keeping us in the car; why I didn't know- then.) "Commodore! I'm required to advise you."

"Yes, Zebbie."

"You are going to need a new chief of staff, a new second-in-command, and a new astrogator because I will be on the binnacle list in a wet pack if you don't have Laz-Lor answer that last one. It is not 'intellectual curiosity' to me."

"Why, Zebbie dear, I have reports that your curve is such that it will be many, many years before you can possibly have other than intellectual interest."

(If it were not for upsetting Jake, I would paddle that pert little arse!)

Deety said, "Hear, hear!" I placed my hand over her mouth and got bitten. Sharpie said, "Captain, we have here another paradox-Doctors Carter and Burroughs, each unreasonably insecure. Elizabeth, you've been a man; give them the male angle."

"Commodore, I wasn't very successful as a male. I simply took antigeria whenever Lazarus did. But I can report his thumb rule."

"Yes?"

"When a man looks at a new and attractive woman and decides that he is too tired, it's time. When he doesn't even look, push him over and bury him; he's failed to notice that he's dead."

The ship's computer said something in that not-Spanish; Sharpie answered, "Graz, Dora. I'll come now."

Lor said, "Ma'am, we didn't know you knew Galacta."

"I don't. But I will a week from now. I knew what I would say in your position, and you said it; I could tell from cognates. You told Dora to get him out pronto, because the Doña was on her way. Then get his personal belongings when I would not be inconvenienced, So I stalled. Zebbie, will you come with me? Jacob dearest, will you decide whether or not we should give up our suite with the Carters? And what to move out of Gay? We will be in Dora at least a week, possibly longer."

"Commodore, we depart for Tertius tomorrow midday, ship's time."

"I do not recall ordering that, Captain Lor."

The twins looked at each other-and said nothing.

Sharpie patted Laz's cheek. "Don't look so thunderstruck, girls"-girls?-seven years or so Sharpie's senior and seven babies between them-"On reaching Tertius, place us in orbit, following local rules. But no messages from ship to ground unless approved by me in writing. Come now!"

As Sharpie left with me in tow, she told Deety that she was on her own but please get out Jacob's Army blues and my Aerospace dress, and ask Dora about cleaning and pressing.

Jake said, "Hey!" before I could, and Sharpie said, reasonably, "I won't put you into a long skirt, sweetheart; you would feel that I had coerced you into drag. I thought perhaps you two were bored with civilian dress-and I shall continue the custom concerning dressing for dinner-either formal dress or formal skin Nofhin~i ii, hefw~pn

Upon reaching flag cabin Sharpie dismissed Laz-Lor, waited until we were private, then clung to me. "Hold me, Zebbie. Hold me tight! Calm me down." The little thing was shaking.

"Maybe I had better get Jake," I suggested, while holding her and petting her gently-and solving aerodynamic empiricals in my head to keep from noticing how much skin such a tiny woman can spread over one.

"No, Zebbie. Jacob would fuss over me like a mother hen and give me advice I don't want. Either I boss this job without my husband telling me what to do....r I can't cut it. If I fail, I will fail on my own-not as Jacob's puppet. But I can cry on you and tell you things I wouldn't tell my own toothbrush."

She added, "When I send you out, find Jake and have him teach school to everybody. That'll keep him busy and happy and out of my hair. And everybody else, too. Have both computers record his lectures."

"Lectures on what?"

"Oh. Too many details. The plenum of universes and the Number of the Beast. Pantheistic multiple solipsism, or why the Land of Oz is real. The quantum mechanics of fairy tales. Even the care and feeding of Black Hats. He'll probably want to take people into Gay....ut you must be present; don't delegate it. Jacob can go along and lecture but it's Zebbie's sharp eye that will see to it that nothing is touched."

She patted my chest. "You're such a comfort. Now I'm going to dig out this ship's papers and you're going to help because I don't know what to expect. Or where to find them. Certificate of ownership, I suppose, and registration, and ship's manifest whatever that is. What else and where should I look?"

"A log. Crew list, passenger list. Health inspection, maybe. Other inspections. Bureaucracy and red tape tend to follow the same patterns everywhere. Maybe no paper papers; that looks like a computer printout over there. Mmm- Insist on English; the originals are almost certainly in Galacta."

"I'll try it. Dora."

"Listening, Commodore Hilda."

"Print for me, in English, the ship's official papers. Ownership, registration, manifests, and so forth. You know the list. Retrieve soonest."

"I am not authorized to do this, Ma'am."

"Not authorized' by whom?"

The computer did not answer. Sharpie said, "Stick around, Zebbie; there's going to be trouble. Do you have any weapons?"

~'Where? Look at me. How?"

"I don't know but you're clever about such things. Dora!"

"Your orders, Commodore?"

"Get me Captain Lor! In person, not voice. I want her here on a dead run- right now! Out!"

(I did have a weapon. I had palmed an item as I left Gay. But never admit a holdout.)

Laz-Lor arrived, breathing hard, seconds later. "You sent for us, Ma'am?"

"I sent for Captain Lor; I did not send for Laz. Out. Pronto!"

Laz had her mouth open to speak. She got out so fast the door was only Partly ~ ~ ~

'Dora! Repeat to Captain Lor every word that you've heard, every word you've said, since I entered this cabin."

The computer started with Sharpie telling Laz-Lor they could leave... then surprised me with: 'Hold me, Zebbie. Hold me tight. Calm me down."

I started to speak, Sharpie shook her head. Dora droned on, right through Hilda's order to repeat back all the computer had heard or said since we came

in.

The computer stopped; Sharpie said, "Dora, you told me this morning that you could not scan in here without permission."

"That is correct, Ma'am."

"Who gave you permission?"

The computer did not answer.

"Captain Lor, did you or your sister tell this computer to spy on me and to refuse to answer certain questions?"

"No, Ma'am."

"Then it's your brother Lazarus. Don't bother to lie; I didn't ask, I told you. Fetch your brother to me, under arrest. Move!"