Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Then please tell Dora."

"Dora, did you hear what I said to the Commodore?"

"I surely did, Professor Jake! Six more?"

I felt my waistline-firm and many centimeters trimmed off. "Six more is what I want-"

"Right away!"

"But half of one is all I dare eat. Deety, the next time we go to Oz, will you ask Glinda whether or not there is a magic for gluttons-me, I mean-to permit them to eat as much as they want while three fourths of it disappears?"

"I'm sure she could do it; I'm equally sure that she would not. She's an ethical witch; you would not be able to convince her that your purpose was worthy."

"You are depressingly logical, my dear."

Lib said, "Professor, you have actually been to the Land of Oz? Really and truly?"

"Really and truly. Dora, is Gay on the line?"

"On deck, Jake"-Gay's voice.

"Has anyone been in to see our portside annex?"

"How could they? Captain Hilda has not authorized it."

"But- Hilda?"

"No, dear. Sorry to be blunt, Commodore and Doctor Lib, but I won't authorize an open door because there are too many things that must not be touched. But I will be delighted to escort guests into Gay Deceiver almost anytime including right now; I've finished eating."

"I accept!"

"Then come along, Elizabeth. Anyone else?"

Lazarus said, "Dora, shove my breakfast to the back of the stove; I'll eat it later."

"A jelly omelet? I'll eat it myself."

"Do that, Dorable. Captain, I'm ready."

Laz-Lor showed up together, did not want to be left out. We ended up quite a crowd: eight humans, two computers.

Hilda stopped us at Gay's starboard door. "Friends, again I must be blunt. As you cross the sill of that door, you are leaving Star Yacht Dora and entering an independent command, the Gay Deceiver, even though Dora totally sur

rounds Gay. Inside that door, I command, responsible to no one, unlimited in authority. Captain Lor, do you understand and agree with the legal theory?"

Captain Lorelei glanced at her sister, looked unhappy. "Captain Hilda, I do agree. Therefore I can't come aboard. I can't abandon my command."

My wife looked terribly distressed. "Oh, I'm sorry!"

Lazarus Long interrupted. "Captain Hilda, I'm sorry another way. I don't agree with your legal theory. I have had more than two thousand years more experience with law than my sister has... all sorts of law in all sorts of cultures. I'm not speaking of justice; I'll leave that to philosophers. But I know what legal theories work with humans, and what ones have been attempted, then abandoned because they could not be made to work. This situation is not new; it has occurred thousands, millions, of times: a larger vessel with a smaller vessel nested in it. The solution is always the same, whether it concerns starships, fishing boats, aircraft carriers, whatever. The smaller vessel is a separate command outside the larger vessel, but when it is inside the carrier vessel, it is legally part of it."

My darling did not answer. She was picking out me, Zeb, and Deety by eye as Lazarus talked. As he finished she said briskly, "GayDeceiverOpenStarboardDoor. Man the car, prepare for space."

I'm proud of our family. Zeb zipped past me to the farthest seat-which left me room to dive for mine as Deety was picking up Hilda bodily, shoving her inside, crowding in after her, turning and pulling her feet clear of the doorframe-yelping, "GayCloseDoors!"

I was belting in but looking to the right, where the action was. Lazarus Long grabbed the door while calling out, "Hey, wait a moment!"

He realized his mistake in time to keep his fingers. I had argued with Zeb when I discovered, during refitting, that he had removed the interlocks that prevent that sort of accident. He answered my protest: "Jake, when I tell those doors to close, I want them to close. If, in closing, one chops off a man's head, you can assume that I think he looks better that way."

Lazarus saved his hand but was knocked off his feet by the door-and I saw a bit of why he had lived so long. Instead of trying to check his fall, he gathered himself into a ball and took it on one buttock.

"Report!"

"Copilot belted checking seal!"

"Chief Pilot belted all systems go. Door seal being rechecked."

"Navigator belted, ready."

"Starboard door seal okay!"

"GayBounce!"

We were in free fall. No stars-total darkness.

"Astrogator. Advise."

"I don't know, Captain. We'll have to ask Gay whether or not she can backtrack. Any backtrack. Beulahland, or any spot in her perms. I'm lost."

Suddenly the stars came out. "Dora, calling Gay Deceiver. Come in, Gay."

"Don't answer. Zebbie, advise again. What happened?"

"I'm guessing. They cancelled encapsulation rather than risk losing us.

They must be awfully anxious." Zeb added, "The only thing we have that you can't buy at the corner drugstore is Jake's space-time twister. How they knew of it and why they want it I do not know."

"Dora, calling Gay. Gay, please talk to me. Aren't you still my friend? I know our bosses had a silly fuss-but we didn't. Aren't you ever going to speak to me again? I love you, Gay. Please don't be mean to me."

"Captain Hilda, may I please say hello to Dora and tell her that I am not angry at her? She's a sweet girl, she really is. Captain, she let me use her eyes."

"Let me speak to her first."

"Oh, thank you! Gay, answering Dora. Come in, Dora."

'Gay! You had me so scared. Don't go away again, please. The Commodore wants to apologize to your boss. Will she talk to him?"

"Captain?"

"No. I'll speak to Dora's Captain, however."

A cartoon of Lorelei's features displayed on our central screen. "Lor speaking, Captain Hilda. My brother is terribly sorry and wants to apologize. My sisters and I are dreadfully upset and want you please to come back. I don't claim any command over your ship despite the silly things my brother said. Lib has a message for you, too. She says that, topologically, there is no difference between you being inside us or us being inside you. Either way, we each surround the other."

"I don't see it topologically, Captain; I see it pragmatically. But please thank Elizabeth for me. I have this message for Lazarus Long. A cat can be caught in almost any trap once; but that cat will not be caught in the same trap twice."

"The message is delivered."

"Then it is time to say good-bye. Captain Lorelei, I cannot honestly thank you as kidnapping is not hospitality even when it is luxurious. But I don't think that you or your sister-sisters-meant it that way. I blame it on that deceitful, devious brother of yours. Please tell your sisters and Libby good-bye for us and say that I am sorry we had to leave."

"Captain, wait! There is something I must do first."

"Captain Lor, I must warn you I have you in my gunsights."

"What? Oh! We are unarmed. Not anything like that. I'll be back quickly. Perhaps you would like Dora to sing? But please don't go away!" The face in the screen pulled away.

"What kind of songs do you like, folks? I know lots of songs. One-Ball Reilly; and the Green Hills and On Guard Christmas So's Yours and Santa Carolita and Mademoiselle from Army Tears and the Pawnshot song and The Monkey Wrapped His Tail Around the Flagpole and Mary O'Meara and Soldier, Ask Not and just tell me what you like, and-here comes Sister. Captain Lor."

"Captain Hilda, thanks from my heart for waiting. Can you record?"

"Gay, recording mode. Go ahead."

"I have placed my brother under arrest and confined him to quarters. I, Captain Lorelei Lee Long, Master of Star Yacht Dora, affirm for use in any court that I have no authority over yacht Gay Deceiver and will never attempt to assert authority over Gay Deceiver no matter what circumstances and,

furthermore, I now place myself, my crew, and my ship Dora under command of Captain Hilda Burroughs, henceforth commodore of both ships, this assignment of command irrevocable by me or my sisters, and revocable solely by Commodore Burroughs at her sole discretion. End of message. Hilda, won't you come home? Laz is crying and I don't know what to do. We need you. Buddy Boy never did tell you why. But we do! May I tell you?"