Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Female without surgery-none of those fakes done with a knife. But even

Ish couldn't have done it had not Lib supplied XXY, so that Ish could balance the clone either XX or XY by careful attention to endocrinal glands. Or could she? Must ask. Ish is genius-cubed, smarter than most computers. Lazarus can now explain his next sleight-of-hand-slightly illegal."

"Hey!" I protested. "How about the corpse jettisoned into the Ozarks, Dora? Who was that?"

"Why, that was Lib."

"Lib is right here. I've got my arm around her."

That computer went tsk-tsk-tsk. "Deety. Doctor Deety. Ijust finished telling you that the Lib you are cuddling is a clone. After they drained every memory out of that frozen brain, what was left was dog food. Lib got slashed in the spine by the local equivalent of a cave bear. Ripped out her-his-backbone. Once Ish was through with it, Laz froze it again, we took it back and placed it in orbit, where we found it later-to our great surprise."

"How could you be surprised when you put it there yourselves?"

Dora announced, loudly, "Is there a mathematician in the house?"

"Stop it, Dora. Thank you for recounting my saga; I learn a little every time I hear it." Lib turned toward me and said softly, "Biological time versus durational time, Twin. Follow the entropy arrow through the loops of biological time and you will see that Lazarus was honestly surprised at every step even though he had-will-had-rigged every surprise. No grammar for it. Deety, I understand that you have studied semantics. Shall we try to devise a grammar for space-time complexities in six curved dimensions? I can't contribute much but I can try to punch holes in your work."

"Love to!" I wasn't fooling. My twin is so sweet that maybe Deety is fairly sweet herself.

"A cat can be caught in almost any trap once-"

Jacob:

If A, then B. I trust I am a rational mathematician, not one of the romantics who have brought disrepute to our calling through such inanities as defining "infinity" as a number, confusing symbol with referent, or treating ignorance as a datum. When I found myself in the Land of Oz, I did not assume that I had lost my reason. Instead it prepared me emotionally to meet other "fictional" characters.

Stipulated: I may be in a locked ward. But to assume that to be factual serves no purpose other than suicide of personality. I shall act on what my senses report. I am not the bumpkin who said on seeing a giraffe: "There ain't no sich animal."

I find myself in bed with my lovely wife Hilda in sumptuous quarters of star yacht Dora as guests of the utterly fictional "Lazarus Long." Is this a reason to try to find the call button in order to ask a still-more-fictional nurse for a nonexistent shot to end this hallucination? This is an excellent bed. As for Hilda Solomon has reason to env5i me; Mahomet with all his houris is not as blessed as I.

Tomorrow is soon enough to unravel any paradox. Or the Day After Tomorrow. Better yet, Not This October. After The End of Eternity may be best.

Why disturb a paradox? As Dora pointed out, Hilda and I are a pair o' docs ourselves . with no wish to be disturbed, and most certainly not to be unravelled.

Since Hilda married me, I have not once taken a sleeping pill.

No one called us. I woke up feeling totally rested, found my wife in the fresher brushing her teeth with, Yes, Pepsodent-removed brush from mouth, kissed her, placed brush back in her mouth. When she finished brushing her teeth, I asked, "Seen the kids?"

"No, Jacob."

"So. Dora!"

"No need to shout; I'm sitting on your shoulder. Would you like breakfast trays in bed?"

"Have we missed the breakfast hour?"

"Professor Burroughs, breakfast hour in me starts at midnight and ends at noon. Lunch is at thirteen, tea at sixteen-thirty, dinner at twenty, snacks and elevenses at any time. Dinner always formal, no other meal."

"Hmm- How formal is 'formal'?" Hilda now had more wardrobe-but Beulahiand is not high style.

"Formal' means formal dress of your culture or ours, or it means skin. No casual dress. As defined by the Commodore: 'Whole hawg or none.' Amendment: Jewelry, perfume, and cosmetics are not proscribed by the no-casualdress rule. Ship's services include sixty-minute cleaning and pressing, and a variety of formal dress of New-Rome styling, washables for the convenience of guests who do not travel with formal dress, prefer to be dressed at a formal meal, and do not choose to dine alone."

"Very hospitable. Speaking of washables, we found everything but a dirtyclothes hamper. I have a laplap to put in."

"But that's a washable, Doctor."

"That's what I said. I've worn it; it should be washed."

"Sir, I am not as fluent in English as in Galacta. By 'washable' I mean: Step into a shower while wearing it; it will go away."

Hilda said, "We'll take a dozen gross."

"Captain Hilda, 'dozen' and 'gross' are not in my memories. Will you please rephrase?"

"Just a side remark to my husband, Dora. What are New-Rome high styles today?"

"Today' I must construe as meaning the latest I have in stock. Styles follow the stock market. In evening dress, men are wearing their skirts floor length with a slight train. Bodices are off one or both shoulders. Bare feet or sandals are acceptable. Colors are bright and may be mixed in discordants. Weapons are required-may be symbolic but must be displayed. Ladies, of course, follow the cycle out of phase. Skirts are hardly more than ruffles this season, worn quite low. If tops are worn-not required this season and some ladies prefer cosmetics in flat colors-if worn, the teat windows may be either open or transparent. Transparents having quarter-lambda iridescence are popular this cycle, especially if one teat is bare without cosmetics while the other sports a changing-iridescent transparency." The computer's voice changed from a well-modulated adult female voice to that of an eager little girl:

"I hope somebody picks that; I like to look at it! How about Doctor Deety and Doctor Lib, one shiny on her left teat, the other shiny on her right, and place them side by side. Neat, huh!"

"It would be spectacular," I agreed. (And they would look like clowns! Still, Deety might go along. The child likes to please people, even a computer. Perhaps especially a computer.)

"You old goat, would you like a skirt with a slight train?"

"Hilda!"

"Dora, do you have formal washables in my husband's size? What measurements do you need?"

"I have the Professor's measurements, Ma'am. I will fetch an assortment to your quarters sometime after noon when you are not sleeping or otherwise engaged. An equivalent assortment for you, I assume?"

"If you wish, Dora. I may not wear that style."

"Captain Hilda is an excellent composition herself. I'm an expert engineer; I know good design when I see it. That's not flattery; Laz-Lor tell me that I should learn to flatter. I'm not sure I have the circuitry for it. Perhaps I can learn it from Gay."

"You sure can, Dorable; I've been flattering my four charges seems like forever."

"Gay, have you been listening?"

"Mad at me, Aunt Hilda?"

"Never angry with our Gay Deceiver. But it's polite to let people know you're present."

"But- Dora has eyes and she lets me look."

"Captain Hilda, Gay is with me all the time now. Do you forbid that? We didn't know." Dora had slipped into her little-girl voice and sounded stricken.

Time to intervene- "Gay, Dora-Hilda and I don't mind. I'll tell Deety and Zeb; they won't mind."

"Jake, you're my pal!"

"Gay, you've saved our lives many times; we owe you any fun we can offer. But, Gay, with Dora's eyes and ears you'll see and hear things not seen by your radars, not heard unless we switched you on. Do either of you have the word 'discretion' in your perms?"