Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Random' is used a number of ways, my love, but it usually means a set in which the members are equal in probability of experiencing some event, such as being next to be chosen."

"If they're 'chosen,' how can it be 'random'?"

Deety snickered.

Zebbie said, "Don't let him snow you, Sharpie; 'random' means 'I don't know'-as you said."

"Aunt Hilda, pay no attention to Zebadiah. 'Random' is what you have when you maximize entropy."

"Now, Daughter, that is hardly a mathematical statement-"

"Pop, if I gave it to her in mathematical language she'd faint."

"Deety, quit picking on Sharpie," Zebbie said sternly.

"I wasn't picking on her. Hillbilly has this silly notion that we didn't get anywhere hunting vermin because we went about it systematically....ut every time we told Gay to shake up her random numbers and do as she pleased, we got results."

"Well, didn't we?" I put in, intentionally shrill. "We had endless failures....ut every time we gave Gay her head-'Put her on random numbers,' as Deety says-we never had a failure. 'Random' and 'chance' are not related. 'Random chance' is a nonsense expression."

"Auntie darling, you're out of your skull. Don't worry, Pop; pregnant women often get the vapors."

•I indignantly listed things that could not be "random" or "chance"-then discovered" that Deety and I had to start dinner. We left them wrangling, and were careful not to giggle within earshot.

After dinner, instead of that tired toast, Jacob said, "Hilda, would you explain your concept of 'random'? Zeb and I have been discussing it and agree that there is some factor in our adventures not subject to analysis."

"Jake, that's your statement. I just said, 'I dunno,' and wiped the drool off my chin. Tell us, Sharpie."

"But Jacob told us a month ago. There isn't any such thing as 'chance.' It's a way of admitting ignorance. I thought that I had begun to understand it when we started hitting storybook universes. Lilliput. Oz. Dr. Smith's World. Wonderland. I was so sure of it- You remember three weeks ago after our second visit to Oz? I ordered a day of rest; we spent it on Tau axis instead of Teh."

"Dullest day we had," said Zebbie. "You put us in orbit around Mars. Not just one Mars but dozens. Hundreds. The only one worth a fiat dollar was the one we aren't going back to. I got permission to go off duty and take a nap."

"You weren't on duty, Zebbie. You three slept or read or played crib. But I was searching for Barsoom. Not hundreds, Zebbie-thousands. I didn't find it."

"Hillbilly, you didn't tell me!"

"Dejah Thoris, why bother to say that I had been chasing the Wild Goose? I swallowed my disappointment; next day we started searching Teh axis... and wound up here. Would I have found Barsoom had I asked Gay to run the search? Defined her limits, yes-as Zebbie did on Mars-ten--but, having defined it, told her to take her random numbers and find it. It worked on Marsten; we mapped a whole planet in a few hours. It worked on Teh axis. Why wouldn't it be best for another search?"

Jacob answered, "Dearest, Zeb fed Gay a defined locus. But how would that apply to this, uh, speculative... search?"

"Jacob, Zebbie told us that Gay holds the Aerospace Almanac. That includes details about the Solar System, does it not?"

"More than I want to know," Zebbie agreed.

"So Gay knows the Solar System," I went on. "I thought of reading the Barsoom stories to Gay, tell her to treat them as surface conditions on the fourth planet-then take her random numbers and find it."

Jacob said gently, "Beloved, the autopilot doesn't really understand English."

"She does in Oz!"

My husband looked startled. Jacob has immense imagination....ll in one direction. Unless one jogs him. Zebbie caught it faster. "Sharpie, you would be loading her with thousands of bytes unnecessarily. Deety, if they've got those novels on New Earth-I'll find out-what do you need to abstract in order to add to Gay's registers an exact description of Barsoom, so that Gay can identify it-and stop her Drunkard's Walk?"

"Don't need books," my stepdaughter answered. "Got 'em up here." She touched her pretty strawberry-blonde curls. "Mmm....o to sleep thinking about it, tell it to Gay early tomorrow before I speak to anybody. Minimum bytes, no errors. Uh... no appetizer."

"A great sacrifice, merely for science."

"A one-eyed Texas honeybutter stack?....nd the prospect of meeting the original Dejah Thoris? Never wears anything but jewels and is the most beautiful woman of two planets."

"About that stack-,Jane's buttermilk reciDe?"

"Of course. You're not interested in the most beautiful woman of two planets?"

"I'm a growing boy. And ain't about to be trapped into damaging admissions." Zebbie stopped to kiss Deety's retroussé nose and added, "Sharpie, Gay can't handle the full Number of the Beast and anyhow Jake locked off most of it. What's the reduced number, Jake?"

Deety promptly said, "Six to the sixth. Forty-six thousand, six hundred, fifty-six."

Zebbie shook his head. "Still too many."

Deety said sweetly, "Zebadiah, would you care to bet?"

"Wench, have you been monkeying with Gay?"

"Zebadiah, you put me in charge of programming. I have not changed her circuitry. But I learned that she has four registers of random numbers, accessible in rotation."

"A notion of my own, Deety. Give them down time. Keep entropy at maximum."

Deety did not answer. Her face assumed her no-expression. Her nipples were down. I kept quiet.

Zebbie noted it also-he does check her barometer; he once told me so. When silence had become painful, he said, "Deety, did I goof?"

"Yessir."

"Can you correct it?"

"Do you wish me to, Zebadiah?"

"If you know how, I want it done soonest. If you need a micro electrician, I have my loupe and my micro soldering gear."

"Not necessary, Zebadiah." My stepdaughter made a long arm, got a walkytalky we keep indoors-with six hectares, it is convenient to carry one outside the house. "Gay Deceiver."

"Hi, Deety," came this tiny voice from the ear button. Deety did not place it in her ear. "Hello, Gay. More gain....ore gain... gain okay. Retrieve Turing program Modnar. Execute."

"Executed. Did he chew the bit?"

"Goodnight, Gay. Over."

"Sleep tight, Deety. Roger and out."

I cut in fast. "Gentlemen, the dishes can sit overnight. I vote for a ramble among the universes, say two hours, then early to bed. The other choice is, I think, channel one with the Beulahland Choir and channel two with Bible Stories Retold: 'The Walls of Jericho.' Both are highly recommended... by their sponsors."

It felt good to be back in a jump suit. I was turning out lights, making sure windows were fastened, gathering up one walky-talky, when Zebbie stuck his head into the kitchen from the back door. "Captain?"

"Huh? Zebbie, do you mean me?"

"You're the only captain around, Sharpie. What I started to report was: Captain, your car is ready."

"Thank you, First Officer."

He waited for me to put the butter away, then locked the back door behind me, opened the barn's people door. I noted that the big doors were still closed- and remembered my borrowed panties four weeks and many universes away. I squirmed past Deety, got into my old familiar starboard-aft seat with a song in my heart.

Shortly Deety said, "Starboard door seal checked, First Officer."

"Roger. Captain, ready for space."

"Thank you. Has anyone left behind anything normally carried?"

"No, Captain. I replaced worn-out clothes. Added tools I could buy here."

"Zebbie, it sounds as if you expected to lift without warning."

"Habit, Captain. I've kept anything important in my-our-car rather than in that flat. Some I duplicated. Teethbreesh. Iodine. Some clothes." Zebbie added, "Jake keeps basics here, too. 'Be prepared!' Troop ninety-seven, Cleveland."