Robert Asprin - Myth-Chief

"Cheating!" Chumley declared. The Old Folks didn't say anything. I never saw or heard any of them.

"And this is for you, my dear," Elliora said, when the festivities were finished. She handed Hermalaya a little, round, green ceramic pot sealed at the top with parchment. "Tradition begs for tradition, you see. It's how we like to keep our money." She had tears in her eyes. "I had no idea how it was here, dear princess. It's not my intention to impoverish a whole kingdom. I'll inform Matfany that we'll keep the line of credit open only if he lets you come back. You will have to keep up on the payments, you know. We're not in the kingdom-running business, but we ARE in business."

"I understand," Hermalaya said. "I will do better in the future? I know I just have so much to learn. Thank you so much for coming."

"Thank you for inviting me," Elliora said. She winked at me. "Don't show me out. I know the way."

BAMF!

I waited nervously as Hermalaya undid the ribbon on Elliora's pot of gold. The princess poured the coins out into her palm. They overspilled her hand and bounced to the floor. Guido and Chumley bent to gather them up, but they just kept coming.

"How many are in there?" Massha asked, her eyes wide. The pool of gold scattered around the princess's feet.

"I don't know!"

"Oh, isn't she generous!" Hermalaya said. "This is going to help my people so much?"

I shoveled coins into my belt pouch, into Massha's handbag, into anything that would hold them. I was elated.

"We did it," I said. "Elliora's gift really is the tipping point. Between this and the loans she can call in on him, we have enough leverage to force Matfany out of business and get the kingdom back on its feet. We've won. No matter how much Aahz can raise, we can drain it. He'll be in negative equity."

"Hooray!" Massha yodeled, then clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oops! Sorry."

I ran to the door and planted my ear against it. I heard running footsteps. Someone had heard us.

"What's that?" Hermalaya asked. She looked at me in concern. "Auntie Xantippe says that there are guards on the way. We have to get out of here?"

Gold kept pouring out of the little pot.

"How do we make it stop?" Massha asked.

"If I may suggest," Chumley said, "a modicum of common sense dictates that if changing the orientation to horizontal precipitates the flow, then restoring it to vertical should stem it."

"Oh!" Hermalaya said. She tipped the pot upright. The jingling avalanche halted at once. "Is that what you mean. Mister Chumley?"

He smiled at her. "Just so, your highness."

"Whew," I said.

"We still have to get all those coins," Nunzio said, filling his pockets from the heap on the floor. They caused the pockets of his beautiful suit to bulge out of shape. I promised myself I would pay his cleaning bill when we got back. "Bunny won't give you credit for money she can't see."

"You're right," I said.

I let go of my escape spell. Instead, I channeled the energy into a mass of magik like a ball of sticky clay. I sent it rolling all over the room, picking up coins.

"Get ready," I said, holding out my hands like a catcher. The ball rolled toward me, a little sluggishly now that it was heavy with gold. "We're going to get out of here as soon as I have—"

The doors slammed open. A troop of guards in leather mail, headed by a silver-furred fox holding a wand, charged into the room. The wizard glared at us sternly. Magik crackled around him like a cloud.

"I'd advise none of you to make a single move."

I stood up very slowly with my hands over my head.

"Take it easy, fellahs," I said. "We were just leaving, if you don't mind. Uh, you can keep the rest of the gold on the floor here. We don't need all of it. If you would just let us get out of here ... ?"

The captain of the guard, a russet-colored Fox, raised an eyebrow. "Attempting to bribe royal officers? Is that what you are trying to do?"

"Only if it will work," I said, winningly. "I'd rather not cause any trouble. My friends and I just want to get out of here."

"Who are your friends?" the captain asked, suspiciously.

"No one," I said, trying to get a disguise spell going on my companions, but I wasn't fast enough. The wizard countered me with a blast from his wand. "No one at all," I added lamely.

"Why, that's Princess Hermalaya," a brown-furred Swamp Fox declared, gazing at the white-pelted maiden in our midst.

"It is her!" said the wizard.

"Seize them!" the captain bellowed. The guards surged forward and surrounded us.

"What?" Massha asked. "Are you people out of your minds? This is your princess."

"That's right, ma'am," the captain said. "And she is under a writ of exile, as signed by our current ruler, Prime Minister Matfany."

Massha went over to tickle him under the chin with a thick forefinger. "You're not going to listen to that old meanie, are you?"

The captain recoiled. "Ma'am, you are our prisoner, too. Take them away!"

"Look, here, guys," I said. "Let's be reasonable. You are going to take us down and lock us up in the dungeon. And then, what? You all know what's in that writ. You're going to have to take that sweet young lady, whom you have all known since she was a little girl sitting on her father's knee, and you're supposed to put her to death." I flipped a hand toward Hermalaya, who, wrapped up in her oversized white apron, was looking as demure and helpless a damsel in distress as I could ever have wished. "You don't look like the kind of heartless types who can drag their very own princess down the dark steps to the cold, dank, stone cells and listen to her cries for mercy while you prepare for an execution that every one of you knows is completely unjust?"

I had hit my stride now. The guards, even the grizzled veterans, had tears in their eyes. The younger ones broke into open sobs.

The captain turned to the wizard. "I just can't do it."

The wizard looked just as distressed. "Neither can I."

"Gentlemen," Hermalaya said, coming over to lay a gentle hand on each of their wrists. "You must do what you all have to do. I don't want you to get in trouble? I took my chances coming back here, and it just didn't work out. That's the way life is. My daddy would want me to march down there with my head held high and take what I've got coming to me."

"No, princess," the captain said. He pulled a handkerchief out of his sleeve and put his long nose into it. HONK! "We just won't do it. We love you. We're not gonna listen to that old Matfany."

"But you have to," Hermalaya said. "He is the law."

"No, ma'am," the wizard said, with a little smile. "We are the law. He is the administrator. Most of the guard works for Matfany because they like getting paid. This particular squad here is the lawful opposition. Most of the others don't talk to us much because we won't openly renounce you. You are downright lucky that it was us all on duty today. Everybody else is all out there running around after those out-of-towners."

"What out-of-towners?" I asked.

"Strange-looking types." He eyed Chumley up and down. "No offense, sir."

"Okay," Chumley replied, reduced to playing Big Crunch in front of strangers.

"Go on out of here, honey," the captain said with tears in his eyes. "We'll keep it quiet this time, but don't come back again. Look back on the good old days and think about us sometime."

Hermalaya gave him and the wizard a big hug. "Oh, I will! You all are so kind? My daddy would be so proud of you. I know I am."

"There are good new days to come," I promised, "once we get rid of Matfany."

The guards looked at each other. "We're with you, sir," they whispered.