Robert Asprin - Myth-Chief

"Yow!" the owner bellowed. He must have retaliated against whoever was near his mouth, because another cry erupted from the pile of beings on my back. In a moment, it turned into a writhing, scratching, punching mass. I got off a few more punches and bites as I scrabbled on my hands and knees toward daylight. A Swamp Fox, also on all fours, met me face-to-face and bared his teeth. I snarled back. He recoiled slightly, but a dozen others shouldered up beside him. I faced a ring of glowing, yellow eyes. Well, if I couldn't ignore a fight, the best thing I could do was win it. I bunched up my thigh muscles and jumped backward, out of their way. The only real way to win a fight is not to get in it.

The Swamp Foxes were stunned for a moment, then came after me, barking and howling. I dashed around the rock Matfany was still standing on, trying to find my D-hopper or a way down off the mountain. I dodged my pursuers three times. Then they got smart and split up. I found myself with my back to the giant rock, facing dozens of sets of teeth. Above my head, Tananda had been treed by another crowd of Swamp Foxes. Guido wrestled with one of the largest specimens I had ever seen, the two of them straining to toss the other one over.

"Stop this!" Matfany bellowed over all the noise. "Stop all this at once!"

The gang facing me straightened up like chastised schoolboys and looked up at him. The prime minister stood on top of his rock with his fists on his hips. He glared at them over his glasses.

"Ladies and gentlemen—I hope that you all are ladies and gentlemen! How dare you show such disrespect to these people who are our guests and visitors? You were all brought up with much better manners than that! You are Swamp Foxes! Honest, courteous, sensible people. Now, I am sure that you would like to apologize to our guests. Go on! Apologize! Right this very minute!"

The leader of the pack put out a paw.

"I certainly am sorry, sir. I hope you didn't take offense from us?"

"Not at all," I said, clasping the hand and letting it go hastily. "No problem."

All around me, the locals, some of them with torn or burned fur and blackened eyes were offering their heartfelt regrets to the Deveels and other merchants. I had to hand it to Matfany. I had never met anyone else who had such natural authority that he could call a mob to order with one bellow.

"That's better," Matfany said. He bounded lightly down from the boulder. "Thai's more of the civilized people that I have always known you to be. Now, may I wish you a sincere good night. Come along, Mister Aahz."

He started walking down the hill. He was so smooth that it even took ME a moment to realize he was talking to me. I hurried after him. The mob parted to let him go by. I stepped over a sign. Guido shook hands with his wrestling partner and followed. Tananda caught up with me and tilted an incredulous glance over her shoulder at the immobile gang of protesters. I stumped beside Matfany.

"That was incredible," I whispered to him.

"Ten years of teaching high-school history, sir," Matfany confided.

"How long's the lull going to hold?"

"About five more seconds. I suggest we start running, as of now ... three, two, one ..."

"Kill him! He exiled our princess!"

"Kill him!"

"Retreat is in order, gentlemen and madame," Matfany said. He took to his heels. Tananda dashed after him. Guido and I looked at each other and headed off in their wake.

The mob tore after us.

We made it back to town fifteen times faster than we had left it. The soles of my feet were bruised and torn from running over rocks, and I had enough stitches in my side to make a quilt, but we didn't have a choice. The mob was only yards behind us. Matfany turned as we crossed the main square and headed up the road leading to the castle.

"Bar the doors!" I bellowed, as we passed the guards.

They sprang to grab hold of the enormous portals, but they were too late. The throng of angry Swamp Foxes burst in behind us, flinging the gates open until they smacked against the inner walls. Adrenaline gave me a kick in the rear. I kept running, almost into the arms of another gang of protesters who were still marching up and down on the steps of the castle itself.

Guido took point. At the sight of the sign-bearing Foxes ahead, he put his shoulder down and plowed into them like a linebacker. They went flying. Matfany trotted up the stairs in his wake. I followed the white tip of his tail into the blackness of the castle hall.

I had to hand it to the guards on duty. They were on the ball. The doors opened as he reached them, and boomed shut as Tananda nipped through them. The guards threw down the bar, a piece of bronze-bound wood as large as an I-beam.

"Where can we go?" Tanda asked.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The mob started pounding on the doors. The guards looked alarmed, but they mustered in a line facing the portals.

"Those can't hold forever. What's the most defensible room in this place?" I asked Matfany.

"The throne room is the most protected place," Matfany said. "Stands to reason, as that is the seat of government ..."

"Let's go there!" I said. "Which way?" "We can't go into the throne room, Mister Aahz," he said.

"What? Never mind!" I said, as he started to give me another one of his pedantic replies. "Don't be so squeamish about the privileges of royalty. Which way is it?" He pointed. I ran down the hall to the inlaid double doors that towered over my head.

The guards flanking them saluted Matfany as we got closer. I ignored them, and grabbed for the bronze handles. I lugged. I pulled. I twisted. I put one foot on the frame and hauled.

"Unlock them!" I bellowed.

"They're not locked, Mister Aahz," Matfany said. "I tried to tell you. The Old Folks won't let me in. They don't like me."

"What the hell, you're in charge!"

Matfany shook his head. "You just don't cross the Old Folks. They've been against my taking over the government pretty much from day one."

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"We can't stay here," Guido said. "Dose doors will not withstand forever against a thousand people. What's the next safest place you got?"

"The dungeon's safe. So is the treasury."

"Do they have a second way out?" I asked.

"Well, of course not. sir," Matfany said. "That wouldn't make any sense."

"We'd be trapped there?"

"I'd say so."

"Will converting the Old Folks to your government stop those people out there from protesting against you?" I asked.

"Well, possibly ..." Matfany said.

I interrupted him. "Then the only thing we can do to stop all the chaos is to talk to the Old Folks. We have to convince them that we're doing the right thing for the kingdom."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Mister Aahz," Matfany said. "They're a little tetchy."

"So am I!" I roared. "They can't keep blocking you out of the showpiece of your castle. They have got to stop interfering with my—your ability to make money for the country. And I have no interest in being torn apart by an angry mob."

CRASH!

The castle doors slammed inward.

"Down with Matfany!" the crowd bellowed.

"We gotta move," Guido said.

"End of discussion," I said. "Where can we go?"

"Out the back way," Matfany said. "If you're so fixed on speaking to the Old Folks, that's the best suggestion I can make."

The guards formed a line across the hallway, spears pointing toward the advancing mob. Matfany led us around a corner. He pulled open a humble-looking door and ushered us into a narrow, damp-smelling spiral stairwell. Guido jammed the door closed behind us. There were no lights, but Tananda took care of that with a little spell she probably used for burglary (one of her many sidelines). The pale golden glow surrounded us as we wound downward into the servants' quarters.