Kir Bulychev - Alice - The Girl From Earth

“You will not be able to.” He said.

“Go on, finish the pineapple.” I answered. “But how in blazes did you ever get in here?”

“They won’t even let you eat in peace.” The little man said and vanished together with the pineapple.

I rubbed my eyes. The refrigerator was empty. Three pineapples were gone from the shelves. Something then touched my feet and I jumped back in shock.

It turned out that it was just one of the wander bushes wandering about the hold.

“Go to bed!” I shouted at it, although I usually never shout at animals or moving plants.

The bush picked up its branches and turned on its heels.

I looked inside the refrigerator again. A little green man stood inside with his back to me, raising on his tiptoes, trying to drag a large pineapple from the shelf.

“Stop that!” I shouted.

The little man turned to look at me and I realized that this wasn’t at all the same little thief who had been eating the pineapple three seconds ago.

“Oh, don’t get in a bother.” The little man said. “I do have permission.”

And he immediately vanished, carrying away the pineapple.

Previously in my life I had been spared from such wonders. My head even started to whirl. I looked into the refrigerator with what must have been the stupidest of all look’s on my face; as though someone could hide himself in its depths!

At the very same moment something touched me; a third green person was standing on the shelf.

“Don’t get upset.” He said. “My error.” Immediately he reached for a pineapple.

“Hey, what the Devil’s going on here?” I growled. “Where are you from?

“I live here.” The little person said, took the pineapple, and vanished into thin air.

That was more than I could stand. I pressed the button on my com and called Poloskov.

“Gennady,” I asked, “are you sleeping?”

“No.” Our Captain answered. “Working. And what’s happened to your voice?”

“My voice? Nothing.”

“It’s four octaves higher than it normally is. Has anything happened?”

“Tell me, Gennady, is the ship’s airlock sealed?”

“Of course it is. No one can get in.”

“And Zeleny is sleeping?”

“He is. So is Alice. I just checked them. Alice was writing a letter and fell asleep halfway done. What’s going on?”

“Do you know of any cases.. instances… occurrences…of little green men appearing to people?”

“Little?” Poloskov asked industriously. “The type that sit on your shoulder? With tails perhaps? I do seem to recall reading about that somewhere, in a very old book.”

“No” I answered, “somewhat larger, without tails, and with a taste for pineapple. And one’s right here now! Here! The fourth!”

And in fact yet another little robber had appeared in the refrigerator, winked at me, and vanished.

“ I’m coming.” Poloskov said to assure me. “Don’t do anything precipitate. Get a hand on yourself…”

By the time Poloskov began is run from the bridge to the hold less than half of our stock of pineapples remained on the shelves, and right away two green, little persons appeared and were giving each other a hand up to get to the refrigerator’s top shelf.

“Don’t let it frighten you.” Poloskov said. “That has to be a hallucination.”

“What do you mean calling me a hallucination!” One little green man was outraged. “You can touch me.”

“Sometimes.” The second interrupted him.

“Give our regards to Alice.” The first said.

And the pair of them vanished, just in time to make room for another.

“Alice is really sleeping?” I asked Poloskov.

“Definitely.”

“Then however did they learn of her?”

“I can’t begin to guess. This must be some sort of madhouse.

The refrigerator was finally empty. No one else had appeared fora while.

“Then let’s close the door.” Poloskov said. “It will be quieter.

I slammed the door of the refrigerator shut.

“Where could they have learned about Alice?” I repeated. “We only landed here an hour ago and no one has been outside.

Poloskov and I remained awake, trying to think of an explanation for the strange phenomena, but we thought of nothing. Several times we checked the bolts on the airlock doors and walked around the ship. It remained empty, quiet, and peaceful.

In any event I spent the night in Alice’s cabin, an uncomfortable situation because the deck cover was hard and I had to share the space with Alice’s plastic swim fins.

Fortunately, I got up before Alice and when my daughter opened her eyes I was already sitting in the side chair and thumbing through “Guidebook To The Inhabited Planets” as though nothing had happened.

“What are you doing in here?” Alice asked.

“I wanted to check on something in your library what do the locals look like?”

“Then why do you look like you spent the night on the floor?”

I flipped the book shut, took a look at myself in her mirror, and hurried off to my own cabin to fix myself up, where, in the process of washing my face, I almost convinced myself that there were no little green men, that it was all a mirage, a dream, a delusion.

With those thoughts in my mind I went down to the hold to take a look in the refrigerator.

The refrigerator was open, absolutely empty not a trace of a pineapple remained with a pensive Poloskov standing in front of it.

“In general, I suppose the locals have learned how to walk through walls.” He said. “Although it goes against all the laws of nature as I understand them.”

“No, those certainly can’t be the local inhabitants.” I said. “Most likely we managed to pick up members of some sort of parasitic civilization while in space.”

Right then Alice came into the hold.

“Good morning, Captain Poloskov.” She said. “Where did you put the pineapples?”

“They stole them.” Poloskov said. “And we’re considering how to punish the thief.”

“Who?” Alice was surprised.

“Little green devils.” Poloskov answered. “Just let me get my hands on them! You can only imagine what they’ll think of me on Rotweiss! They were expecting those pineapples… There’s one, grab him!”

As he spoke a little green man appeared suddenly in the refrigerator; he took one look at the empty shelves sand said, not even looking at us: “Darn it! Too late!” and promptly vanished.

“That’s him.” Poloskov repeated. “And you can’t even catch him.”

“That’s one of the locals.” Alice said. “I looked in the book which Papa left on his chair”.

“You’re certain?”

“Completely certain.”

“Then all the worse for them. I am sending an immediate protest to their government. Is this any way they treat their guests?” Poloskov’s face had turned red.

“Forgive them, Captain.”

“No, that would be unthinkable. Where is the telephone.”

“Captain Poloskov, just think about it.” Alice pleaded. “These are gentle and fine people. They don’t want to steal the pineapples. It just happened. Accidentally.”

“You’re too good hearted Alice.” Poloskov replied. “Over night, just as soon as we landed, they managed to break into our supplies and steal the pineapples. Who knows what they’ll be after half an hour from now?

“Captain,” Alice said firmly, “have you forgotten what I won from our bet? A wish?”

“I remember.” Poloskov said.

“So, my wish is..that you forgive them their pineapples.”

And at that very moment the walls of our ship reverberated with a terrible noise. So powerful it was that it broke through the baffling. We forgot all about the little green men and rushed en mass to the airlocks. Along the way Poloskov managed to hit one of the EMERGENCY buttons and little red lights began to blink in the corridors.