Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'Who could stand against us? With the aid of the Chronovision we could gain control of everything. We could create an Earthly paradise, a new Eden.'

'You and I?' said Mr Rune. 'You are suggesting that I should trust you?'

'We would swear an oath, a magical oath stating that neither would seek to deceive or destroy the other. Think of it, Hugo – you and I united, benign rulers of the world above. Better surely this than that we go on from age to age as antagonists?' 'Well,' said Mr Rune. 'No!' I shouted. 'No!'

'A noisy boy,' said Count Otto,*but we could find a place for him. Perhaps he might like to be Prime Minister of England?' 'What?' I said.

'He is a good boy,' said Mr Rune. 'He'd make a good Prime Minister.' 'What?' I said again, but with greater emphasis.

'And the other chap,' said Count Otto, 'he is the One, I assume. Perhaps he would like to be Pope?' 'Is there a bar in the Vatican?' asked Tobes.

'Stop it,' I said. 'And you stop it, too, Mister Rune. You cannot side with this, this-' 'Pungent turd?' said Tobes.

'Pungent turd,' I said. 'Remember the vision we had in Chief Whitehawk's tepee. You do not want that to come true, surely?'

'As Lord Tobes said,' said Mr Rune, 'a premonition cannot be a premonition if that which occurs in it does not come to pass. Perhaps it would be for the best if the Count and I forgot our differences and worked together for the good of all.'

'No,' I said. 'Do not do it. You cannot trust him. You must not side with him.'

'Think of it, Hugo,' said the Count, 'think what you could do for Mankind if you were in control of it. You could end all wars, all suffering. And you know how to do it, don't you? You are the All-Knowing One. You wrote The Book of Ultimate Truths.'

'An alliance,' said Mr Rune. 'A magical oath. Complete and utter trust between us?'

'Absolutely,' said the Count. 'We will draw up a contract and sign it with our blood, and together we will set the world above to rights.' Mr Rune nodded thoughtfully.

'No,' I said. 'Do not do it. Do not trust him. It is just a trick.'

'Silence, Rizla,' said Mr Rune. 'I cogitate, don't interrupt.'

'Tell him, Lord Tobes,' I said to Lord Tobes. 'Tell him, Lord Tobes – do something.'

'I'm for peace, me,' said Tobes. 'If these two fellows can make it up and be friends, well, I think that's very nice. And we should all have a drink to celebrate.' 'This is wrong,' I said. 'All wrong.'

'Perhaps it isn't,' said Tobes. 'It was in my vision, after all. Perhaps it was a good vision, not like all the others.' 'No,' I said. 'It is not right.'

'Imagine, Hugo,' the Count continued, 'your Book of Ultimate Truths upon every bedside table of every home in the world. The Third Testament, as it were. The recognition you so justly deserve. With myself at your side, what companionship we would enjoy, what amazing things might we achieve.' 'If trust were to exist between us,' said Mr Rune. 'Which it does,' said Count Otto. 'Does it not?' Mr Rune eyed Count Otto Black. 'The button,' he said. 'The blade,' said Count Otto Black.

Mr Rune drew back his blade and sheathed it in his stick. 'Trust,' said he. 'You schmuck!' cried Black and his finger hit the button.

The floor beneath Mr Rune dropped away and the Perfect Master plunged down. Smoke and flames belched up from below and a terrible scream belched with them.

And Count Otto Black placed his spaniel down and clapped his hands together. 'No!' I shouted. 'No, no, no!'

'Yes, yes, yes,' said Count Otto. 'And now farewell to you.' And his fingers reached once more to the button and my hands started to flap.

'Do something!' I shouted at Tobes. 'And do it now, or he'll do for the both of us.'

But the Count laughed his laugh and his finger plunged down and the floor beneath us fell away. ? But we did not fall. We hovered there. Hovered in thin air.

Smoke and flames roared round us. But the fire did not hurt and the smoke did not make me cough. I looked down in wonder at my floating feet and then across at the Count, who had suddenly ceased his laughing.

And then I saw him, Hugo Rune, rising from the flaming pit below. Up and up he came, like a leather-bound blimp, until he, too, did hovering above the marble desk of Count Otto Black.

And Mr Rune shook his head and said, 'You really are a very wicked man, Count Otto. I feel that there is no hope for you.'

And then Mr Rune drew the blade from his stick and cleaved off Count Otto's head. 'He never did?' said Fangio. 'In a single stroke, like a Samurai?'

We were back in the bar once more and we were drinking hugely.

'Swish,' I said. And I mimed swishing. 'And blood came shooting out of the Count's neck and everything.'

'Urgh!' said Fangio. 'I think that would have made me sick.' 'It made me sick,' I said, 'but it was a good kind of sick.'

'It didn't make me sick,' said Tobes. 'But then I never get sick. A waste of good drink, sick is.'

'So you really have mastered the art of levitation, Mister Rune,' said Fangio. 'Taught to you by your chum the Dalai Lama, I suppose.' Mr Rune made a certain face and then he shook his head. 'No?' I said. 'Then how?' 'You'd better ask Lord Tobes.'

I looked towards the great-many-times-descendant of Lord Jesus Christ. 'Tobes?' I said. 'What is this?'

Tobes shrugged and tried to look humble. 'I could hear what Mister Rune was thinking,' he said, 'and Mister Rune knew that I could. He wasn't going along with Count Otto's nonsense; he was only waiting to make his move. And he was praying that I would offer him my support when he did so. Which I suppose I did.'

'That was a great deal of trust on your part,' I said to Mr Rune. 'What if Tobes had not been able to help?' 'Naturally, I had a back-up plan.' 'Did you?' I asked. 'No,' said Mr Rune. 'I did not.'

'And what about this Chronovision thing?' asked Fangio. 'You said that your quest was all about that, all the cases and conundrums of the Brightonomicon.' 'Rizla smashed it to pieces,' said Mr Rune.

'I did,' I said. 'Count Otto had it under his desk. It was a bit gory, but I gave it the rock 'n' roll ending it deserved and threw it out of the window.'

'Then the world as we know it is saved,' said Fangio. 'The next round is on me.' And we enjoyed the next round. And the next.

Which I am sure was Hugo Rune's, but Hugo Rune did not pay.

At a little after ten-thirty of the Friday-evening clock, Mr Hugo Rune, Lord Tobes and I returned to the world above. We pushed open the manhole cover in the middle of the Pavilion lawns and struggled up through the opening.

We were a little gone with the drink and we each stood there a-swaying. I gulped in the Brighton breeze, clicked my joints and gazed all around and about myself. We were less than twenty yards from the front door of what had once been forty-nine Grand Parade, my home for almost a year, now nothing but a blackened, gutted shell. I shook my head and shrugged.

And, 'Well,' I said, when I could find sufficient breath. 'I can not believe it is all over. It seemed so sudden. And now it is done.'

'Did it lack for excitement?' asked Mr Rune. 'Would you have preferred more explosions? Or perhaps a final roof-top showdown involving a guest appearance from Lazlo Woodbine?'

'It did cross my mind,' I said, 'but the excitement was sufficient.'

'You will find,' said Mr Rune, 'and you may quote me on this, that truth is more of a stranger than fiction.'

'Right,' I said. 'But tell me this: I know I saw Count Otto die, and horrible it was to see, but, is he really dead?'

Hugo Rune grinned down upon me. 'He's dead for now,' he said.

'For now? I took to dusting myself down. I was somewhat besmirched from all the sewer-pipe climbing.

'Time,' said Mr Rune, 'all this has been to do with time, as I have told you before. And for the time being, we can consider the Count to be no more.'