Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'Now, which of the tunnels did Count Otto go down?' I asked. 'That one,' said Tobes. 'No, that one,' said Mr Rune. 'No, I think it was that one,' I said.

'Does it matter,' asked Tobes, 'if the big bomb is going to go off and everything? Does anyone want a sip of this whisky?' 'Where did you get that?' I asked.

'From behind the bar when we came up. I got this bottle of vodka, too.' 'I'll take some vodka, please,' said Mr Rune. 'Which damn tunnel is it?' I shouted.

'That one there,' said Tobes. 'I was only joking with you.' 'Are you sure?' I said. 'I'm sure.' We made for the tunnel, entered and marched along it.

'Do you know,' said Mr Rune to me, 'it's a funny old business, isn't it?'

'I am sure it is,' I said, as I marched. 'What business would this be?'

'Our business here,' said Mr Rune to me. 'Above,' and he pointed upwards with his stick, 'is the rest of the world, folk at home or out at their entertainments, and they know nothing at all of this, of what we are engaged in. To them, the world is a straightforward affair. They know not of our noble deeds.' 'I think that our noble deeds, as you call them, might have recently had some effect upon their lives,' I suggested, 'such as the West Pier burning down, and I do take responsibility for the rioting and mayhem in Hove last month.'

'Such things will soon be forgotten,' said Mr Rune. 'People will go about their daily business. When you publish the book of our deeds, well, then we shall see what we shall see. Will you use your own name on the cover, do you think, or assume a nom de plume?'

I halted my marching and turned upon Mr Rune. 'Sometimes I really do not believe you,' I said. 'Which is to say, you are incredible. For the most part you are completely unmoved by the madness you invoke.'

Mr Rune shrugged and smiled. 'I come from Highland stock,' said he. 'My earliest ancestors were the Rankins of Mainstray. If you do not choose to use your own name, then please use that of my noble ancestor Robert.'

'Quite mad,' said I. 'We have less than ten minutes left, by my reckoning.'

'And just remember,' Mr Rune continued, 'to spell my name correctly and lay great emphasis on my charisma. And if Hollywood does buy the film rights, I would like to be played by Gary Oldman, or Anthony Hopkins, at a push.'

'Can I be played by Sean Connery?' said Tobes. 'Or Ingrid Pitt at a push?'

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. And then I said, 'What is that?' That lay ahead of us. And there was a lot of that.

We crept ourselves forward upon tippy-toes and gazed at the whole lot of that.

Before and beneath us lay a wondrous cavern, carved, it seemed, from the living rock, as such caverns so often are. And it was the lair of Count Otto Black and it looked just the way that it should. There was a great round central plaza there, With a mosaic floor patterned out as a pentagram, Computer banks encircled this affair, And pirates stood, drank rum and dined on Spam. Floodlights flooded all and round and back, And at the very centre of this all Stood the evil one, Count Otto Black, Lean and mean and long and dark and tall. The Chronovision rested on a gothic altarpiece, With lighted candles in a ring around it, And one of the pirates looked like Charlie Peace, And I had really stuffed the verse, confound it!

'Well, it was hardly the time for poetry,' said Mr Rune. 'But you gave it your best, although I do have to say that it was probably the worst piece of verse I have ever heard. I recall saying to Byron once, "If you just gave the opium a miss every once in a while, then-"'

I cut Mr Rune off short. 'It was probably just delaying tactics,' I said. 'I know that the end is really near now. I was just trying to put it off for a bit.'

'With the seconds ticking away on the bomb?' said Tobes, taking a big slug of something alcoholic. 'Quite so,' said I. 'So what do we do now?'

'Well.' Mr Rune stroked at one of his chins. "There are certain traditions that must be observed upon occasions such as these. Certain traditions, or old charters, or somethings.' 'What do you mean?' I asked.

'Well,' said Mr Rune, once more, 'upon such occasions as these, when we look down on the villain beneath, tradition generally dictates that the villain's henchmen, who have crept up upon us unseen, stick guns into the smalls of our backs and make us put up our hands.'

'Yes,' I said. 'Perhaps. But I feel that upon this particular occasion, we might dispense with that. It is a bit of an old cliche, after all.' I do so agree,' said Hugo Rune. 'Put up your hands!' said Count Otto's henchmen.

Count Otto Black did not look pleased to see us.

He ceased his ludicrous dance along with his manic laughter and stared at Mr Rune with a look that spoke of horror.

'No!' cried the Count, raising high his hands and composing fists from them. 'Oh no, no, no, this cannot be.'

'Wrong, as ever,' said Hugo Rune. 'Having a little party, are we?' And he glanced, and so did I and so did Tobes as well, towards the tables laden with cakes and sandwiches and lots and lots of booze. 'Hm,' went Tobes, gazing longingly at the latter.

'No!' shouted Count Otto. 'No, I mean, yes, I mean, what are you doing alive?'

'Just visiting,' said Hugo Rune. 'I am here in the cause of justice. Ultimate justice, that is.'

Count Otto Black made a very fierce face. 'Kill them all,' he told his pirate crew.

The pirate crew made menacing motions, but none pulled a trigger, nor got stuck in with a cutlass.

'They don't seem too keen,' said Mr Rune. 'Perhaps you would care to engage me in armed combat – one to one, as it were. Naturally, I will offer you the choice of weapons.'

'Give me your gun,' Count Otto told the nearest gun-totin' pirate. 'I will execute these dogs myself.'

'That ain't fair,' said the gun-totin' one. 'Admiral Hugo is a decent enough cove. A proper gentleman, he is. You should fight him like a man.' 'Bravo there,' said Mr Rune. 'And your name is?'

'Dave,' said the pirate. 'You remember me, I used to be a pop star but I fell upon hard times and was reduced to running a hot-dog van on the seafront.' 'Ah, yes,' said Mr Rune.

'Ahem,' said I and I made motions to where my wrist-watch would have been had I been wearing one, which I was not. So to speak.

'Ah, yes,' said Mr Rune. 'Quite so. I would urge, with some degree of urgency, that all present, with the exception of the Count, take at once to their heels and flee.'

'What is this?' cried Count Otto, struggling to wrest the pistol from the gun-totin' pirate, but without success.

'Mister Rune has placed a bomb on board your ark,' I explained. 'It will be going off with a very big bang indeed in a very short time from now.'

'My ark?' The Count ceased his fruitless wresting and gaped in further horror at Mr Rune. 'A bomb aboard my ark?' Mr Rune nodded. 'A big bomb,' he said. 'But my animals. My spaniels.'

'We set them all free,' said Tobes. 'We set the squirrels free first. And you know what squirrels are, open locks with no trouble at all. Could I have a sip of that champagne, by the way? It's a Mulholland eighteen fifty-one, isn't it?' 'Bomb!' went Count Otto, rocking on his heels. 'Bomb!'

'Bomb?' went the pirates, looking towards each other before, as if at a silent command – which argued strongly for the existence of telepathy – taking to their collective boot-heels and fleeing away at speed.

'Well,' said Mr Rune, 'your crew have deserted you, Otto. Choice of weapons, or just fisticuffs?' 'I think we should be running also,' I said. 'Go ahead, then,' said Mr Rune. 'I will join you shortly.' 'But the bomb…'

And then there was a great big bang and a very big cloud of smoke.

I ducked and Tobes ducked, though Tobes ducked with a bottle in his hand.