Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'Go on, then,' shouted Mr Rune, viewing me through his telescope. 'You know you really want to.'

'I was just wondering,' I shouted back, 'what if it explodes when I hit it? Perhaps we should give it a rock 'n' roll send-off and throw it out of the window instead.' Mr Rune stroked his chin.

'I don't want you breaking my windows,' shouted Tobes. 'And anyway, I clearly recall that you were going to hit it with the hammer.' 'Recall?' I shouted.

'In the dream I just had ten minutes ago. The one I was going to tell you about, but you made me stop.'

'Eh?' I shouted, which is not as easy as you might think. 'You just dreamed that I was going to smash the Chronovision with this hammer?'

'Yes, that's what you were going to do. But like I said, I'm sure that not all my dreams can be correct, because this one was frankly absurd.' 'Perhaps you should tell us about it,' said Mr Rune. 'No,' said Tobes. 'You'd only laugh.' 'I'm sure we wouldn't.' 'You would,' said Tobes. 'Go on now,' he yelled at me. 'Take a swing at the Chronovision, get it over with.' I raised my hammer.

'Not yet,' said Mr Rune. 'I beg you, Lord Tobes, speak to us of your dream.'

'Oh, all right.' Tobes sat down in the armchair, but as he had not replaced the cushion after rooting for the hammer, he sort of sunk into it, pranging his bum on a spring. 'Ouch,' he said. 'I should have recalled that, because that happened in the dream also.'

'Will you please tell us?' And Mr Rune wrung his big fat hands.

Tobes rose from the armchair and rubbed at his bum. 'Well,' he said, 'like I was saying… Yes, that's right, I'd just hurt my bottom, and then there was some chitchat – I was speaking, I think. And then you shouted for Rizla to smash the Chronovision. Then the absurd bit happened.'

'And the absurd bit was…?' And Mr Rune leaned forward in his chair.

'A house,' said Tobes, 'like the sort of house that a child would draw – this house appeared, came right up through the floorboards. Damn near demolished this house, I can tell you. Gave me such a start that it woke me up.'

Now, even though Lord Tobes had not shouted, I had heard every word. Which was probably a miracle, but I could not say for sure. ButI looked at Mr Rune. And Mr Rune, in the distance, looked back at me. And then from beneath our feet there came a rumble.

'Smash the Chronovision!' shouted Mr Rune. 'Smash the Chronovision now!'

'Yes, that's what you said,' said Tobes. 'And what is that God-awful rumbling?'

Great vibrations shuddered through the room and rolled across the mighty floor. China ducks fell from the walls, along with a painting of a crying child. Ornaments tumbled from the mantelpiece as the mighty floor began to rise. 'Smash it, Rizla!' roared Mr Rune.

I raised the hammer above my head, but I did not have time to swing it because suddenly I was borne aloft upon the room's carpet and broken floorboards and the roof of the rising bathyscaphe. I glimpsed the distant Mr Rune falling back and taking grip on his stout stick. But I did not see Tobes, though he must have been there somewhere.

Floorboards shivered and shattered. The sounds of destruction pounded my ears and brick dust filled my nostrils and throat. I clung to the now rooftop carpet as it rose up and up. And above me, growing closer by the second, was the living-room ceiling.

I tried to jump from the rising rooftop, but would you not know it, but the sleeve of my tweed jacket was snagged upon a nail. I scrunched up my shoulders and ducked my head and prepared myself for oblivion.

And then with a kind of rocking, grinding, halting kind of motion, there was a rock and a grind and things became motionless.

And I was… well… phew… about a mere three inches from oblivion. But still all snagged like a fish on a hook and somewhat covered in dust.

And then I heard new sounds beneath me – the sounds of a door being opened and sounds of manic laughter, too.

'Ho, ho, ho,' went these sounds of manic laughter. 'Excellent navigation, Mister Mate. It would have been your 'nads on a plate if you'd harmed the Chronovision. Now hurry along, man, fetch it in. A lively evening's viewing awaits us. Get a move on, you oaf!' The voice was that of Count Otto Black.

The mate's name was Phil. And he said, 'Aye aye, Captain.'

There was a fumbling and bumbling beneath me, and sounds as of broken floorboards and of mashed-up fixtures and fittings being shifted. And then the mate gave a cry of, 'I have it, Captain. And unharmed it is.'

Followed by more sounds of manic laughter from the mouth of Count Otto Black.

'Do you want me to fish their bodies from the wreckage, Captain,' asked the mate, 'so that you can defile them in an unspeakable fashion, as the fancy takes you?'

'Tempting though that is, Mister Mate,' crowed the Count, 'I now have what I want. And what my God has in store for Rune's soul far out-grosses anything that I could seek to do with his body.' And then he laughed once more for good measure.

'Blackguard!' I thought. And I tried once more to release myself from the nail that I was snagged on, up on the roof of Count Otto's subterranean ark.

'Take us below, Mister Mate!' called the Count. And the door slammed shut upon them.

'Take us below – oh by Crimbo,' I whispered. 'I will be ground to oblivion.' And I wrestled once more with my snagged-up sleeve and received no joy in return. And suddenly the rocking, grinding and halting motion jerked into reverse and The Bevendean Bathyscaphe submerged.

'Oh by Crimbo, by Crimbo! By Crimbo!' I scrabbled about at the now-sinking rooftop, trying to free myself. And over the apex of the roof, two faces grinned at me. 'Mr Rune!' I went. 'Lord Tobes!'

'We both snagged our sleeves upon rooftop nails of this here ark,' said Tobes, 'and so were saved from being crushed to our deaths. Was that a miracle or what?'

I would have said something in reply, but it suddenly became very dark and I became gready afeared. And I would probably have voiced my fears, probably something to the effect of, 'Get us out of here, Lord Tobes!' had I been able to make myself heard. But the sudden sound of whirling blades cleaving through the earth would have drowned out what I might have said, and so I did not say it. So to speak.

And it certainly moved at a fair old lick, that subterranean ark. And on its rooftop we did not get mashed, but we did have to cling on tight. I do not know how long we travelled for, nor how fast, nor how far, but it was very scary and it did not smell too nice.

But suddenly we came to a halt. And with the suddenness of halting came a suddenness of light. Bright light. Bright light and whiteness, too. I looked up fearfully into the bright-light whiteness and saw that it was all-over tiles. We were inside a great domed structure composed of what seemed to be millions of tiles. Many tunnels ran away from this place and although it looked rather wonderful, it also smelled very bad.

Stretching my snagged arm to its limit, I dragged myself to the apex of the roof and there was joined by Mr Rune and Tobes, who were still similarly snagged. 'Where are we?' I asked Mr Rune. 'The cathedral,' said himself. 'The what?'

'The main chamber of the Brighton sewerage system. I visited it on one of their popular sewer tours during the Brighton Festival.' 'You did not take me,' I said.

'It must have been the day you went to see The Lady-Boys of Bangkok.'

'I never did,' I said. But I had done. 'But why are we here?' I asked, as I fanned at my nose from the pong.

'Don't you ever go to the cinema?' Mr Rune asked, dusting earth from his leather coat. 'Supervillains always have mountain lairs or inhabit the innards of extinct volcanoes. And how fitting this is for a sewer rat like Count Otto Black.' And Mr Rune chuckled. And then I shushed him into silence. From beneath us came sounds of the door being opened, and Count Otto's voice once more.