Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'What do you want?' I begged the dry-boned driver. I was beyond the point of terror now, sort of numb all over. 'There must be something you want, something I can do for you, so that in return you will release me from this car.'

Norris turned his awful empty face in my direction. I want out of this town,' he said. 'Out of this one-way system.' 'That is easy,' I said. Bill and Sam took to laughing and rattling their teeth. 'We tried that,' said Bill to me. 'Don't you think we tried?' 'Well, you cannot have tried very hard.' 'It can't be done,' said Sam. 'Norris is cursed. This car is cursed. It can never be driven out of Lewes.' 'Then let us get out and walk.'

'If we could get out,' said Sam, 'then where would we walk to – the nearest cemetery?'

'You might find some peace there. But come on, Norris, there must be some spark of humanity left in you. I am a young man with my whole life before me. And I am on an important quest, a sacred quest, you could say. Would it really be so hard for you to just let me out?' You made me kill those women.'

'And I am sorry, please do not get me wrong. But they killed my bestest friend.' And the thought of Mr Rune's death brought tears to my eyes.

'You can only be released from this car if you do something in return for me. It is the balance of equipoise, and it must always be maintained.' 'I will guide you out of Lewes,' I said, sniffily. 'Can't be done,' said Sam. 'Don't waste your time trying,' said Bill. 'There must be something I can do,' I said.

'What?' asked Norris, driving along with Desert Island Discs now on the radio. 'The car never needs petrol and we never need food. What could you possibly do for me?' 'I could…' And I thought. 'I could…' And I thought some more. 'I know,' I said, 'I could get you a woman.' 'A woman?' said Norris.

'Well, would you not like a female companion for… you know. You must miss the old you-know.' 'So what you are saying?' said Norris and he turned right.

'You have turned the wrong way down a one-way street,' I said.

'Doesn't matter,' said Norris. 'But what you're saying is that you would entice a woman into this car in order to save yourself. That she should face your terrible fate instead of you.'

'Well, yes,' I said. 'Well, no,' I said. 'That is not a nice idea, is it?' And then, 'Oh, look,' I said. 'That is my hotel up ahead. Please drop me off'

'No,' said Norris. And then he said, 'Oh.' And the car took a lurch and shuddered all about. 'What is going on?' asked Norris. 'Flat tyre,' I said. 'You have a flat tyre.' 'Impossible,' said Norris. 'The tyres never go flat.'

'I bet your MOT is well overdue,' I said. 'I bet all your tyres are bald.' 'The tyres can never go bald.'

'Well, one of them has gone flat,' I said. And Norris stopped the Morris.

And then things grew a little quiet in the car. And a little tense, too, I thought. Not that they were not already tense. At least, they were for me. Beyond tense, in fact. Beyond anything, really. 'Do you have a spare wheel?' I asked Norris. And Norris nodded his death's head. 'Within the boot, would it be?' And Norris nodded again. 'Would you like me to get out and change the wheel?' Norris was silent. 'I will do it,' I said. 'All you have to do is open my door.' Norris remained silent.

'I thought not,' I said. 'Then you will have to do it yourself.' 'I cannot,' said Norris. 'I cannot leave the car.' 'Oh,' I said. 'Really? That is a shame then, is it not? Perhaps the ghost of an A A van will pass this way.' 'It won't,' said Norris.

'Then it will have to be me. And I will do it, to maintain the balance of equipoise. If you let me out, I will do it for you in return.' 'You'd just run away,' said Norris.

'I would not,' I said. 'I promise. See this wet, see this dry, cut my throat if I tell a lie.' 'You'd be cutting your own throat,' said Norris. 'Oh,' I said.

'Because,' said Norris, 'if I release you from the car and you break your side of the bargain, the curse will fall upon you.' 'That I will never be able to get out of Lewes?'

'Your bones will bleach as mine have done, and you will walk and walk for ever. And it's far more miserable to walk than to drive, I assure you. Very hard on the bones of the feet.' And he grinned me that terrible grin once again.

'Let me out of the car,' I said, 'and I will change the wheel.' 'Don't think to break our bargain.' 'I will not,' I said.

And there was a click and my door opened and I stepped out from the car into November sunlight, which although not altogether warm was a considerable improvement on the graveyard chill within that Morris Minor.

'There's a jack in the boot,' called Norris to me, 'a screw-type jack and a nine-inch tommy bar.'

'Norris,' I said, and I raised my finger, 'to use the popular parlance of the day, "sit on this and spin!"'

'What?' went Norris, a look of horror on his face. Which came rather easily to a bonehead.

'This has been the most horrible night of my life,' I said, 'and you can fuck right off.'

Which was as much of a shock to me as it must have been to Norris.

And I turned away from the haunted Morris Minor and marched into the hotel. And once inside, I paused to look back, but the Morris had vanished away. 'And good riddance to you,' I said.

The manager on the front desk made a face at me and I marched into the bar.

There was no one drinking as it was too early, but Fangio was there. He stood behind the counter polishing an imaginary glass and whistling a tune that did not exist. I approached the counter.

'Give me a drink,' I said to Fange, and I sank on to a barstool. 'No nonsense, no toot, any drink you have, as long as it is very alcoholic'

Fange drew me a pint of Farmer's Wife. I did not ask him anything about it.

'You look knackered,' said the barlord. 'Party all night, did you?'

'Anything but,' and I drained much of my beer. 'It was terrible. Horrible. Mr Hugo Rune is dead.' 'Hugo Rune?' said Fange. 'Isn't he an urban myth?'

'Do not even think about it.' I raised Mr Rune's stout stick. 'He is dead – I saw him die, it was awful.'

'I'm truly sorry,' said Fangio, 'and I mean that most sincerely. I really liked the old fart. Does that mean that you will be settling his account at The Pub That Dare Not Speak It's Name, which is what my bar is going to be named tomorrow?'

'No, it does not' I said. 'And show some respect. Mr Rune was a great man – one-of-a-kind, a one-off. I do not think that his like will ever be seen again.'*

Fangio pulled himself a pint. 'I'll miss him,' he said. 'How did it happen?' 'I do not want to talk about it now.' 'No, I suppose not. Oh, one thing – a bunch of *Nor indeed that of Flann O'Brien. strange-looking women were in here earlier asking after you.' 'What did you tell them?' I asked. 'That you weren't here.' 'Thanks for that.' 'I gave them your address at Grand Parade.' I groaned.

'Oh, and the manager of the hotel is really upset. Appar-ently he saw the Pope on TV last night and he's not too happy about Rune having deceived him. But I suppose that doesn't matter now.' 'It does not,' I said. 'Although you'll have to settle the bill.' I groaned again. 'Although,' said Fange, 'I might see my way clear to letting you slip out of the fire exit.' 'That would be brilliant,' I said.

'No problem,' said Fange. 'I told you that I did something really helpful in Chapter Eight.' 'This is now Chapter Nine.' 'You'd better pay the manager, then.' 'I will take you up on your offer.' And I finished my beer. 'I'll put this on the Pope's account,' said Fange.

'Thanks,' I said. 'I will go up to the suite and salvage what I can and then you can let me slip away.' 'See you later, then,' said Fangio.

I went up the stairs with a heavy heart. I felt empty inside. I had no idea how I was going to carry on without Mr Rune and I was worried now about what might have happened to his body. Had those monstrous women done something hideous to it? Should I return to the castly and look? I could not just leave him lying there. Should I call the police? An ambulance? An undertaker? And what was I going to do without him? Where was I going to go? Find the Chronovision, certainly I would try to do that, and destroy it, too. But without Mr Rune, was that even possible? I was sick at heart. And empty.