Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'It is Kelly,' I whispered. Although somewhat harshly. 'It is Kelly Anna Sirjan. Mister Rune, it is her.'

'Suggestive,' said the Lad Himself. Which I found somewhat annoying.

'All hail!' cried the voice of Kelly Anna Sirjan. 'All hail unto him.'

'All hail!' cried the pinch-faced bare-naked ladies. 'All hail unto him.'

'Tonight,' cried Kelly, 'we offer up our sacrifice, the token of our allegiance.' At this, a couple of bare-skudded ladies that I had not previously noticed, because they must have been skulking about beyond the light of the bonfire, stepped forward, holding aloft the Michelin Man effigy of Mr Rune. 'We ask that He who knows all – the past, the present and the future – will accept our sacrifice and grant to us knowledge, show unto us the location of that which we seek. That which will serve His cause. That which will give Him all-encompassing power upon this Earth.'

'Is she talking about what I think she is talking about?' I whispered to Mr Rune.

'If you think she is talking about the location of the Chronovision, then you are correct,' the Logos of the Aeon replied. 'God, she looks great with her clothes off,' I said. 'God does not come into this,' whispered Mr Rune.

'I call upon His councillor to offer up this sacrifice,' cried Kelly. 'All prostrate yourselves before His councillor.' 'His councillor?' I asked. 'Keep watching,' said Mr Rune.

And I did so, and he appeared. Out of a puff of smoke. He was tall and gaunt and all in black, with an evil-looking black eye-patch as well.

'Count Otto Black,' I whispered, for it was he. 'I was not expecting to see him again so soon.'

'I told you,' said Mr Rune. 'We near the end of our quest.' 'Why the eye-patch?' I wondered.

'I think because of the blow you dealt him with that wooden leg.'

'Women of the Guild,' shouted Count Otto Black, 'thou of the Craft, I salute you.' And he saluted them. 'Tonight we will offer up the sacrifice to our Master and He will reward us. We will exact our revenge upon the hated one…' 'That would be you, I suppose,' I said to Mr Rune.

'… and pave the way for the New Beginning,' continued the Count. 'When the Chronovision is under our control. When we can see into the hearts of any that we choose, view their pasts, know their most innermost secrets, acquire all knowledge. Then we will have ultimate control. This world will be ours, in His service.'

'That would be Satan, I suppose,' I said to Mr Rune. 'He is a very bad lad, this Count Otto.'

'By sacrifice of the hated one, he that stands between us and our goal, the Great Old One will, but for a moment, be able to enter this plane of existence and point out the location of that of which we speak. It's all rather complicated, so I won't go into it here, but it does involve the transperambulation of pseudo-cosmic anti-matter and things of that nature generally. It's a ying and yang sort of jobbie. And these are the nineteen sixties.' 'I could not have put it better myself,' I said. 'Please put a sock in it,' said Hugo Rune. 'Bring on the sacrifice!' shouted Count Otto Black.

The bare-naked ladies carrying the effigy of Mr Rune raised it high.

And then a pair of pirates with great big guns appeared as if from nowhere to stand over us and pointed their great big guns down at Mr Rune and me.

'The sacrifice,' said one of them. The one who held his great big gun upon Mr Rune. 'He that is required by His councillor.' I looked at Mr Rune. And Mr Rune looked at me. 'That would be you,' I said.

'So, we meet again,' said Count Otto Black. 'And so soon.'

'I thought that,' I said. And the Count glared at me through his one seeing eye. 'No offence meant,' I continued. 'And you,' spat the Count, 'you who did this to me.' And he pointed to his eye-patch. And I said that I was sorry.

'Sorry?' The Count did some maniacal laughing. He was good at that, the Count. 'You will know what sorry means, I can assure you of that.'

'I already know what it means,' I said. 'Do not trouble yourself with any demonstrations.'

Count Otto Black now grinned heartily at Mr Rune. 'How does this suit you?' he asked. 'I recall how upon our last meeting you told me that the difference between you and me was twofold – that I was evil and you were good, but that you understood how / thought, and not the other way about. What think you now upon this, Mister Rune? You walked straight into my trap, led here by your own vanity. You just had to see yourself burned in effigy. How sad is that?'

Mr Rune leaned upon his stout stick and breathed in rarefied air. I hoped that he might come out with some snappy James Bond-style rejoinder, but sadly, he did not. He just stood and stared at Count Otto Black.

'Lost for words?' crowed the Count. 'The Great Hugo Rune? Logos of the Aeon, the All-Knowing One, the Cosmic Dick. Rune, whose eye is in the triangle, whose nose cuts through the ether, whose ear takes in the music of the spheres. Whose arse takes up three seats on the Clapham omnibus. Nothing to say at all?'

The firelight lit upon Mr Rune's great face, for now we stood close to that fire. I thought to detect a look of gloom. Was this the look of defeat?

'Just one thing,' said Hugo Rune. 'Perhaps you would be so kind as to enlighten me, before you cast me into the flames?' 'My pleasure,' said Count Otto Black. 'Speak on.'

'Through my sacrifice you will learn the location of the Chronovision, am I correct?'

The Count stepped forward, rootled in my pockets and drew out my Ordnance Survey map. I might have put up a struggle over this, but a pirate had a pistol trained upon me. The Count unfolded the map, then held it up to the sky. 'You are aware as to how it works, Rune,' said he. 'You are a magician, as I am. One gives in order to receive something in return. My Master cannot pass through the barrier that separates His dimension from this. But if I offer Him something he desires – your soul, Rune – then for an instant He can make Himself manifest in this dimension, and at that moment He will point out the location of that of which both you and I speak. It is your desire to find it that is the catalyst.'

'And so upon the very moment of my death, this knowledge will be granted to you?'

'The Gods are out there,' said Count Otto Black, 'all of the Gods, just beyond the veil, out there in the ether. They all crave power. Some of them have held power upon Earth, only to be overturned by others. Some have yet to be. My Master has yet to be.'

'Ah,' said Mr Rune. 'So your Master is not His Satanic Majesty?'

'He had His go,' said the Count. 'He has not succeeded. Men are evil, certainly, but few actually worship Satan. He has little actual power upon this planet.' 'Who, then, is your Master – or what?'

'Another,' said the Count, 'one who exists within time, between the seconds. The one who speaks to me here.' And the Count tapped at his temple. 'One of whom you have no knowledge.'

'Plah!' said Mr Rune. 'You are delusional, Black. A basket case, no less.'

'Up with him!' cried Count Otto Black. 'Cast him into the flames.'

And bare-naked ladies took hold of Mr Rune and struggled to bear him aloft. His stout stick was torn from his hand and flung down to the ground. And although it took nearly all the bare-naked ladies to do it, they finally held him on high. I looked over to Kelly, who stood on the grassy knoll.

'Kelly,' I shouted. 'You cannot let this happen. You are not bad. Stop this if you can.'

'And shut up, you.' And Count Otto hit me, hard and to the head. 'You damn near had my eye out, you little worm!' he shouted. 'You will be next into the flames.'

I looked up at Mr Rune and on high the big figure shrugged.

'You are taking this very well,' I said. 'And that blighter really hurt me.' And I rubbed my head.