Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'That is very tasteless,' I said. And I let the evil black car catch up, and then I accelerated, signalled left and took a sharp right turn.

'Lost them,' said Mr Rune. 'For a moment at least. Left again and then first right. You're doing very well.' 'I am falling asleep at the wheel,' I said. 'We'll soon be there.' And very soon we were.

In a horrible houseless cul-de-sac, with high brick walls to either side of us and another one ahead.

'We have come the wrong way,' I said, with some degree of panic, 'and we are boxed in. There is no way out. This is not good. This is definitely not good.'

'Take deep breaths and steady yourself. It is just as I expected.' 'There is nothing here. Just walls.' * It looked just like that one in the movie The Car. And isn't that a great movie? 'We are where we should be.' 'This cannot be right.'

Mr Rune passed the map to me and said, 'Study the map, young Rizla.'

I studied the map and looked back at him. 'We must have come the wrong way,' I said. 'This cul-de-sac is not on the map, as far as I can see. We came up this road,' and I pointed, 'along here, then turned right here, then left again, then first right. But first right is not on the map. We are lost.' 'We are exactly where we should be. This cul-de-sac is not on the map.' 'Why not?'

Mr Rune grinned at me. 'Because this cul-de-sac is within one of the Forbidden Zones,' said he. 'Surely you read of them in my masterwork The Book of Ultimate Truths. I clearly recall giving the tome to you to read and memorise. I impressed upon you the importance of what was written therein. Don't tell me that you never read it.'

'I did flick through it,' I said, 'but the newsagent's down the road from our rooms had all these Lazlo Woodbine thrillers that I had never read and-'

'Ah,' said Mr Rune. 'Well, this explains much, such as when on our previous cases you said that you couldn't have solved them because you lacked for my prior knowledge. I thought that you were simply being modest, or perhaps amusing, as the necessary details are all to be found within The Book of Ultimate Truths.'

'Yes, well perhaps I will read it later. For now I think I had better back us out of this death trap before the black car boxes us in.'

No, no, no,' and Hugo Rune shook his head. 'As you have never read my book,' he said, 'have you ever wondered why I have such a down upon cabbies?'

'It has crossed my mind,' I said. 'I just put it down to your dislike of paying for anything.'

'No, my dear boy. It is much more than that. It has to do with the London A to Z, a map book that purports to display to its buyer all the streets of London. In fact, it does anything but. "A to Z" stands for "Allocated Zones", those zones in which ordinary mortals are allowed to travel. But there are other zones in London hidden from the general public. London is far bigger than it appears to be on any map. In fact, the world is far larger than it appears to be on any map, which can be easily demonstrated if you have a rectangular map of the world and attempt to fold it around a sphere of a similar scale. You will find a lot of leftover map. The Forbidden Zones. London cabbies – in fact, all cabbies – know of these zones because they are members of a secret organisation known as BOLLOCK.' 'Bollock?' I said.

'Meaning the Black Order – London's Legion of Cab Knights. Taxi drivers learn "the Knowledge", but what they really learn is "the Secret Knowledge", handed on from generation to generation. Knowledge of the location of the Forbidden Zones.' 'But what is in these Forbidden Zones?' I asked.

'All that is missing. All that is lost. The ballpoint pens, the yellow-handled screwdrivers, that pair of glasses or whatever it was that you put down for a moment and can never find again. Although this can also have something to do with congregational instinct amongst inanimate objects, which explains why buses always come along three at a time. Or small-screw phenomena, which explains why there are always two small screws left over when you reassemble that broken toaster, which now appears to be mended. But we cannot go into those matters here. They are explained at length in The Book of Ultimate Truths. So, let me continue about all those things that unaccountably go missing. That postal order that should have arrived for your birthday. That job application that you sent off. Put this on a worldwide scale. What about the things that go missing from the corridors of power in Westminster? All these things go into the Forbidden Zones. Which is why, of course, I reinvented the ocarina.' 'What?' I said.

'My ocarina,' said Mr Rune, taking it from his pocket and tootling out a little trill.

'Your ocarina has something to do with the Forbidden Zones?'

'It is our means of entry to the secret labyrinth that lies within them. I have travelled into those regions before. In fact, I was trapped within them for a goodly spell before being released by a chap named Cornelius Murphy. But that is another story.'*

'And this is a cop-out,' I said. 'You cannot just spring all this on me out of the blue at the last minute to explain things. That is not the way it works.'

'Rizla,' said Mr Rune, 'every case that we have been involved in during the course of the last year has led towards this moment. Put them all together in your mind. See the connections. I confess that I did not know that the Chronovision was hidden in one of the Forbidden Zones. Did not know, in fact, until we drove into this cul-de-sac that was not on the map, guided here by the hole burned into the map.' 'So what has your ocarina to do with it?'

'My reinvented ocarina. The notes between notes, Rizla, the cracks between the piano keys, a series of notes that cannot be played upon any normal instrument open the portals into the inner labyrinths of the Forbidden Zones. We are here. The ocarina is here. I will play and you will drive.' 'Absurd,' said I.

'Everything is absurd, Rizla. Everything. Life is absurd; love is absurd; death, too, utterly absurd. Which is why we try not to think about the absurdity of everything. In feet, we don't really think very much about anything. We just go on doing what we're doing. And all things considered, and I have considered them all, it is probably better that way.'

'Well,' I said, 'I am really sorry that I did not do more than flick through your book. Although I do remember * And a good 'n. reading about how hedgehogs inhabit the Aquasphere, where rain comes from, where they float about, held aloft by the natural helium inside them, but sometimes get punctured during over-exuberant rutting and plunge to Earth. Which is why you see them splatted on to country roads.' And then I yawned and fell asleep. 'Wake up!' cried Mr Rune. 'What?' I went. 'What?' 'Rear-view mirror.'

I blinked up at the rear-view mirror. It seemed mostly filled by a black and evil-looking car.

'Wah!' I went. 'Wah!' And had I had sufficient space I would have flapped my hands and taken to the turning in small circles. Well, at least I had room to flap my hands.

'Stop doing that,' ordered Mr Rune. 'Put your foot down hard and drive.' 'But we will crash into the wall ahead.' 'No, we will not. Trust me And I trusted Mr Rune.

I put the cab in gear and put my foot down hard and drove.

And Mr Rune wound down his window, stuck his big head out and played his ocarina. And the evil-looking black car roared after us. And the wall ahead grew nearer and nearer. And suddenly it filled all of the world. And there was a terrible… Nothing. No sound apart from a kind of gulp. As in swallowing. As if we were being swallowed into blackness. And then into light. And I slammed on the brakes and the cab skidded around and we came to rest amongst more than a million ballpoint pens. Which is where I might reasonably have ended this chapter. But as you see, I did not. ? 'Where are we?' I asked. 'What is this place?' And I peered all around and about in a skulking and fearful fashion, for it seemed that we were in some vast chamber, walled with brick, with countless pillars and columns. And there was a roof some great distance above, but it was lost in shadows as there was really not much light.