Cameron Pierce - Abortion Arcade

The Vampires recovered the ball and ran it back for a touchdown, taking the lead and bringing the score to 14-17 before Heavy Metal’s offense took to the field.

Under Danny’s command, Heavy Metal controlled the ball and the clock on three long, pass-heavy drives that each led to scores. In addition to his three passing touchdowns in the second, the defense ran back an interception. With a halftime score of 42-17, the game was looking like a blowout. Even in the heydays of Goyle Flex, games against Old Time were always neck and neck, but today, Heavy Metal was untouchable.

While his teammates jogged to the locker room for halftime, Danny drove over to the bleachers to look for his father, but the old werewolf was nowhere to be seen.

Barbetta waved and blew him a kiss. He smiled and waved back, but returned his searching gaze to the bleachers. He couldn’t think about her until the game was over.

Maybe his father was getting a hotdog at the concession stand, or using the bathroom. There were a lot of reasons why he would not be in the bleachers during halftime.

Forget about him , he thought. He’s just a deadbeat anyway .

When his teammates emerged from the locker room, Danny sped over to meet them in the pig pit, trying to forget about his father and Barbetta. Heavy Metal had been untouchable in the first half, but the game was not over yet. There remained two full quarters of play. Danny had to stay focused. He could still fuck everything up.

Licking salty pig’s feet was just the thing he needed to get back into game mode.

The third quarter dragged on longer than the first two. Heavy Metal played conservatively on offense, scoring only once. The defense continued shutting down Old Time. The Vampires went three and out most possessions.

They racked up four turnovers in the third quarter alone.

Danny felt good to be on the winning side of a beat-down for once in his life.

In the commentary booth:

Beelzebub:Heading into the fourth quarter, the score is 49-17, Heavy Metal in the lead. The last thing anyone expected was for this championship to be a blowout in Heavy Metal’s favor. Led by a backup quarterback who had never played outside of scrimmages before tonight, who would have thought? But Danny is an outstanding field general.

He has played an impeccable game. Can you break down how our quarterbacks are doing, Biff Bifferson?

Biff Bifferson:I think I know what it is now. Several years ago, at the zoo, I tried to push my wife into the crocodile exhibit. She never forgave me for that. The bitch never forgave me.

Beelzebub:Going into the fourth quarter, Danny has completed 21 of 28 passes for a completion percentage of 75.0. He has thrown five touchdowns, zero interceptions, and a whopping 311 yards. By the pro formula, he holds an astronomical quarterback rating of 150.4. He’s playing the game of a lifetime, folks.

Biff Bifferson:It’s not like the crocodiles hurt her.

Beelzebub:( Clearing throat. ) To the contrary, Old Time’s Whiskey Nash, who broke most of Goyle Flex’s league passing records this season, has all but blown his full-ride recruitment offers from some of the biggest football schools in the nation by playing the single worst game of his career, in the championship no less. Whiskey Nash is 15 for 36 with a completion percentage of 41.7, 178 yards, zero touchdowns, five interceptions, and a pro quarterback rating of 17.8. I wouldn’t be surprised if the college scouts watching him tonight end up talking to Danny after the game.

Biff Bifferson:Oh shit, we’s gonna cut you!

On the first play of their first possession of the fourth quarter, Coach Doom called in a quarterback sneak. It was an odd play choice, but would be unexpected to the defense. Danny figured Coach Doom really wanted to rub this blowout in Old Time’s face.

Before the snap, lined up behind Biggie Pie, Danny turned his head and looked at the crowd cheering him on.

He looked up just in time to see a drunken werewolf who looked a lot like his father being toted away by Skeletor and two other skelecops. Danny must have made a noise because Biggie Pie snapped the ball.

Unable to stop the game, Danny tucked the ball under one arm and hoped he wouldn’t fumble. His tires flung grass and mud. His engine growled and he roared ahead, plowing through the pursuing defensive players before running down more players, Vampires and Death Crusaders alike.

He drove all the way down the field and lurched to a halt after passing through the end zone. Fuck yes , he thought, I’ve always dreamed of running for a touchdown .

The referee threw a yellow flag down on the field. Several players, including some of Danny’s teammates, had not gotten up after he scored. Evidently, when he surged through the line and plowed across the field, he’d killed a few people.

The referee ran to the fifty yard line and signaled for the head coach of each team to congregate there. He spoke with Coach Doom and Old Time’s coach for a few minutes. The cheerleaders on each side attempted to ease the nervous crowd with little success. The midfield conference ended with Coach Doom exploding in a fit of fury, dropped to the grass, flailing his arms and kicking his legs.

He yelled profanities so loudly that Danny figured everyone within a mile of the stadium must have heard.

“Premature killing,” the referee said, “against Heavy Metal. Obligatory sacrifice of the offending player.”

About half of the fans, parents, and friends of the Death Crusaders booed. The other half cheered. Danny wondered if his imminent slaughter made them happy, or if it was the prospect of a bloody game that they cheered for.

In the cab of Danny’s truck-body, the chainsaw yowled like a cat that was just stepped on. It seized control of the truck and blasted Holy Diver, singing along with its grinding steel voice.

In the Commentary Booth:

Biff Bifferson:You’re married. Tell me, does your wife’s cunt stink? I think it was the fumes. The fumes wafting from my wife’s cunt made me what I am. Every night it was like sleeping beside a rotten sushi roll. No wonder I drank. Ever hear of a douche? That’s what I’d tell her. Ever hear of a douche?

Beelzebub:By divorcing you, Biff Bifferson, your wife left a very big douche. Indeed, the biggest douche of all.

Biff Bifferson:Hey, where do you get off calling me a douche? Just because my head is floppy doesn’t make me a douche.

Beelzebub:We’ve got bloodshed on the field!

Biff Bifferson:Who gives a shit about those steroid-addled, privileged adolescents anyway?

Beelzebub:On a long run that brings the score to 55-17, Danny the werewolf has gone insane! I bet the refs are calling this one back.

Biff Bifferson:You can go to Hell.

Beelzebub:Danny is rampaging across the field. Now he’s run over both refs and half of the Country Vampires.

He’s even killing his own teammates! Folks, withhold your urge to pray as we bear witness to the biggest massacre in Heavy Metal’s history. Surely God is not around to hear your sniveling last gasp.

Biff Bifferson:Don’t bring God into this.

Beelzebub:I’m trying to keep him out.

Biff Bifferson:( Muttered. ) Fucking evangelist insect.