Cameron Pierce - Abortion Arcade

Biggy Pie tapped Danny’s side mirror as they went up to the ball. “Don’t fuck this up,” Biggy said.

Danny sank down in his driver’s seat and took a deep breath. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up.

Suddenly, he felt nauseated. “Hut,” he said, followed by rapid-fire hiccups. He belched and had to swallow down some vomit. “Hike!”

He dropped back to pass. He knew he was telegraphing to the defense that he intended throwing the ball to Mickey Styx, but they would’ve expected as much anyway.

Danny waited for Styx to break away from the cornerback covering him. He squealed on his tires as two Vampires broke through the offensive line.

Clueless as to what he should do, Danny flung a high and wild pass far down the field. He held his breath as the ball soared toward the end zone. Just as he thought he’d overthrown it, Mickey Styx leaped into the air and made a miraculous one-handed catch, tagging down the toes of both feet before crashing into the goalpost.

The Heavy Metal fans roared.

Danny had thrown his first touchdown! He was going to be a hero!

But first he needed to vomit.

As the kicker nailed the extra point, Danny’s teammates congratulated him on the sideline. They patted his hood and tailgate and said things like “Awesome job!” and “Fuck yeah, were-bro!”

The cheerleaders turned his name into a chant and the crowd joined in. They loved him.

Everybody loved him!

The game had just begun; they were tied at seven, but Danny was already a hero. Even Coach Doom came over to personally congratulate him.

Within the blood-filled cab, Danny nodded his head and smiled as Coach Doom pumped his fists in the air and returned his attention to the game.

He hardly got a moment to recover from all the positive attention because on the very first play, the Country Vampires’ star quarterback, Whiskey Nash, fumbled the ball when the Siamese linebackers sacked him. The twins recovered the fumble.

“Offense, on the field!” Coach Doom shouted. “Fuckin’ kick their little bitch asses!”

Danny and the rest of the offense stormed the field.

In the huddle, all eyes fixed on Danny. It was up to him to call the play this time. “Alright, I want an end-around to Styx on three.” He clapped his hands to break the huddle, but everyone stared blank-eyed at him.

“Bullshit,” said Biggie Pie.

“Yeah man, their defense is too quick. Trick plays won’t work on them. They’ll see that shit from a mile away,” said Mickey Styx.

“Fine.” Danny cleared his throat. “Let Byronius smash it up the hole.”

“Send ‘er deep!” Coach Doom yelled from the sideline. Byronius shook his head. “Coach called for us to go deep. It worked the first time. You better listen to what he says.

Danny opened his mouth to call for a deep pass, but the referee blew a whistle and threw a yellow flag.

The referee ran to the center of the field and announced, “Delay of game on the offense.”

Another ref picked up the ball and moved it back five yards.

“Nice going, dipshit,” Biggie Pie told Danny as the team re-huddled.

Danny ignored him, intent on getting the ball snapped in time. “Alright, I want Styx lined up wide right. On set, you, Byronius, motion left. Both of you run five yard curls.”

Mickey Styx and Byronius looked at him doubtfully.

“They’ll be blitzing heavy because they know I’m in-experienced, and with you two lined up out in the flats, the secondary will fall back, playing it safe to prevent a big play.”

Mickey’s eyes flashed and he nodded. “Leaving the middle wide open.”

“Exactly,” Danny said. “Ready, break!”

The Death Crusaders broke their huddle and jogged to the line of scrimmage.

“Down,” Danny snarled. “Set.”

He revved his engine as Byronius motioned left. The defense adjusted accordingly.

Seconds before Byronius hit the line of scrimmage, Danny shouted, “Hike!”

Danny dropped back deeper in the pocket than he needed to, giving the defense the impression that he was looking long.

The offensive line was losing ground to the blitzing front seven, but Styx and Byronius had cut in harmoniously. They were wide open. Coverage had dropped back exactly how Danny expected.

He drilled Styx in the chest with the ball. Styx could have run for an easy additional ten yards, if the impact of the ball hadn’t knocked him off his feet. Regardless, the pass picked up ten yards.

Back in the huddle, Styx rubbed his chest. “Damn, Danny. You throw short passes harder than Moose.”

Danny flashed a toothsome grin before calling the same route again. “Only this time, it’s a fullback smash up the hole.”

The fullback, Steamboat Larry, was a rock-hard two-hundred-and-fifty pound Irish boy compacted into a five-seven frame. He lived in Old Time’s district, but Heavy Metal had recruited him for his brawn and his brains.

Steamboat Larry could recite the lyrics to every metal song ever written, even the unrecorded ones. The dude was a telepathic genius in the body of a ripped bulldog.

They lined up at the ball. On cue, Byronius went through his motions. The secondary crept up and the linebackers stepped back, anticipating a repeat of the previous play. Beating a defense was as easy as outsmarting them.

Even without his truck body, Danny could have done this all day long.

Steamboat Larry pounded the ball for a six yard gain, earning Heavy Metal a first down.

On the next play, Danny threw a shovel pass to Byronius, who juked and spun for a twelve yard gain. The crowd started up a chant of “Speed… Goblin! Speed…

Goblin!” They pounded their feet on the bleachers, sending up a cacophonous roar of thunder.

Heavy Metal had crossed the fifty yard line.

With another first and ten, Danny hit the tight end on a quick slant. Then they did it again, picking up four to five yards each pass.

On third down with a short yard to go, Coach Doom called in a Hail Mary. He wanted Byronius, Steamboat Larry, the tight end, and both wide receivers all running deep, which would leave only the front five to protect Danny from the defense. He took this as a sign that Coach Doom trusted him now.

The ball was snapped and Danny dropped back. They had double coverage on Mickey Styx and a lone corner on the second receiver. A linebacker picked up the tight end, leaving only one safety to cover Byronius and Steamboat Larry.

Byronius flew down the left side of the field while Steamboat Larry tromped down the right like a stampeding rhinoceros. The safety fell off Styx to cover Byronius with little success. Byronius blew by the safety.

Danny scanned the field. Steamboat Larry was open, but he didn’t have the best hands. He’d have to throw between coverage to hit Styx and the second receiver was more of a decoy than an actual target. But did he have the accuracy to hit Byronius from nearly half a field away? The offensive line crumbled and the defense barreled through.

Spinning on his wheels, Danny launched an off-kilter bullet toward the Speed Goblin’s anticipated trajectory. The pass hit him in perfect stride.

Touchdown!

The gong sounded, signifying the end of the first quarter. Heavy Metal was leading 14-7 and Danny had thrown two touchdown passes. He felt greatness in his blood.

For the first time since the game began, Danny paused and listened to the music that was playing. He couldn’t believe his ears. Holy Diver blared from the loudspeakers.

The Old Time Country Vampires scored a field goal on their first drive of the second quarter, and then surprised the Heavy Metal Death Crusaders with an onside kick.