Cameron Pierce - Abortion Arcade

“Lookin’ good, wolf boy,” Krallick called from the office.

“Nice accident.”

Since he had no other preparations to make, Danny saw no reason to return to his locker. Instead, he revved his engine and started for the pig pit, where the team gathered before each game to ask the metal gods for a brutal victory. A few of his teammates already knelt in the pit.

They suckled on the pig’s feet protruding from the walls.

Above them, Goyle Flex’s skeleton hung upside-down on a cross made of Country Vampire tongues. Danny suddenly felt giddy. Tonight, he realized, he had a chance to fulfill his childhood dream of being a star player. If he somehow found a way to honor the legend of Goyle Flex in tonight’s game, his own reputation might be set for life.

Danny’s hood opened up and a huge furry tongue unraveled from the engine. It licked at the pig’s feet and they tasted good to Danny.

The Old Time Country Vampires won the coin toss and chose to receive the ball first. The special teams units took the field as Back in Black blared from the massive speakers lining the home side of the stadium. Cheerleaders on each side kicked up their legs and flashed the crowd, all part of their usual kickoff routines.

Despite the cheers he received from the girls out in the parking lot, none of Danny’s teammates had spoken to him. He figured they must be suspicious of his accident, maybe even jealous. Whatever the case, he hoped to prove them wrong soon enough.

Danny drowned out all the surrounding noise by adjusting the volume knob on his radio. He listened to Holy Diver on repeat. It soothed the machine heart that beat nervously beneath his hood.

Kickoff!

The ball sailed across the field. The kick returner waved for a fair catch and caught the ball just shy of the twenty yard line. A referee blew a whistle, beckoning Old Time’s offense and Heavy Metal’s defense onto the field as the special teams units rushed off.

Both teams huddled about ten yards away on opposite sides from where the referee placed the football. Danny stood on the sideline, trying to forget how much the next few hours would change his life.

In the commentary booth:

Biff Bifferson:Here we are at Goyle Stadium for the thirty-first consecutive conference championship between the Heavy Metal High Death Crusaders and the Old Time Country Vampires. It’s been a tragic day for the Death Crusaders. Just this morning, they lost star quarterback Moose Elwood in a fatal accident. Moose’s legend will live on, but all of us will miss him. Replacing Moose at quarterback is Danny the werewolf. Although Danny has only played in scrimmage games, it appears that he showed up prepared to throw down the horns tonight, fresh from a mighty fine accident. And speaking of tragic days, my wife of five years walked out on me this morning. She insists that I drink too much. I say what does she know. I’m a sportswriter with a bad back. My wife, she—

Beelzebub:Biff Bifferson, can we focus on the game?

Biff Bifferson:Oh, right. It’s just my wife. I can’t stop thinking about her, so of course I slipped a few nips of the grain before coming in, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean, don’t you?

Beelzebub:Old Time won the coin toss and called for a fair catch at their own eighteen yard line. The Country Vampires’ offense and Death Crusaders’ defense have taken to the field.

Biff Bifferson:By the way, did you catch Maiden’s tour dates? I swear, Bruce puts the DICK in Dickinson.

Beelzebub:The Vampires are set at the line of scrimmage.

It’s a quick snap. The handoff goes to running back Turbo Ginn. Ginn takes it for a short gain.

Biff Bifferson:Like that pro-STD metal band, Hell’s Crabs. Somebody should tell those cocksuckers that syphilis is never metal.

Beelzebub:Shutup, Biff Bifferson. Starting quarterback for Old Time is Whiskey Nash, who broke Goyle Flex’s state record for passing touchdowns this season. I’ll tell you, I’ve been watching Nash all season and this kid is the real deal. Other starters for the Vampires include running back Turbo, the twelve foot tall bruiser, and wide receiver Marcus Aurelius. Nobody else on the offense scores enough on or off the field for anyone listening in Radioland to care.

Biff Bifferson:What about that Heavy Metal defense, Bub? Tell ‘em about those whippersnappers.

Beelzebub:Leading the defense are the Siamese twin linebackers, Bert and Bartholomew Spielman. Let’s get back to the action on the field.

Biff Bifferson:If I hadn’t been wrong about these things before, I’d swear that duo’s going pro.

Beelzebub:What a pass! Whiskey Nash connects with Marcus Aurelius for a twenty yard gain.

Biff Bifferson:Fuck professionalism.

Beelzebub:Biff Bifferson, you can’t say that on the air.

First and ten on the thirty-eight yard line.

Biff Bifferson:There goes Turbo Ginn! Fuck some chickens, boy!

Beelzebub:The Spielman twins make the tackle. Old Time has first and ten on the fifty yard line.

Biff Bifferson:I swear, this year’s Country Vampires are going to give the Death Crusaders a serious run for their drug money.

Beelzebub:We can’t talk about drugs on the air either.

Biff Bifferson:Beer money, then.

Beelzebub:They’re minors. They can’t drink beer.

Biff Bifferson:Go fuck yourself, you old fly.

Beelzebub:The game, Biff Bifferson. Focus on the game.

Biff Bifferson:This one is bound to be a classic. Classically bad, maybe. We’ve yet to see what kind of chops this Danny Werewolf character is packing. Except on his face!

Beelzebub:Please, Biff Bifferson. Refrain from making fun of the werewolf’s sideburns.

Danny watched from the sideline as Turbo Ginn concluded the Country Vampires’ first drive with a long break-away touchdown run.

An orange number six lit up on the scoreboard for the visiting team. After they kicked the extra point, it changed to a seven.

The Death Crusaders didn’t gain much on the kickoff return, giving the offense a start around their own fifteen yard line.

The crowd went wild as Danny took the field for the first time in his high school career. He wondered what they thought of him. Most had probably placed bets that he’d fuck everything up. At the same time, he looked badass in the blood-filled truck.

He huddled with his teammates and called for a handoff up the middle to Byronius “Speed Goblin” Alexander.

Along with Moose Elwood, Byronius had been a major factor in Heavy Metal’s current undefeated season. He’d rushed for more yards and touchdowns than anyone in a decade.

Danny lined up behind the center, Biggy Pie, and prepared to take the snap. “Hut, hut, hike!”

The ball slapped against his hands, which had to stretch all the way around to the front grill. He pivoted and made the handoff to Byronius, who got stuffed at the line of scrimmage.

The next play was an outside pitch to Byronius. Again, the running back went nowhere.

On third down with ten yards to go, Coach Doom signaled in a curl pass. Danny gulped. This would be his first passing attempt ever.

Although Danny had several players he could throw to on this play, he already anticipated getting the ball to wide receiver Mickey Styx. Nobody could pull in a pass, no matter how wild or sloppy, like Styx.