Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

‘Look, I’ll eat, but first I just want you to be here with me. So stay already.’

And I lean down close. Kiss her on the forehead. Smile and look into her eyes.

I missed her even after she came back.

I still miss her in some ways.

But the excitement of what we have now, I’m not sure I can describe it in any way that makes sense.

And so I stay in bed next to her. My hand goes to hers and squeezes gently. She smiles and I smile.

We watch the world outside our window.

Birds fly.

The sky is motionless.

A wind causes the tree’s to sway.

And now I’m wondering, after all these years; was it worth it?

‘Where the hell have you been?’

We’re still embracing each other in the lobby of my old workplace. Our bodies press tightly and the pain of loneliness starts to edge away from my skin.

‘I’ve been where I’ve needed to be.’

We pull our heads back. Look each other in the eyes.

She looks different. Weathered. Haunted.

‘Why did you leave me?’

She pulls away. Looks toward the ground.

I feel the weight of the situation as it settles into my stomach.

And there’s a moment of confusion that hovers around us. Because things have changed. Because we’re not who we were before. Because we’re not the people who fell in love so many centuries ago. And I want to tell her that it’s ok. That we’ve changed but change doesn’t mean we can’t still be together. It doesn’t mean we can’t make things work. But, I’m scared and she is too. I can see it in the way she knots her fingers and tilts her head.

And then my head throbs. My eyes ache and there’s a ringing in my ears.

I look up and my memory of Evaline is standing next to the real Evaline. They’re wearing the same clothes now, but they’re not the same people.

I look at the younger version of her. The Evaline that I know. The Evaline that I missed. The Evaline that I remember. I look at her and I feel comfort. I feel closeness. I feel the warmth that my satisfied longings have brought to me.

She opens her mouth.

‘This isn’t what you wanted and it isn’t what you expected. You always think that things are going to be just the way you remember them, but you know what? They’re not going to be that way. I’ve changed. And the way that I see it is: You can go off with her and try to figure out how you’re going to make things work with someone who’s just going to die, or you can go and be happy with me. I’m a memory, but I can make you happy. I know how to make you happy.’

She smiles and I feel a flush of warmth come over me.

And Evaline, the real one, she looks at me.

‘Are you ok?’

I shake my head.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Look, I know things are different. I know I ran off. I know I look old and strange by your standards. I know these things, but I also know that in our time apart I’ve realized a lot of things. And, I know that I miss you. I know that I want you in my life, for however long that is. I just, I don’t know, we need to be all the things that we never were.’

And she pauses.

‘Because I don’t want to feel trapped like I did before.’

I let the words rest in my head.

And Evaline, the fake one, she says:

‘You can be happy forever with me. She can’t do that for you anymore. You know that. She’s growing older and she’s going to die. I’m a memory, you can have me forever.’

I start to feel sick.

I look to Evaline, the real one.

‘I just want things to be like they were.’

And she looks at me with a face that betrays hurt and confusion.

‘Like they were? Don’t you remember? Our relationship was horrible. We fought. We didn’t pay attention to each other. We didn’t make love. It was horrible.’

And my memory of Evaline, she flickers in and out.

It makes my head hurt as I watch her. I feel my lungs struggling as the air gets sucked from my chest. I feel my heart racing as my brain struggles to stay in the moment.

I don’t know what to say.

And Evaline’s memory she tells me that I only have to remember the good things.

And Evaline, she tells me we can build something better than we had before. She tells me that her eyes have been opened. She tells me that there’s so much for me to learn and experience

My head is throbbing even worse now.

‘But where were you? Why did you go?’

‘Because our relationship was shit. Because I needed to breathe. Because I was bored with our life and everything that it involved.’

Her aged eyes look at me with a conviction that causes my skin to pinch up on itself.

And my memory of Evaline, she keeps fading away.

It’s a pause and a breath.

It’s a nervous twisting of my nervous fingers.

Her eyes are red with sadness and happiness.

She’s crying.

And then I hear more footsteps behind me.

I turn around.

It’s Dylan.

We’re eating.

There’s brightness and clarity to everything. It almost feels as if I’m going to drown in the reality of the situation.

I watch as she struggles with the food.

Her jaw is tired.

Her hands are tired.

Everything about her is tired and slow. It’s painful for me to watch her as she fades away.

Yet, I know that she’s ok with it. This is what she wanted.

Because we all have choices.

Every moment is a choice.

And this; it’s her choice.

And now; we make due.

She looks at me over her food, gray hair falling across her forehead.

‘You know, I think we should go for a walk.’

‘You know that you can’t walk too far. Your knee’s are too weak.’

‘I know, I just thought it would be nice.’

And we both go back to eating.

We’re silent.

I don’t think.

I don’t think, but I do manage to react.

And so I’m on top of Dylan before he can process what’s going on.

He didn’t expect to see me today, this much is obvious.

I push him to the ground and pin him with all my weight.

I bar my forearm against his throat.

He struggles but I don’t let up.

Everything inside of me is white hot.

Everything inside of me is on fire.

And through the blood in my ears, I can hear Evaline screaming.

I can hear her screaming, but I can’t seem to care about it.

I push harder.

His face goes red.

My cheeks are burning up and I can feel my muscles struggling against my skin.

He’s kicking his feet up.

He’s trying to knock me off of him.

‘You motherfucker.’

The words come out of my mouth without much thought.

The words come out of my mouth with silent rage.

And I’m not sure why I’m doing this.

But I do feel that it’s what I should be doing.

My body starts to shake from the adrenaline.

And then I feel Evaline’s hands on my shoulder. Trying to pull me off. Trying to snap me out of this insanity.

‘Ellis!’

And she’s screaming.

And all I can think is that this man has spent far too much time with my wife. All I can think of is the fact that this man stole Evaline from me.

Dylan, he tries to speak.

Sound ambles out of his mouth in a choked stuttering.

He can’t say anything.

And finally, Evaline, she pulls me off.

I tumble backward.

My head crashes on the ground and I find myself staring at the lights above me.

I’m exhausted and I take the moment to try and work out what to do next.

My chest rises and falls with a heavy depth.

And my lungs, they struggle.

And my heart, it races.

I don’t move.

My eyes start to burn.

The adrenaline exits my body but leaves me shaking on the floor.