Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

I look at my parents and realize how accustomed to each other they have become. They may even be in love, but I can’t tell. I know that I couldn’t tell when I was in love.

‘How are you doing?’

And this is my Dad asking me the questions. I feel as if I haven’t spoken with him in years. His voice is soft and gentle and it makes me think of times where we would hang out.

The moments are faded and fractured in my head, but there was a time where we were close. There was a time where he and I would talk about life. We used to go and do things together. He’d complain about my mom and I’d complain about Evaline. But much like the continents; we drifted.

And we care about each other, but it’s a different sort of caring.

A different sort of affection.

Because time will take everything in the end. It’s something I’ve slowly begun to realize.

And though I am his son and he is my father, we have forgotten the roles that we once had.

‘I’m ok. Feeling a little weird I guess.’

My parents both look at me.

My mom speaks up: ‘What’s going on?’

I’m not sure how to answer. Nor do I really want to.

‘I’m just having an off night is all.’

I let the brevity of my statement provide the majority of my communication. She looks at me. Soft eyes and tight skin. She’s concerned but doesn’t know what to say.

I change the subject.

‘When’s dinner?’

‘We already ate.’

The lingering smells aren’t lingering quite as much.

I pause.

I’m not sure what to say or do or think.

My mom looks at me: ‘Do you remember when you were young? When you and your friend Jim would go on all those adventures? You would always go camping for days at a time. You seemed so happy with him. He brought something out of you that I haven’t seen in a long time. Whatever happened to him?’

Then Evaline, the imaginary one, walks in to the room. She’s smiling and wearing a new outfit and she looks beautiful. I look at her. I look at her wedding ring. My heart skips a beat and my head starts to ache.

And then my mom turns her head and smiles towards something that’s just over my shoulder.

‘So you must be Evaline?’

And then we are around a campfire.

Smoke fills the air.

There are few things that cause me to feel shaken.

This is obviously one of them.

It’s been a minute and I’m not feeling any better.

Evaline smiles at my mom. She opens her mouth.

‘I’m doing pretty well. It was a long day at work. Sometimes I wonder if everyone but me is incompetent at their job! Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so late in getting here. But don’t worry, I remembered the marshmallows!’ And she holds up a bag.

And my mom, she smiles and laughs a polite sort of laugh. My father, he smiles and then looks to me.

‘What is going on here?’

Everyone looks at me for a moment and then turns away.

I pause.

I breathe deep.

I twist my nervous fingers around and around and around.

Then I realize that this is all a memory. This isn’t too long after my parents and Evaline met.

And I’m not sure how this happened. I’m not sure how the past has snuck up on me in this fashion. Because the walls should have melted away. Because I should have noticed some sort of change.

Instead it all happened in a blink of time.

One moment I’m at my parent’s, the next moment I’m at a campsite that’s roughly one hundred feet away from a parking lot.

And for all the tree’s and foliage, I can still smell the exhaust from the world around me.

A few more deep breathes and then I smile wide and get with the moment.

‘I’m sure everyone knows how to do their jobs! It’s just that you’re far better at it is all.’

I feel awkward. Out of place. Unsure and insecure about what should be easy for me. My words are stuttering and stopping and failing me all at once.

My mom: ‘How is living together?’

Evaline: ‘It’s going really well… well, as long as I can keep Ellis in line. He has a tendency to be a slob. But I think it’s just because he’s such a forgetful person. But hey, he’ll figure things out eventually. I mean, you don’t run a race if you know that it doesn’t matter when you finish.’

Everyone laughs.

‘I think he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached to his body!’

And my mom laughs.

‘Sometimes I wonder if he’s lost his mind as it is!’

I laugh.

‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to bring his lunch to him at work. It’s like I’m there almost as much as he is! Sometimes I feel like I should just wait at his work with all his daily supplies. It might be easier for our relationship!’

There’s a lull and I feel my mind spinning around.

‘Like yesterday, he had forgotten a whole bunch of important documents for a presentation he had to give! I had to take them all to him in the middle of his conference.’

And then I remember back to that day. A room full of executives and me in a suit that cut off all my circulation. I felt like a complete jackass in that familiar conference room.

And I pause.

I breathe in.

I twist my nervous fingers in my nervous hands as my nervous body starts to connect the dots.

My adrenaline is flooding me. My heart is in my throat.

‘Holy shit! I know where you are!’

She’s at my old job. In my old office building. I should have realized it before. Where else would you find an abandoned building in this city? There aren’t any.

I feel dizzy.

It’s a slow and sickly walk. Bile creeps up my throat and nerves make my feet feel like dead weight.

I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I expect something.

I woke up from yesterday with a head that felt cracked wide open. Complete with spinning eyes and aching skin. I could hardly see straight because everything about my existence was throbbing.

And now as I walk to where I used to work, I start to wonder what it would mean if I did find her. Would things be the same as they always were? Would we fight about the same things we always fought about? Would we laugh at the same stupid inside jokes? Would we eat dinner together every Friday night? Would we still dance every Thursday?

I’ve never faced anything like this. For a moment I feel myself alternating between a feeling of exhilaration and absolute terror.

Will she understand how I feel about her? Will I understand how I feel about her?

Am I going into this with the expectation that things will be as they once were?

My hands are shaking.

The air is cool but not cold.

My skin looks pale and pinched like it’s trying to escape my body.

And I try to make myself feel centered.

I can’t.

I can’t and so my thoughts spin until my guts get dizzy.

What should I expect when I get there?

Am I going to be tied up and beaten like before?

Is she going to greet me or is Dylan going to attack me?

I don’t know what to expect. I don’t even care. I barrel forward with the hope that something will be resolved.

And maybe that’s just what I shouldn’t be doing

Because what are the odds that she’ll really be there?

I’ve been down this road before. Full of hope and excitement. Driven by the strange delusion that if I keep pushing forward, then everything might just go back to the way it was.

And I want my future to look like my past, yet I don’t know what my past is.

And I think back to conversations I had with Evaline.

The silly conversations where we made plans that we knew would be broken.

And I walk up to my former office and stop at the front door.