Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

It’s run down and boarded up. For a second I think that I’m crazy to even imagine her staying at a place like this.

But it’s only for a second. A second and then I swallow my doubts and try the front door.

It’s not locked.

I go in.

My head starts to ache.

There’s a rush of smells and sights that flood me.

They flood me until I’m weak in the knee’s.

Until I drop to the ground.

And then I’m at my old desk.

Neon lights and ringing phones.

I’m wearing an old suit and staring at a computer screen while my boss hammers on my dignity.

‘Did you really think it was ok to put this in my box without proofreading it?’

He throws a stack of papers down in front of me.

His face is red and his neck muscles are tight. He’s staring at me with a white hot glare.

It makes my skin ache.

‘Maybe you could do things right if your fucking wife wasn’t always visiting you at work.’

And this is how it was.

Another part of my endless life of eating shit.

I resent my boss.

I resent my job.

And if I remember correctly, this is the exact moment where I forgot how to love Evaline.

Is that even possible? To remember the exact moment that you forgot something?

‘Your god damned wife is going to be the end of you and your fucking job. She’s going to destroy everything good in your life if you let her.’

And I sit. Taking it.

At the time, I believed him.

It was ages ago.

I was young.

Stupid.

And I listened because I wanted to be on top of everything.

And my boss, he hovers over me while I stare at my computer screen.

I’m waiting to hear the words that come out of my mouth. The shit eating words that show how I have no spine.

Because, if I remember correctly, this is the point where I apologize for being the royal fuck-up that I am. This is where I throw away my pride. This is where I abandon my wife.

And I wait.

My fingers tap.

My jaw clenches.

I feel a rage that makes my insides shake.

And nothing happens.

I don’t apologize.

He doesn’t move.

Seconds tick by and I realize that something is wrong.

This isn’t how I remember things happening.

And my boss, he opens his mouth: ‘Well?’

And I clench my fist and push my chair back.

I’m on my feet and nose to nose with him.

I feel a thousand years of regret boiling inside of me.

‘You’re a real asshole.’

He looks confused.

‘I love my wife.’

And my fist goes back.

I feel the adrenaline.

And there’s a popping sound as his nose breaks.

Then I’m alone.

In my old office.

There’s dust hanging in the air.

Something feels wrong.

As I sit at my old desk in my old office, I feel a brush against my neck.

It’s Evaline.

The one from my head.

She kisses me on the cheek.

I tell her to go home.

I don’t want her memory to be around me. Not now.

She asks if I’m ok.

I tell her no.

She asks if I need anything.

I tell her that things will be fine.

She asks me why I’m acting so strangely.

I can’t give her an answer.

She leaves.

I’m in the building and I can feel the dust as it settles in my lungs. It makes my chest ache and my eyes sting.

I look around and everything is run down.

Light fixtures hang from the ceiling.

The walls are cracked.

Dust covers every surface.

The windows are boarded up but sunlight still peaks through.

And I look around, making a note that this is exactly where my old workstation was.

I cover my mouth with my sleeve and try my hardest to hold my lungs inside my body. Then I realize that my sleeve is getting damp.

I pull my hand away.

I feel my heart in my throat.

My ears are ringing.

Blood has soaked through.

I need more light, and so I go to one of the windows. I pull at the wood that someone has loosely nailed to the cracked walls. It breaks off easily and light floods into the room.

I’m squinting for a second before I finally open my eyes.

It causes my head to ache.

I catch my reflection in the window.

I look like hell.

I look around the room.

It looks like hell.

The building is tattered and broken. Rodent shit covers the floor.

I walk around and hope for a clue. I’m hoping for something to hold onto. Something to keep me going.

I start to wander.

My footsteps kick up dust until my lungs start to ache.

I stumble forward and lean against a metal door that’s spotted with rust. I pause and try to remember where it goes. I can’t remember, but still I turn the knob.

It’s the old cafeteria.

I walk in with the expectation that my brain will send me to another day and time. Instead I find myself standing around and admiring the room.

It’s full of cots.

They’re abandoned.

Covered in dust and chewed at by the rodents that now call this place a home.

Everything is aging and falling apart.

I back out of the room.

This place is abandoned and I’m not going to find anything.

Still I search.

I go upstairs.

All the sunlight is fading. The building, the place where I made so many memories, it’s full of shadows.

I run my fingers on the wall and make a trail. I pull them away and they’re caked in dust.

I sneeze and my eyes burn worse than they did before.

I’m on the third floor with only half a notion as to where I’m headed.

These halls, they used to be busy; now they’re dead.

My head feels light and I imagine that it’s from a loss of blood.

My knees feel weak and I imagine that it’s because I’m scared of the future.

And I go through a door to what used to be a conference room.

It’s just like I remember it.

And this is where Dylan had me tied up.

But it’s different now. Worn and battered by time.

I step inside and a soft light trickles from a skylight that I hadn’t noticed until now.

And I wonder what I should do next.

And it’s a nervous twisting of nervous fingers.

And then my skull aches as I fall to the floor.

They say that you’re only as good as what you can take. So why am I taking this again?

And I yell: ‘Fuck off you asshole.’

And then I feel a tooth go loose as the back of my skull starts to do a shimmy and a shake.

I start thrashing around, wildly.

My body aches and I can feel blood dripping from my smashed-in face. I yell again. Louder. No one listens. Louder. No one responds.

Another fist and my brains are starting to feel like syrup in my skull. And it’s a pause and a breathe and a nervous twisting of nervous fingers as I feel my skull bounce against a wall.

Dylan asks if I’m ready to listen. If I’m ready to change. If I’m ready to acknowledge that everything ends.

When I come to I’m in a heap on the hallway floor. I feel dizzy and shaky. I feel as if things have gone horribly wrong.

And then I realize that they have.

So I push myself up off the floor.

My arms feel weak just like my head.

I lurch forward. Throw up. Gag on the acidic taste of bile that sticks to my tongue. It’s at this point that I realize I’m starving.

It takes some time but I finally make my way off the ground and out the door.

I stumble: winded and sucking the air like a fish out of water.

I lean against the wall with sweat that causes my clothes to hug me tighter than Evaline has in a thousand years.

I’m bleeding and a mess.

I’ve never felt like this in all my existence.