Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

My feet feel antsy and I start to wind up.

I need to leave.

And the man’s face, it pulls back. Further. Tighter. Higher. And then he’s Franklin.

And I’m not sure what to do.

‘Franklin?’

My eyes are wide.

My skin fills strange.

I keep searching for air. For oxygen. For something to keep me going.

I know this isn’t Franklin.

My eyes squeeze shut and then pull back open.

And it’s the stranger and his wife. But the apartment, it’s changed. It’s decorated.

The apartment is now the one that I lived in.

The decoration is all there.

And my body goes sick.

Spinning.

Aching.

Sweating.

This doesn’t make sense.

I just want Evaline.

And then she’s standing next to both of them.

Evaline and this strange couple. Suddenly yesterday and today don’t seem all that different.

I feel the panic in my gut begin to boil until I’m able to articulate the sensation with a primal sort of yelling.

‘Fuck.’

And I run.

The man, he tries to grab me. But he’s weak and scared and really doesn’t know much of what to do. This might as well be a movie to him. This might as well be the eight hundredth sequel to the same action franchise that he’s been watching since his childhood.

I move right past him with a shake and a twist.

To the door.

My hands fumble.

I slow down.

Grab the knob.

I’m out.

My feet hit the sidewalk and there’s a distant yelling as I tear out as fast as I can. Until every part of my body feels like it’s on fire.

My nerves are spastic.

I stop.

My hands go to my knees and my back arches.

I throw up.

It burns.

Everything burns.

My mind races and my eyes light up.

My head spins and my thoughts combust.

I think of the tape. The one with Evaline and the stranger. Lighting fires. Destroying old buildings.

Burning down yesterday.

Burning everything.

And my body is electric. Everything burns.

And then I hear a siren.

My legs hurt.

The world is a blur.

I want to be safe.

I want to be sound.

I can’t seem to get anywhere. I can’t seem to get away from the screaming sirens that chase me though this endless city. They whisper through the alleys and they dance down the streets.

People crane their necks and watch as I fall apart with each footfall. People point. They laugh. They stare. Some take pictures. Some people don’t notice me at all.

I run and the word runs around me.

I move past the restaurant where I had my first date with Evaline. I see her inside. I see her drinking. I see her waiting for me.

It’s not real.

Franklin drives by me in the car that I had borrowed from him.

It’s not real.

If lungs could pop, I’m sure that mine would. Instead they just ache. Instead they just tell me that no matter how good you make yourself look, it doesn’t mean that you’re actually in shape.

I’m false advertising.

And then I trip.

Stumble.

Prepare for the pavement.

When my face hits the ground I find myself laughing. Because this is insanity. Because this can’t be real. Because I’ve most assuredly lost my mind.

I flash back to the doctor.

He told me that things were going to get worse.

And I wish I would have prepared myself, although I know that I never could have.

The sirens keep coming.

I pick myself up.

Start to move.

I feel fear. Is this fear? It feels familiar. Maybe I’ve known it all along. Maybe this is how I’ve gotten this far.

I dodge into an alley and then realize that was a horrible idea. A dead end that smells like garbage. I turn around and hit the sidewalk.

Maybe I shouldn’t be running.

Maybe I should slow down and walk. Act normal. Blend in. Get lost.

I’m always lost.

And I see my parents. They walk past me holding hands.

I stop.

‘Mom! Dad!’

I’ve got a whirlwind tempo to my voice. It’s how I imagine dizziness might sound.

They both look at me. They smile. Their fingers are locked tight. They’re locked together. They’ve become the same person. Figuratively speaking, of course.

‘You’ve got to help me. I don’t know what’s wrong. My head. It’s fucked up. I can’t seem to get anything straight anymore. I can’t seem to make sense of anything.’

They smile and disappear.

Yesterday becomes today and back again.

I see Alicia. I know she’s not real. I haven’t seen her in years. Or have I? When was the last time I saw her.

I’m not sure anymore.

I ask her what to do.

She tells me the same thing she told me before I took off on this stupid adventure to try and excavate and reclaim my past.

She tells me to find Evaline.

She’s probably right.

I need an anchor. I need something to tie me down. I need something.

The sirens scream.

I thank Alicia.

She disappears.

I start to run.

Pick up the pace.

I don’t know where to find Evaline. I still want to find her. I’m still trying. It’s all that I’m holding onto at this point.

Evaline is running next to me. Her memory, it smiles. I smile back.

There’s a loneliness that pushes me.

But there are times where I wonder if I’m not as lonely as I thought I was.

And I cut through several side streets. The good thing about being ageless is that you get to know the city fairly well throughout your life.

I climb a fence.

My feet make a clapping sound as they hit the sidewalk. I pause and check myself. I’m pushing my body too hard. It feels like it’s going to fall apart.

I keep running and I start to wonder what is holding me together.

The sirens begin to grow distant.

I begin to slow.

The stars are out. Burning up the night sky. I’m at a jog and I look up to the night above. It reminds me of a thousand other nights.

It’s peaceful.

And then the sirens disappear. Perhaps they’re still looking for me. Perhaps they’re not. I don’t know. I doubt they even know who I am. I doubt they even care by this point.

And the couple who were living in my old place, they’ve probably already moved on. They probably don’t care that I’ve come and gone. And why would they? I’m the smallest of speed bumps in an endless life.

I get to my parent’s house. Walk inside. It’s dark and dusty and I don’t care.

I walk to my room and sit down.

For all the years I have lived, I’ve accumulated so little.

A scattered few pictures that sit in a box and beg to be reminisced upon. Candid moments sealed in my memory. A hazy recognition of times that were once important.

Time may have little meaning, but it takes its toll.

The past is a mish-mash of what I can manage to untangle from my knotted brain. It’s a kaleidoscope of pieces that pretend to be a whole.

And I’m sitting in my room.

Thumbing through memories.

Holding onto Evaline.

And she sits down next to me. But it’s not really her. A memory. Although at this point I’m no longer sure if that’s any less real.

My fingers touch her fingers.

Why do I always come back here?

To these memories.

To my parent’s place.

Everything in my life seems centered on what was.

My eyes meet her eyes and it’s a shy sort of greeting that betrays feelings which were thought to be forgotten.

And the stars outside creep through the windows and into our laps.

‘You know, I miss you.’

It’s not a profound statement. It’s just what I feel. And the words come out in a slow crawl that tells me I’m giving up hope.

I hold her hand tightly because I can’t let go.