Barry Longyear - Enemy Papers

Davidge gets to his feet and faces Jeriba Ty. "I want to get cleaned up and get something to eat. Then we’ll get together and start getting this trip to Timan on the road." He stops in front of Kita Yamagata, still self-conscious about his appearance. "Do you ski?" he asks.

She smiles and nods. "I see you every now and then at Hidden Valley."

He says, then she says, they laugh, and he says some more and I leave, a strange touch of jealousy filling me. I am confused by it. I am not one of those who couples with humans, male or female, and I have no secret desire to try. Even if I did have such an inclination, it wouldn’t be with an ultra-hairy sixty-three-year-old male with a sour disposition who lives in a cave on an ice planet. Neither would it be with a tiny woman who jumps around on rocks like she cared nothing about her life. The feeling, though, is jealousy.

In my rooms I think on it and find my jealousy standing before me as clear as the desert sun. I am jealous of Davidge and Yamagata. They can desire, they can, perhaps, even love. Give love, accept it, risk it, trust it, perhaps even act on it. They possess emotional parts I am missing. They are complete beings and I am only part alive.

The few I desired, the fewer I loved, all dead. Over the years I turned my desire and love into staying alive, killing, and hardening my heart against everyone. Never before have I seen this as I do now: cowardice. Yazi Ro will not be hurt. All I can do now is look at someone like Falna and ache. I place my hand on the shoulder Falna touched and fight to recall the feeling.

My armor is only a shell and never before did it seem so thin, so empty.

"My apologies, Yazi Ro, but your doors were open." I look and Estone Falna is standing just inside my greeting room door. My heart beats so hard I fear it might tear itself to pieces.

"What is it, Falna?"

"Could you come to Haesni’s rooms? I believe the child is frightened. I tried to help, but Uncle is with Haesni and he suggested you might help."

"I?" I feel my heart slowing, disappointment settling in.

"I believe, Yazi Ro, that he said you are something of a fear expert. Haesni urged me to ask you."

I nod my assent and follow Falna out of my rooms, trying to ascertain whether I have been insulted or complimented. Compliment or insult, it is suddenly very threatening to me. To observe either Davidge must see past my emotional armor, which means the armor is worthless. Soon those thoughts subside as I notice the grace with which Falna walks. There is a piece of my mind that would dare to imagine us making love, while the rest of me laughs at the thought of this brilliant deputy of the Jetai Diea degrading itself to rut with a piece of Amadeen trash. At the north wing of the guest floor, Falna pauses before an open greeting room door and guides me in. At the sleeping room door, it pauses and waits.

The sleeping room door is open. I enter and Haesni is in its bed, a man seated in a chair beside it. The human is in cloth clothing, tan trousers and a dark green jacket. He has no facial hair and his other hair is well trimmed. The only way I recognize Davidge is that his feet are still in those same old snakeskin boots. Saying nothing, Davidge stands, nods his thanks to me, and leaves. I walk over to the bed. Ty’s child is frowning, its gaze focused on some point past its feet. I glance at the door. Falna smiles at me, bows it head, and leaves me alone with the child. I face Haesni.

"Falna said you wanted to speak to me."

The child’s jaws almost grind, its arms ridged at its sides, the hands flexing beneath the covers. "Yazi Ro, have you ever been frightened?"

Frightened?

I lower myself into the chair vacated by the human and land like a bag of sand. I sit there stupidly as emotions safely locked away for years bubble forth leaving me torn between laughter and tears. "Yazi Ro?" I turn my head and Haesni is looking up at me, its eyes wide. "Ro?"

I take a deep breath, blink my eyes, and sit forward, my elbows resting on my lap. "Child. Have I ever been frightened?" The tears win over the laughter. I feel them streaking down my cheeks. I wipe them away with my hands and nod. "Yes, Jeriba Haesni, I have been frightened." I look at the child. "Many times."

Ty’s child looks away, its face softer. "What do you do with the fear?"

What do I do with fear? "Often I do nothing with it. Fear does what it wants with me. I have nightmares. Sometimes, during waking hours, I use the fear to make me watchful. In sleep, though, I have nightmares."

"Do the nightmares ever end?"

"I don’t know."

Haesni’s hand steals out from beneath the covers and holds mine. "Tell me something that scared you, Ro―that scares you still."

I think of a hundred battles, Butaan Ji and the man who wanted me to end his pain; Douglasville and the man with the flute; Stokes Crossing; Gitoh; Riehm Vo; so many. The horrors, the pain, the endless terror of it all. It aids nothing, though, to give the child a heavier burden of nightmares. There are other fears, and I pick one.

"The cliff in front of the cave, Haesni. Its height. It frightens me. It took all I could find to climb down to the bottom. I hate standing on that ledge."

Haesni looks at me, its eyes wide in disbelief. "You are afraid of heights? Heights don’t frighten me."

I shrug and smile at the child. "A little bit of smoke doesn’t frighten me."

The child looks at me for an instant, and laughs. I laugh with Haesni. I stay that night next to Ty’s child, sharing warmth, bad dreams, and the night storm’s wrath.

Early the next morning, the sky still dark, we take the first repast, Estone Nev, Haesni, Zammis, Ty, Falna and Davidge at the table. Afterward, Zammis and its driver streak me toward First Colony to an environmental suit outfitter near the port. From there we proceed to the port and Zammis and I meet with a Vikaan, Rotek I Hye, the representative of the chartering service Zammis hired, The purpose of the visit is to inspect a ship for the voyage. Mirili Sanda arrives after us and joins us in the charter service’s office,

Rotek I Hye is the first Vikaan I have ever seen. Tall, thin, and fragile-looking, her smooth face is set with huge greenish eyes. As with everyone else on Friendship, she dresses as though in the midst of an ice age. Nonetheless, her words of greeting are crowded with sentiments of the allegedly approaching spring.

After she conducts her search on the link, there is only one ship and crew on register and in port that is ready to depart at a moment’s notice equipped for an indeterminate stay on Timan. This seems to simplify the selection process for me. The coincidence of there being only one ship at the port, available, and fitted out for Timan bothers both Sanda and Zammis. As Zammis, Rotek, and I leave to inspect the ship, Sanda remains behind to check out the histories of ship, crew, and owner.

The ship is the Aeolus , a fifteen-year-old refitted USEF attack transport serving as a small passenger and cargo vessel. It carries up to ten passengers and a crew of four: pilot, co-pilot, engineer, and a cargo master who also serves as the ship’s steward. Although old, the ship appears new and well cared for, its hull sleek and gloss black.

The pilot, Eli Moss, is a human and I think approaching forty years, although it is hard to tell with humans. He is dark with a cap of short black hair above unblinking brown eyes set in a serious face. No taller than Davidge, he seems unusually muscular. He conducts the tour of his ship with the distaste of one allowing peculiarly endowed aliens to fondle its underthings.

The tour through the ship is thorough and quick, from the cockpit and crew’s quarters, to the cargo bay, suspension pod bay, and passenger cabins, arranged in single rooms according to human custom. The only two places we are not taken is the engine room and the captain’s quarters because, as Eli Moss puts it, "None of you have any business in either."