Lois Bujold - Komarr

His mouth opened, and shut again. After a moment he said, “I can make it up. I know what went wrong now. I can make the losses up again.”

“I don’t think so. Where did you get that forty thousand marks, Tien.” Her lack of inflection made it not a question.

“I…” She could watch it in his face, as he ratcheted over his choice of lies. He settled on a fairly simple one. “Part I saved, part I borrowed. You’re not the only one who can scrimp, you know.”

“From Administrator Soudha?”

He flinched at the name, but said ingenuously, “How did you know?”

“It doesn’t matter, Tien. I’m not going to turn you in.” She stared at him in weariness. “I take no part in you anymore.”

He paced, agitated, back and forth across the kitchen, his face working. “I did it for you,” he said at last.

Yes. Now he will attempt to make me feel guilty. All my fault. It was as familiar as the steps of some well-practiced, poisonous dance. She watched silently.

“All for you. You wanted money. I worked my tail off, but it was never enough for you, was it?” His voice rose, as he tried to lash himself into a relieving, self-righteous anger. It fell a little flat to her experienced ear. “You pushed me into taking a chance, with your endless nagging and worrying. So it didn’t work, and now you want to punish me, is that it? You’d have been quick enough to make up to me if it had paid off.”

He was very good at this, she had to admit, his accusations echoing her own dark doubts. She listened to his patterned litany with a sort of detached appreciation, like a torture victim, gone beyond pain unbeknownst, admiring the color of her own blood. Now he will attempt to make me feel sorry for him. But I’m done feeling sorry. I’m done feeling anything.

“Money money money, is that what this is all about? What is it that you want to buy so damned much, Kat?”

Your health, as you may recall. And Nikki’s future. And mine.

As he paced, sputtering, his eye fell on the bright red skellytum, sitting in its basin on the kitchen table. “You don’t love me. You only love yourself. Selfish, Kat! You love your damned potted plants more than you love me. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

He snatched up the pot and pressed the control for the door to the balcony. It opened a little too slowly for his dramatic timing, but he strode through nonetheless, and whirled to face her. “Which shall it be to go over the railing, Kat? Your precious plant, or me? Choose!”

She neither spoke nor moved. Now he will attempt to terrify me with suicide gestures. This made, what, the fourth time around for that ploy? His trump card, which had always before ended the game in his favor.

He brandished the skellytum high. “Me, or it?” He watched her face, waiting for her to break. An almost clinical curiosity prompted her to say You, just to see how he would wriggle out of his challenge, but she kept silent still. When she did not speak, he hesitated in confusion for a moment, then launched the ancient absurd thing over the side.

Five floors up. She counted the seconds in her head, waiting for the crash from below. It came as more of a distant, sodden thump, mixed with the crack of exploding pottery.

“You ass, Tien. You didn’t even look to see if there was anyone below.”

With a look of sudden alarm that almost made her want to laugh, he peeked fearfully over the side. Apparently he hadn’t managed to kill anyone after all, for he inhaled deeply and turned back toward her, taking a few steps through the open airseal door into the kitchen, but not too near to her. “React, damn you! What do I have to do to get through to you?”

‘Don’t bother,” she said levelly. “I cannot imagine anything you could do that would make me more angry than I am.”

He had come to the end of his menu of tactics and stood a loss. His voice grew smaller. “What do you want?”

“I want my honor back. But you cannot give it to me.”

His voice grew smaller still; his hands opened in pleading. “I’m sorry about your aunt’s skellytum. I don’t know at…”

“Are you sorry about grand theft and petty treason, bribery and peculation?”

“I did it for you, Kat!”

“In eleven years,” she said slowly, “you have apparently never figured out who I am. I don’t understand that. How you can live with someone so intimately, so long, and yet never know them. Maybe you were living with some Kat holovid projection from your own mind, I don’t know.”

“What do you want, dammit? It’s not like I can go back. I can’t confess. That would be public dishonor! For me, you, Nikki, your uncle-you can’t want that!”

“I want never to have to tell a lie again for as long as I live. What you do is your problem.” She took a deep breath. “But know this. Whatever you do, or don’t do, from now on had better be for yourself. Because it won’t touch.” Done once, done for all time. She was never going through this again.

“I can-I can fix it.”

Was he referring to her skellytum, their marriage, his crime? Wrong anyway, in all cases.

When she still did not respond, he blurted desperately, “ Nikolai is mine, by Barrayaran law.”

Interesting. Nikki was the one tactic he had never employed before, off limits. She knew then how deathly serious he knew her to be. Good. He glanced around, and added belatedly, here is Nikki?”

“Someplace safer.”

“You can’t keep him from me!”

I can if you’re in prison. She didn’t bother saying it aloud. Under the circumstances, Tien was perhaps unlikely to challenge her possession of Nikki before the law. But she wanted to keep Nikolai’s concerns as far separated as possible from the ugliest part of this thing. She would not start that war, but if Tien dared to do so, she would finish it. She watched him more coldly than ever.

“I will fix it. I can. I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about all day.”

Tien with a plan was about as reassuring as a two-year-old with a charged plasma arc. No. You are not to take responsibility for him anymore. That’s what this is all about, remember? Let go. “Do whatever you wish, Tien. I’m going to go finish packing now.”

“Wait-” He swung around her. It disturbed her to have him between her and the door, but she did not let her fear show. “Wait. I’ll make it up. You’ll see. I’ll fix it. Wait here!”

With an anxious wave of his hands, he made for the hall door, and was gone.

She listened to his retreating footsteps. Only when she heard the faint whisper from the lift tube did she step back onto the balcony and look over. Far below, the shattered remains of her skellytum made an irregular wet blotch on the pavement, the broken scarlet tendrils looking like spattered blood. A passer-by was staring curiously at it. After a minute, she saw Tien emerge from the building and stride across the park toward the bubble-car platform, almost breaking into a run from time to time. He twice looked back up toward their balcony, over his shoulder; she stepped back into the shadows. He disappeared into the station.

Every muscle of her body seemed to be spasming with tension. She felt close to vomiting. She returned to her-to the kitchen, and drank a glass of water, which helped settle her breathing and her stomach. She went to her work room to fetch a basket and some plastic sheeting and a trowel, to go scrape the mess off the walkway five floors down.

Miles sat at Administrator Vorsoisson’s comconsole desk, methodically reading through the files of all the employees of the Waste Heat department. There seemed to be a lot of personnel, compared to some of the other departments; Waste Heat was definitely a favored child in the Project budget. Presumably most of them spent the bulk of their time out at the experiment station, since Waste Heat’s offices here were modest. In hindsight, always acute, Miles wished he’d begun his survey of Radovas’s life out there today, where there might have been some action to observe, instead of in this tower of bureaucratic boredom. More, he wished he’d dropped in on the experiment station during their first tour… well, no. He would not have known what to look for then.