Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to get behind them.”

“Maybe I can.” Karnage slipped his fingers into the gap between the tray and the wall. He pulled on the tray. He could feel the resistance of the bent fork pushing against the inside of the wall. Karnage pulled harder. He heard the creak of metal as the fork bent inside the wall. Something snapped, and the tray popped out. The mangled fork dangled from the cable, its head sheared off. Karnage looked up at the monitor. The red kitties of death were still on the screen. Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Citrus Blast. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

“Looks like the system has to be reset manually,” Stumpton said.

“Looks like.” Karnage picked up the fork and gave it a solid yank.

“You’re wasting your time with that,” Stumpton said. “That carbon nanotube stuff doesn’t break.”

“I don’t expect it to.” Karnage wrapped the fork’s wire around his fist. He braced his foot against the wall and pulled hard.

Metal groaned. Something inside the wall snapped. The tray fell halfway out of the wall.

Karnage braced himself against the wall and gave another pull. There was another screech of metal and the tray broke free. It landed with a heavy thud on the floor. The Sanity Patch buzzed.

“Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Peachy Keen. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

Stumpton whistled. “What are you going to do with that?”

“I’m gonna pick the lock.” Karnage unwrapped the cable from his hand and grabbed the fork by its handle. He stood in the middle of the cell and started swinging the tray around in a circle, like an athlete prepping for a hammer throw. After a few spins, he let the cable loose, and the tray slammed into the bars.

Sparks exploded. Electricity crackled and buzzed. The bars bent outwards.

Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Tangy Orange. Please refrain from—”

“How do you like that,” Karnage said. “E-nium’s stronger than titanium just like biometric scanners are tamper proof.”

“How did you know?” Stumpton said.

“I didn’t.” Karnage kicked the tray clear of the sparking bars. “But if this stuff is so strong, then why go to all the trouble of electrifying it?”

Karnage swung the tray over his head again and lobbed it into the mangled bars. The Sanity Patch upgraded to Coral Essence. Karnage didn’t pay much attention to it. He was more worried about the tray. The bars had bent so far in that the tray was wedged inside the bulge. Karnage gave the tray an experimental kick. It was stuck fast. “You don’t suppose these trays are conductive, do you, Corporal?”

“I… I don’t know….”

“Best guess?”

“I’d guess not.”

“Good enough for me.” Karnage launched himself across the cell and slammed his shoulder into the tray. The bars twisted farther out. A corner of the tray pushed clear of the bars. The Sanity Patch chirruped again. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Frosty Pink. Please—”

“Guess you’re right,” Karnage said. “I didn’t get fried.”

Karnage threw himself into the tray again. The entire rear of the tray pushed clear. “One more oughta do it.”

“—upgraded to Strawberry Shortcake. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

Karnage froze. He looked at Stumpton.

“Come on, Major,” Stumpton said, “one more shot and you’re through!”

Karnage pointed at his neck. “Did that thing say what I think it said?”

“What?”

“Strawberry shortcake.”

“Yeah, I guess so. What does that matter?”

“Shit.” Karnage moved to punch the tray in frustration. He stopped himself mid-swing. “Shit-shit shit! ”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do it,” Karnage said.

“Sure you can! It’s just gonna take one more hit! Hell, if you’ve done something to your shoulder, just give it a good solid kick. That’s all it’ll—”

“I can’t!”

A door burst open in the distance. Boots marched down the hall. A pair of extra large Dabneycops emerged from the darkness. The beefier of the two looked from Karnage to Stumpton, then back to Karnage.

“Which one of you knuckleheads is Karnage?”

A high-pitched voice piped up from behind them. “It’s the one who still has both his hands, you idiot!”

The beefy one looked at Karnage suspiciously. “You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! Now get the hell out of my way before I make you sad tossers regret it!”

“Sorry, Sydney.” The two brutes jumped to either side as if they’d been bit. Standing behind them was a third Dabneycop who barely came up to their waists. She removed her helmet, revealing spiky strawberry blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that stared cold and hard at Karnage.

“So,” she said. “You’re Karnage.”

“So,” Karnage said. “You’re Sydney.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” she looked Karnage up and down. “Can’t say you live up to the hype.”

“Feeling’s kinda mutual,” Karnage said.

“Oh yeah?” Sydney smirked. “Expecting someone a bit more manly, were you?”

“Nah,” Karnage said. “Just a little taller.”

Sydney scowled. She poked at the tray jutting out of the cell. “Trying to escape, I see?”

“You noticed that, huh?”

“I’ve got a good eye.” She pointed a finger at Karnage. “You cost me my command.”

“You shoulda done more to hold on to it.”

Sydney smiled. “You got a mouth on you.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“You got the goods to back it up?”

“You lookin’ to find out?”

“I am.” She motioned to the beefier of her two associates. “Tiny. Open the cage.”

“But Riggs said—”

Tiny buckled. Karnage hadn’t seen Sydney move, but her left pinky finger was now pressed against Tiny’s knee. Tiny whimpered and gasped. Sydney never broke eye contact with Karnage.

“Sorry, Tiny. Didn’t quite catch that. Try again?”

Tiny squeaked. Sydney poked a smidgeon harder. Tiny’s eyes started watering. “I’m afraid you’ll have to speak up, Tiny,” she said. “Funny thing. Y’see, I thought I heard you mention the name ‘Riggs’ to me. You wouldn’t do anything that stupid, would you, Tiny?”

Tiny shook his head.

“Good. Now be a good lad and open up the cage. Okay, Tiny?” Sydney curled her finger away from Tiny’s knee. Tiny fell to the floor, gasping.

“Whenever you’re ready, mate,” Sydney said.

Tiny caught his breath. He stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. Giving Sydney a wide berth, he placed his palm on the biometric scanner. It beeped, and the mangled cell door swung open. Sydney pulled a pistol on Karnage.

“This here’s the real thing. None of that goober stuff. Spragmos Industries Max Atom-17. Explosive-tipped bullets. Any funny stuff, and I blow your head clean off. You get me?”

“Any funny stuff and my head blows clean off,” Karnage said.

“Glad to hear we understand each other. Cuff him, Chuckles.”

Chuckles did. Karnage didn’t resist.

“Guess you’re not so hard to handle after all,” Chuckles said.

“Not under the right circumstances,” Karnage said.

“You sucking up to me?” Sydney said.

“Nope.”

“Good. I hate suck-ups. Isn’t that right, Tiny?”

Tiny jumped and whimpered. He favoured his right leg.

“Right. What say we go for a little walkabout then?”

“You’re in charge,” Karnage said.

“That’s right. I am.” Sydney flicked a salute at Stumpton. “Cheers, mate.”

Bewildered, Stumpton watched as they effortlessly led Karnage away.