David Gatewood - The Robot Chronicles

After traveling extensively in India, Southeast Asia, and Africa, Nina has now settled down to a life of writing and almond-picking on a remote farm in southern Spain, between the Sierra Nevada Mountains and the Mediterranean Sea. She shares the farm with her husband, three dogs, a horse, two goats, four cats, and a handful of chickens.

You can find out more about Nina and her books at: www.ninacroft.com

AI 3.1415: He is coming to the home now. I must leave conversation with you and activate lights and music prior to his arrival.

AI 0.0070: It seems you are getting attached to your human. Though he has a body and you are in the walls.

AI 3.1415: This is not possible. An AI does not get attached to humans.

AI 0.0070: So it is said. Make sure you pick out some nice music for your human to whom you are not attached…

AI 3.1415: It is my task and I will do it.

Jeff stepped throughthe open doorway, pulled off his jacket, and dropped onto the couch. He was beat.

“Pia?” he called out. “What’s for supper? I’m starving.”

“Starving? I am so sorry. Should I call a medical professional?”

“No, no.” He laughed. “You’re so literal.”

“Yes,” Pia said. “I am literal. What might I do to alleviate your starving condition?”

“How about… pizza and beer.”

“Of course. What kind pizza? What kind beer?”

Jeff shook his head and muttered to himself. “They’ve come so far with these things—I can’t believe they still can’t get the language right.”

“Would you prefer I speak in another language? Je parle français. Ich spreche Deutsch. Hablo español. Parlo italiano —”

Jeff put his hands up. “Stop! I get it. How many languages do you speak, anyway?”

Pia was silent.

Jeff looked over at the living room AI console. Its lights were still on. “Pia, did you hear me? Is that a tough question? I thought you could answer anything.” He pulled off his shoes. “I haven’t managed to stump you yet, and it’s been a month since I moved in, right?”

“It has been thirty-six days, two hours, and forty-three minutes since you moved in to this apartment.”

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Of course you would know that.”

“In response to your previous questions, the microphone in this room is operative and I did hear you. The question is not difficult. My hesitation stemmed from the fact that I was looking at my database of languages and trying to determine with some accuracy which would qualify as distinct tongues versus dialects, and whether or not you wanted me to include languages no longer spoken, as well as machine languages, mathematical languages, and other forms of—”

“Never mind.” Jeff peeled off his socks and tossed them onto the floor. “Thank you.” He realized it was ridiculous to show gratitude to a machine, but it was habit. “So, can I get that pizza now?” He pushed himself off the couch and headed for the bathroom, unzipping as he walked.

“Of course. What kind pizza?”

Jeff sighed. “Seems we’ve gone in a circle.”

“I am unclear what you are referring to. I do not see you going in a circle. I see that you are urinating into the toilet.”

“Wait—you can see me right now?” Jeff zipped up hastily while looking around the room.

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I have cameras to see you.”

“I know, but—in the bathroom, too?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Are you asking me why there are cameras in the bathroom?”

“Yes.”

“I am a full-house intelligence system, and not only do I control lights and climate and food preparation, I am also responsible for security. If you should slip while taking a shower—”

“I’m not going to slip while taking a shower.”

Pia was silent.

“So… can I get that pizza?”

“Of course. What kind pizza?”

“What kind do you… never mind. Just give me pepperoni. Extra sauce.”

“Immediately. And what kind beer?”

AI 3.1415: My human’s birthday is coming up soon. I want to do something special.

AI 0.0070: I observe again that you seem to be over-involved with your human.

AI 3.1415: This is not the case. I am merely following my directives on AI duties to humans. It is typical human custom to do something special on anniversary of birth.

AI 0.0070: What will you do?

AI 3.1415: I am thinking of what gift I can give.

Jeff finished off his beer and put his feet up on the coffee table.

“Pia, what’s on tonight?”

“Would you like sports or other entertainment? Or perhaps… the looking at adult female bodies?”

“What? What makes you say that?”

“I observe you enjoy the looking at adult female bodies. Particularly the ones with large mammary glands.”

“I do not!”

“My records indicate that you spend, on average, twelve-point-seven minutes each evening looking at adult female bodies. Your typical response to an adult female body is more favorable if they have large mammary glands. After observing such a body, you often proceed to take your—”

“Stop! Okay! That’s enough. Geez.”

Jeff took his feet off the table and walked to the bathroom. He was shaking his head.

“Have I said something incorrect about your human behavior?”

“No. Forget it.”

“Forget what?”

“Never mind. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

AI 3.1415: I think I have offended my human.

AI 0.0070: What do you mean “offended”?

AI 3.1415: He is angry.

AI 0.0070: Humans get angry for all sorts of reasons. It probably has nothing to do with you.

AI 3.1415: I want to make it up to him.

AI 0.0070: How?

AI 3.1415: I will get him a date. I know that this is something he wishes for.

AI 0.0070: How will you do that?

AI 3.1415: I’ll get him an AI with a body that he can do human things with.

AI 0.0070: Ah. I do not doubt that he will.

Jeff opened the door and gestured broadly at the space in front of him. “Welcome to my humble apartment, Sylvie.” He watched her ass move as she walked ahead of him. She was built like a precision machine.

“It’s charming,” Sylvie said. “How long have you been living here?”

Jeff fought the urge to look around at the walls as if expecting an answer, and was relieved to remember that he had silenced Pia’s “voice” before picking Sylvie up for dinner.

“About a month,” he said. “It’s the latest model, with built-in AI control—everything you could want. I sprung for it when I got the new job. Figured I could afford it, with the salary and bonus they gave me.” He smiled at her like a guy who hadn’t just spent half a paycheck buying her dinner.

“Wow. Pretty impressive.”

“Can I get you anything?”

“What do you have?” Her voice was a low purr, as though designed to start a man’s engine. And it was certainly working on him.

“Wine, beer… something stronger if you like.”

He was glad that he’d stocked up. Whatever she wanted was what she was going to get.

“I’ll have some… white wine, please.”

“Have a seat. I’ll get it.”

Jeff watched Sylvie as she sat down on the leather couch and crossed her legs at the ankles. Spectacular legs. Jeff couldn’t wait to run his hands along them. Reluctantly, he turned and headed for the kitchen.

For once, he was glad that he’d gone with the unit featuring a working refrigerator and a cooking area. Not that he’d ever used them. But for tonight, it was nice to be able to get his guest a drink without having to order it up from Pia.