Meg Elison - The Book of the Unnamed Midwife

“She had a nightmare.”

Dusty nodded. Jodi looked like she’d been crying all night, but she looked alive. Alert.

“Do you want to try and eat something?”

Jodi nodded, but she did not look up.

Dusty walked away to the kitchen. She was planning to carry the plates back to the bedroom but Jodi and Honus came quietly to the kitchen table. Dusty made them powdered milk to drink and sat down with her solitary cup of coffee, eyeing them both with a weary dread.

Jodi drank milk and ate a forkful of egg. Honus cleaned his plate as always.

“So, did you decide to live?”

Jodi looked up. “What?”

Dusty was not in the mood to talk at the speed she normally set for conversations with Jodi.

“Did you decide to live instead of dying slowly in that bed? Are you going to live, or are you just going to have breakfast before you die?”

“It’s not like a decision. I’m just alive. I didn’t decide anything.”

“Bullshit.” She drank her coffee.

Stubbornly, Jodi ate another forkful of egg.

Honus cleared his throat and pushed his plate away. “Jodi… we both think we should go back to Huntsville. Not now, when she’s stronger. I’m going to look around for a car, but we might end up having to walk.

Dusty nodded. It was what she predicted they’d do.

“You could come with us…” Honus looked at Dusty and she couldn’t look away.

“Go on.”

“You’d be welcome in Huntsville. You’d…we’d have to tell them… You couldn’t fool them forever.”

“Mhmm. And then I entertain suitors.”

“The bishop would…”

Dusty started to laugh. “Show me where to get my white dress. I can’t wait.”

“What are you going to do, Dusty? Where are you going to go?”

“Not Huntsville.” She sipped her coffee.

“Can’t you just…” Honus was not crying yet, but she could see it coming.

I can’t and you can’t. Jodi needs you and I don’t. Get the hint, Honus.

“I had a nightmare.” Jodi was staring at the middle of the table, at nothing. “I had a nightmare about the two of you. Honus was cheating on me with you. Isn’t that weird?”

“That’s really weird, Jodi. Why do you think you dreamt that?”

Honus’ face had lost all its color. He sat rigidly in place and did not speak.

“I guess I had been thinking about the baby for so long—“ Her voice caught on the word ‘baby,’ but she pushed through it. “That I forgot I have a husband. And I love him, and he needs my attention. You know?”

“Yes, that makes sense.” She was cold. Completely cold, in her veins and in her heart there was nothing but cold, cold water.

“Like, I know it would never really happen because you’re gay and stuff.”

“Am I now?”

Jodi ignored her. “But still, I woke up really mad. Like really mad. So I woke up Honus and told him we had to move on. Try again.”

“Try again?”

“Once I’ve healed. We can try again to have a baby.”

“I see.” Dusty drained her coffee cup. “I have a counter-offer. I have drugs that will help you—“

“No. I’m not going to take birth control in this world. This world needs babies more than it needs anything else.”

“I can give it to you. In case you change your mind.”

“I’m not going to. I’m sure that Honus and I will have a baby that will live. I don’t want it.”

“You might change your mind if you live through another one like this.”

Jodi’s eyes reddened. “That won’t happen again.”

“No. You’re right. Next time, without any help, you’ll probably die. Duty done, punch out. I tried to have babies who would die but instead I did the dying myself. Hang a wreath around me, call me saint. Call me mama.”

Jodi got up so suddenly that her chair shot out behind her. “You’re just jealous! You’re just jealous of me and Honus because you have nobody!”

I could tell her now and it would destroy them both. Take the last thing I know that hasn’t fallen apart and crumble it. For what?

Dusty did not move. She stared into her empty coffee cup. “If only I had my own sexless marriage and dead baby. Then I could be like you. You’re right. You have so much and I wish, Jodi. I wish.”

“Dusty.” Honus spoke to her as though punishment was his to give.

Dad’s mad. Fuck you.

“Fuck you both,” she said rising from the table. “Go when you want. I am done giving a shit. Don’t worry about your nightmare, Jodi. Your husband is as uninterested in sex as you are. Save it for procreation. He doesn’t care.”

She walked out of the room and went to the back of the house. She started to pack.

* * * * *

The house was silent. Dusty dreamed of Roxanne, who spoke in Jack’s voice. “Hey, sweets. Let’s walk the bridge?”

“Where are we going?”

“With the chicken.”

She turned around and saw they were on the Golden Gate Bridge, and Chicken was there, holding Joe’s hand.

“To get to the other side,” he said sullenly.

* * * * *

Jodi dreamed of her baby boy. If she sat him down, she could watch him and see him smile. He made sweet little gurgling noise and she ached all over. When she picked him up, she was only holding a twisted-up blanket. She woke up alone in her bed and cried softly until she drifted back out to sleep.

* * * * *

Honus dreamed that he was with Jodi, but Jodi wanted him with the heat and abandon that Dusty had shown. Her belly was round and tight between them and he knew that the child would be a girl.

“We’ll have to sell her.” Jodi was Dusty, her face changed and her voice was no one’s. Her lips didn’t move. “If we sell her she’ll be safe.”

“We can’t do that.”

“We can do it in Mexico.” Jodi was naked, but out of reach. Receding. Receding. Out of reach.

* * * * *

Somehow the three of them knew that today would be the day. At first light they were all up and making ready.

Jodi found Dusty in the pantry.

“Hey, I was going to pack up most of this, since you guys are headed to Huntsville. But if there’s anything you want, you can have it.”

“You hate powdered eggs anyways.”

Dusty did not turn to face her. “I do. You can definitely have those. The Ovaltine, too.”

“Hey. Dusty?”

She turned this time.

“Nevermind.” Jodi left the kitchen.

I never did.

Dusty walked back to her room and passed Honus in the hallway. He was carrying a bag out to the front porch. It looked as though the Obermeyers were packing light.

Dusty grabbed a rifle and a box of shells and followed him out.

“Take this.”

“I don’t need it.”

“You don’t know what you’ll need. Maybe you’ll hunt with it.”

He took it uncertainly and gently set the butt of it down on the ground. “I don’t know how to use it.”

“Jodi does. I taught her the basics. Just take it, ok?”

“Ok.”

She stalked back in. When she came into the living room, she was ready to go. She was carrying more than she wanted to and she knew she would not go far today.

Honus had his hand on Jodi’s shoulder. “Go ahead.”

Jodi looked sullen. “I… should thank you. You probably did save my life. Thank you. Like really, thank you.”

Dusty looked from Jodi to Honus. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s just what I do. You also don’t have to do anything Honus tells you. Not now, not ever. He needs you way more than you need him. Think about that.”

She turned to him, suddenly. “Could you leave us alone for a minute? Just step out on the porch. One sec.” She turned back to Jodi without waiting for an answer. Dismissed by Dusty’s eyes, Honus stepped out.