D. Walker - The Snacking Dead

3 Wipe the mushroom caps clean. Crumble the bacon. Put the spinach in a sieve, set it over the sink, and using your hands and a death grip, squeeze out as much liquid as you can.

4 In a large bowl, smash together the spinach, bacon, cream cheese, red onion mixture, salt, and pepper. Fill the mushroom caps with the mixture and set them on a baking sheet. Sprinkle the Parmesan on top.

5 Bake until the cheese is golden brown, about 15 minutes. Serve warm.

Walkers are attracted by sounds, bright light, and the smell of people, but they can’t smell bacon. Quickly sort biters from survivors with the powerful aroma of bacon.

P am woke in semi-darkness.Next to her, Penny Morton lay still and cold, her crushed head surrounded by plate shards and stale mushrooms. On the other side of her Pam could make out Stacy. Her friend’s belly had been torn open and oozed a thick, clotted pulp. She looked like a half-eaten calzone.

Pam screamed and burst out of the house into the night, running dazed down the street. She had to get home to her kids.

As she rounded the corner, a man in a seersucker suit slowly turned to glare at her with furious pale eyes. He made a stuck drain sound.

Then he tried to bite her. “Asshole!” she yelled.

Someone dashed out of a dark storefront across the street right as the gory molester fumbled for her. A metallic flash traced a wide arc in the moonlight, and the man’s head flew open with a wet slosh. A tall guy with a tattoo, stubble, and some kind of spade-like weapon helped her up.

“Get up, lady, them walkers are everywhere,” he commanded. She followed in spite of herself. He was bossy and gruff like her ex-husband.

Inside the storefront was a pizza joint. The windows had been covered with tablecloths and the only light came from candles on the counter.

“Did you just kill that man with a pizza shovel?” she asked.

He peered outside through a small hole in the tablecloth. “It’s a pizza peel ,” he corrected. “And that guy was already dead. Biters, walkers, whatever you call them. You got to mash their brains.”

The image of half-eaten Stacy, oozing juicily, came to her unbidden. “Oh my God,” she sobbed.

“Don’t you know what’s been going on?” he said as he wiped the blood from the pizza peel with a sponge.

She shook her head.

“Well, I’ll tell you what I’ve seen, what they’re saying on the radio, but I can’t explain jack. I mean, power on and off, dead people waking up and going cannibal, government falling apart…”

He thrust the peel into the large gas oven and pulled out a knot of dough. He held it out to her.

“Anyhoo, we’re still cooking with gas here. Name’s Trey. Calzone?”

serves 2

Extra-virgin olive oil, as needed

¾ cup fresh ricotta

1 ounce Parmesan cheese, grated (¼ cup)

2 tablespoons chopped basil

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 (8-ounce) ball pizza dough

⅓ cup tomato sauce

2 ounces fresh mozzarella, grated (½ cup)

1 Preheat the oven to 500°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and lightly oil.

2 In a bowl, stir together ricotta, Parmesan, basil, and pepper.

3 Lightly flour the dough and pull or roll it to a 12-inch round. Spread ricotta mixture on half the dough, leaving a half-inch border all around. Brush edges of dough with water and fold dough over filling; pinch to seal.

4 Transfer the calzone to the prepared baking sheet. Brush the top of the dough with olive oil. Spoon tomato sauce over the calzone and sprinkle with mozzarella.

5 Transfer pan to the oven and bake until crust is firm and cheese is golden, about 15 minutes. Let cool 5 minutes before serving.

A long-handled metal pizza peel is an ideal weapon against the living dead. The aluminum blade can be sharpened on three sides. A strong forward thrust will decapitate at a safe distance from the wielder. Be sure to rinse well with bleach before using again with pizza.

S he rushed headlong through her empty house.

“Earl, honey? Ronnie!” Her gut churned at the silence. All she heard was a distant scraping.

Best-case scenario, Earl’s babysitter had taken them someplace safe. “Lindsay, you here?”

Worst-case…

Earl’s SpongeBob backpack wasn’t in its usual place. Ronnie’s phone charger was gone, too. On the table was a half-eaten plate of the kale chips Lindsay made for the kids most afternoons. Kale chips! There was hope.

A chair had been knocked against the pantry, and there was a pink Post-it on the door. She moved the chair to get a better look at the note: an O above an X in red crayon. Maybe a hurried good-bye note?

Something brushed the other side of the door.

Out from the pantry stumbled Lindsay, her outsized white teeth bared in rabid fury, her pretty blue eyes blanched to yellow. She shambled hungrily toward Pam.

An O above an X. Skull and crossbones. Ronnie’s sense of humor. Good lord.

Pam pulled a handle from her knife block, and threatened her kids’ babysitter with a meat cleaver. She gripped it like a hatchet.

Lindsay gnashed her teeth at Pam. Pam remembered half-eaten Stacy and covered her neck with one hand, gripping her cleaver in the other. Lindsay gurgled and lunged for Pam’s belly.

“That’s enough!” Pam aimed. You got to mash their brains.

Pam had excellent knife skills. Lindsay staggered back, spilling kale chips across the floor. The scattered chips crunched as she collapsed on top of them.

Pam fell to her knees, unable to breathe. Rage and frustration burned in her throat. She still had to find her kids. And where the hell was she going to find another sitter who could cook like that?

serves 6 to 8

1 large bunch of kale, torn into bite-size pieces, washed and thoroughly dried

¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil

¾ teaspoon kosher salt

Chili powder, for sprinkling

1 Preheat the oven to 350°F.

2 Make sure the kale is very dry; if not, it won’t get crisp in the oven. In a large bowl, toss kale pieces with olive oil and kosher salt—you may need to do this in 2 batches—to combine well. Massage the oil onto each kale piece until the oil is evenly distributed and the kale is shiny. Spread the kale out on two jelly roll pans (you will need to do this in 2 batches). Bake the kale chips for 12 to 16 minutes, checking on it after 12. If the leaves look crispy and crumble, the chips are ready—otherwise, bake for another 2 minutes and check again. Remove from the oven and allow to cool to room temperature.

3 Toss the kale with the salt and the chili powder to taste.

Carry snacks that won’t turn. Kale chips keep, and they will have you in fighting form for a long time.