Joan Kelly - Rape me!

"Yessss! Oh, fuck, I'm coming! Coommiinngg!" She pounded her frantic delirium against my father's big body. When I saw white flecks of cum collecting in the downy fur that fringed her cunt, I crawled back down the hall, dragged myself onto my bed. I sobbed for a while, dry convulsive sobs that only made the hollowness inside me hollower. Then I slept. I was only dimly aware of movements in the room. Janey putting her damp bikini back on, bending over me. I slept again, the long, exhausted sleep of confusion. My dreams were flitting images of strange beasts and even stranger women. And finally I slept like the dead. There was only blackness… nothingness.

"Are you all right, dear?" Mother's voice, her touch.

"Mom? What time is it?"

"You slept all afternoon, so I didn't wake you for supper. Then you just slept all night, too. You must have been exhausted."

I looked up into her pale eyes, her vague, familiar smile. "Janey…?"

"She went home, dear, yesterday afternoon I suppose." Mom frowned, glanced behind her. "Your father was sleeping off his liquor when I got home from the picnic. He looked terrible when he left for work this morning. You know how he hates Mondays."

I wanted to scream. To scream into her calm, accepting face the truth of what had happened. I wanted to smash her shallow believing nature. She had lived like this for years, ignoring my father's drinking spells, pretending it was the typical behavior of a male and letting it go at that. If only she knew what I knew now! The remembering, the shock came back over me like scalding rain on my skin.

"Mother! I… I…"

She passed a hand over my forehead. "What is it, baby? You look flushed. You aren't sick, are you?"

"No… no, I'm not sick. I…" But I couldn't tell her. Something stopped me. Was I afraid of seeing her bland, superficial facade crumble? Maybe. Her petty little games, her social life centered around the church in every town we moved to – all destroyed in a second. I knew that was what would happen if I told her I'd seen Al and Janey Caruthers fucking in Mama's bed. It was entirely possible that the truth would drive her mad. She didn't have the depth to handle something so completely perverse, so wrong. I didn't even know if I did. Especially when it'd come so close behind my rape by the bikers, my rape by the drifter… Tony. I hadn't forgotten his name. The dirty bastard.

"You do look a little pale. I'll fix you something to eat." Mother left me alone. I got up and pulled on a pair of jeans, a jersey. I couldn't stay in that trailer any longer. I just couldn't. To see my father, to have to look him in the eyes, knowing.

Where? I wasn't so angry that I couldn't think about practical things. I had only one relative who wouldn't mind if I appeared suddenly. My aunt on my mother's side. Aunt Betty. There'd have to be money for the bus ticket, some extra for expenses. Betty lived in Oklahoma, an all-day, all-night trip from Olema. I was shaking with anticipation. I knew what I was doing and it scared me. But I couldn't stay at home now, I just couldn't.

I got part of the money from Mom's purse, some more from what I'd been saving to buy a pair of sandals with. It still wasn't enough to get all the way to Aunt Betty's, but far enough. I could call her then, and she would come and pick me up, I just knew she would. While Mother was talking to Mrs. Caruthers on the phone, I sneaked out with a cardboard box full of my things. I knew I'd have to hurry before she started to the market and found I'd taken every last dollar from her purse. People glanced at me as I went down the sidewalk towards the center of town. Stranger… I hadn't been in Olema long enough to become a part of it and I didn't want to either. I didn't want to see Janey ever again, or Farley or Phil or any of those horrible bikers. The bus stop was in a drugstore on Main Street. I hurried along, my cardboard box banging against my knee, the money for a ticket clenched in my sweaty hand.

"Hey, where ya going in such a hurry?" The red Chevy blazer had pulled in front of me as I was about to cross the sheet. I began to tremble as I looked into Tony's blue eyes. He had on a plaid, wool shirt and his big arm bulged inside. He smiled his half-shy, half-crazy smile and rubbed his blond mustache. I found my courage again and stepped around the front of his car.

I heard him turn around and drive down the street beside me. I thought of running, of ducking into a store and then out the back into an alley. But I didn't really think all this would matter after a few more moments. I would be on a bus and heading out of town.

When I went in the drugstore, Tony parked his blazer and sauntered in, too. I ordered a Coke and sat at the fountain. The bus was due any minute.

"So you're blowin' town, huh?"

I looked at him, considered not answering, shrugged. "So what?"

"You look like an Okie with that damned cardboard box." He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lit it as he watched me. I felt shaky. When would that damned bus get in? Tony flicked his ashes, ordered a cup of coffee from the waitress. He was sitting two stools down. I had my box on the stool between us.

"Why don't you leave me alone," I said.

"Why don't you let me save you some bread? I'm leaving this burg, too, and I'll give you a lift."

I sipped my Coke. "I'm not going in your direction, okay?" He rubbed his mustache like he always did when he was thinking of something. He was probably thinking of a way to fuck me again… The sound of air brakes outside made me whirl on my stool. Thank God! Tony got up, came around behind me. I felt his hand on my arm.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed. The waitress glanced our way, went on wiping the counter. "I could have had you in jail! Do you know that?"

"You liked it too much to call the cops."

I stared hate at him. "I didn't. It was rape!" The waitress glanced up again. I twisted my wrist free of Tony's thick fingers. "Just find some other girl to take advantage of. I never want to see you again in my whole life!"

The bus driver came in and I bought my ticket from him and followed him out to the Greyhound. Tony leaned out the door of the drugstore smiling as I shoved my cardboard box in the rack and slid into a seat. When I looked again, he was waving. The bus snorted like some giant animal and swooshed out into traffic. I took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat. I wasn't going to start thinking of Mom and Dad and get myself to crying. I was just thinking of surviving now. Of getting to Oklahoma City and calling my aunt to come pick me up. I closed my eyes and let the droning engine of the bus calm my head.

I didn't remember when the sailors got on the bus. I'd been daydreaming, watching the scenery pass. It was almost dark when we pulled out of our dinner stop and headed up to the main highway again. Then I looked around, and there was a sailor in the seat beside me.

"Hi, sweetheart." There was liquor on his breath. He clasped something in a paper bag. A bottle. I bit my bottom lip, too scared to say anything back to him.

"You gain' far?" He smiled. He had a red beard, red mustache and the most insane eyes I'd ever seen in my life. Not mean, just crazy. He was built powerfully across the shoulders, slim in the hips. I saw his buddy in the seat across the aisle. His white hat was pushed down almost to the bridge of his nose and he gave me a wink when I looked over.

"Ask her to join us, Wayne," the sailor across the aisle said. "Tell her how fuckin' brave we are. Tell her…"

Wayne's red beard bristled. "Watch your mouth, mister! This here's a lady." I smiled at last. "I would be most honored, fair Miss, if you would share a sip with two lost souls of the sea." His eyes looked grey and green and blue. But mostly crazy.