Dorsai - Jan

She went on, saying "Maybe you're right, and there is somebody out there closer to my own age that I'd be as happy with as I am with you. But how long would it take me to find them? How many idiots would I meet before then? No, I figure I've got a damn good thing with you; and rather than lose you in the hope of finding what you might think would be a 'perfect' guy for me, I'd much prefer spending whatever time I could with someone that already makes me happier than I thought I could ever be. If I could get twenty-five years out of you, then I figure that's a lot better deal than wasting 10 years looking for 'Mr. Right', and spending thirty years with HIM. Besides, even if it didn't work out, for some reason – which I doubt! – then I'd still be young enough to go out see the world and enjoy new experiences. I mean, how much sense does it make? Assuming I've got 25 good years with you, do I give them up to waste ten to get an additional five? Or keep the ones I had to start with? Is that a bet YOU would take?"

I had to admit that she did have a point there; I mean, it had taken ME

25 years to find her, if you started from when I turned 18 and left home.

I sighed, and said "Okay, Kelly. You're right: it's not a bet I'd take.

If you really think you want to take the chance, I'd be delighted if you wanted to spend more time here – or even move in with me, if that's what you want."

She laughed, and said "Now there's a romantic offer, if ever I heard one – but I accept. And I know just how I want to seal the deal!", with a twinkle in her eye.

Standing, she gestured for me to get up, as well. When I did, she took me by the hand, and led me back to the bedroom (big surprise, there).

Looking up into my eyes, she carefully and gently started undressing me, simply dropping my clothes at the end of the bed as she removed them.

When she was done, and I stood naked in front of her, she took a step back from me, and looked me over, slowly and carefully. When she was done, she looked into my eyes again, and began undressing herself, again, slowly and carefully. As each bit of her skin was uncovered, she caressed it a bit, as though feeling it for the first time. It didn't come as much of a surprise to me to find that she wasn't wearing a bra; what DID amaze me was that she'd apparently decided to go without panties, either. As a result, it didn't take long at all before she was as naked as me. She stood there in front of me for a couple of minutes, letting me drink in her beauty before taking my hand, and leading me onto the bed. Once there, she gently guided me onto my back, and then straddled my waist before laying down far enough to rest on her elbows, her breasts pressed into my chest. She softly kissed my lips, then moved on to cover my entire face before pulling back a bit so she could look into my eyes.

Smiling, she softly said "You have done so much for me, and I owe you so much that I could never begin to pay you back."

When I started to speak, she placed a finger on my lips to silence me, and then continued "I know: you don't think you've done that much, and don't think I owe you anything, and don't see any reason for me to 'pay' you back. That is one of the things that you've done for me: you've taught me what it's like to care for someone that much, that you don't keep any kind of 'score' about who had done what for who. You've taught me what it really means to love someone; love them enough to want to be a better person, so that you feel like you deserve them. You've taught me what trust and honor and integrity are, and what courage is, and so many other things that so many people talk about without knowing what they really are. No, I know you're not perfect; I don't think I could stand it – or you – if you were. But your faults, and they are few as far as I'm concerned, are small enough, and special enough, that they only serve to make you a 'real' person, and not some ideal or caricature. I've thought a lot about what you said about what might happen if my parents found out about us. I still hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, then it is you that I will side with, no matter what it takes, no matter what happens to them. Yes, they are my parents, and I love them – but only to the degree that they actually love me. I don't have any ill will to them; but because they defaulted on their responsibility to truly love me, they have forfeited any claim to my love for them. You have taught me that, and I love you for it, because by knowing that, I am free and able to give you my love, in full measure for the love that you have given me. Jan told me what the law was about us making love; that you chose to ignore it in order to make me happy makes me feel honored and special – particularly because of what your real concerns were about it. No matter how small you might think the chances of your getting into trouble are, the fact remains that if the worst were to happen, you would spend too much time behind bars with people that would not treat you well. That you were willing to take that risk, for me, tells me volumes about how much you love me, and truly care about me. To know that I am that important to you gives me a confidence and sense of worth so much higher than I would have known otherwise; it is because of all that you have taught me, by your example, that I have learned what high values they are that you hold. It is because of those values, and your example, that I have been able to become the kind of person that I want to be. What you have done for me has been to not only show me what a better person can be like, but to help me become one, myself. It is for allowing, and even helping, me to raise myself up like that that I recognize the debt – yes, to you, but even more, to others, to help them see what is possible, and how to achieve it."

Satisfied that I wasn't going to speak yet, she removed her finger from my lips. Again resting on her elbows, she used her hands to softly hold my face as she went on "I love you. Because of what I've learned from you, I don't say that as a claim on you, but in recognition OF you, and who and what you are. I know that you love me too, for the same reasons, and I am pleased and honored by it. You told me that you worried about the difference in our ages. That difference between us is far less important than our similarities, and even less important than the care and concern we have for each other. You have chosen to claim the good in life, while minimizing the bad; I beg you to please do the same with me, and our relationship – enjoy what we have, make the best of it, and pay the price willingly when it comes due. But until that time, let us savor our time together. After all, the future is not for us to know – we may have forty joyous years together, or one of us may be run over by a bus a week from now. We don't know which it will be, so let's not get too worked up about what might be, and simply enjoy what is. Don't worry yourself about what could happen to or for me if I didn't have you.

Instead, honor and respect my choice to spend my time with you; I don't do it for you, but for me. I love you. I want to spend as much time with you – as friend, as lover, as anything you will have me as – not for you, but for me. The kind of person you are makes me happy and content, and I want to keep feeling that happiness and contentment, and to make you feel happy and contented, too, because that pleases me, as well. I know that's selfish of me, but there it is – as far as you are concerned, I AM selfish. I share you with Jan, now, but I know that it will not be a 'forever' kind of thing. And I know that what you feel for her is different than what you feel for me. For that reason, I am content to share you with her, physically, for now; and emotionally and spiritually, for as long as we're all alive. But like I said, I do it for ME, and no one else."