Frank Harris - My Life and Loves, Book 1

First of all, I resolved that I would do every piece of work given to me as well as I could so that no one coming after me could do it better. I had found out at school in the last term that if you gave your whole mind and heart to anything, you learned it very quickly and thoroughly. I was sure even before the trial that my first job would lead me straight to fortune. I had seen men at work and knew it would be easy to beat any of them. I was only eager for the trial. I remember one evening I had waited for Jessie and she never came, and just before going to bed, I went up into the bow of the ship where one was alone with the sea and sky, and swore to myself this great oath, as I called it in my romantic fancy: whatever I undertook to do, I would do it to the uttermost in me. If I have had any successes in life or done any good work, it is due in great part to that resolution. I could not keep my thoughts from Jessie; if I tried to put her out of my head, I'd get a little note from her, or Ponsonby would come, begging me to leave him the cabin the whole day: at length in despair I begged her for her address in New York, for I feared to lose her forever in that maelstrom. I added that I would always be in my cabin alone from one to half past, if she could ever come.

That day she didn't come and the old gentleman who said he would adopt me got hold of me, told me he was a banker and would send me to Harvard, the university near Boston; from what the doctor had said of me, he hoped I would do great things. He was really kind and tried to be sympathetic, but he had no idea that what I wanted chiefly was to prove myself, to justify my own high opinion of my powers in the open fight of life. I didn't want help and I absolutely resented his protective airs. Next day in the cabin came a touch on the door and Jessie, all flustered, was in my arms. «I can only stay a minute,» she cried. «Father is dreadful, says you are only a child and won't have me engage myself and he watches me from morning to night. I could only get away now because he had to go down to the machine-room.»

Before she had finished, I locked the cabin door. «Oh, I must go,» she cried. «I must really; I only came to give you my address in New York; here it is,» and she handed me the paper that I put at once in my pocket. And then I put both my arms under her clothes and my hands were on her warm hips, and I was speechless with delight; in a moment my right hand came round in front and as I touched her sex our lips clung together and her sex opened at once, and my finger began to caress her and we kissed and kissed again.

Suddenly her lips got hot and while I was still wondering why, her sex got wet and her eyes began to flutter and turn up. A moment or two later she tried to get out of my embrace. «Really, dear, I'm frightened: he might come and make a noise and I'd die; please let me go now; we'll have lots of time in New York»-but I could not bear to let her go. «He'd never come here where there are two men,» I said,

«never. He might find the wrong one,» and I drew her to me, but seeing she was only half-reassured, I said, while lifting her dress, «Let mine just touch yours, and I'll let you go»; and the next moment my sex was against hers and almost in spite of herself she yielded to the throbbing warmth of it; but, when I pushed in, she drew away and down on it a little and I saw anxiety in her eyes that had grown very dear to me. At once I stopped and put away my sex and let her clothes drop. «You're such a sweet, Jess,» I said, «who could deny you anything; in New York then, but now one long kiss.» She gave me her mouth at once and her lips were hot. I learned that morning that, when a girl's lips grow hot, her sex is hot first and she is ready to give herself and ripe for the embrace.

A stolen kiss and fleeting caress as we met on the deck at night were all I had of Jessie for the rest of the voyage. One evening land lights flickering in the distance drew crowds to the deck; the ship began to slow down. The cabin passengers went below as usual, but hundreds of immigrants sat up as I did and watched the stars slide down the sky till at length dawn came with silver lights and startling revelations. I can still recall the thrills that overcame me when I realized the great waterways of that land-locked harbor and saw Long Island Sound stretching away on one hand like a sea and the magnificent Hudson River with its palisades on the other, while before me was the East River, nearly a mile in width.

What an entrance to a new world! A magnificent and safe ocean port which is also the meeting place of great water paths into the continent. No finer site could be imagined for a world capital. I was entranced with the spacious grandeur, the manifest destiny of this Queen City of the Waters. The Old Battery was pointed out to me and Governor's Island and the prison and where the bridge was being built to Brooklyn: suddenly Jessie passed on her father's arm and shot me one radiant, lingering glance of love and promise. I remember nothing more till we landed and the old banker came up to tell me he had had my little box taken from the «H's» where it belonged and put with his luggage among the «S's.» «We are going,» he added, «to the Fifth Avenue Hotel a way uptown in Madison Square: we'll be comfortable there,» and he smiled self-complacently. I smiled too, and thanked him; but I had no intention of going in his company. I went back to the ship and thanked Doctor Keogh with all my heart for his great goodness to me; he gave me his address in New York, and incidentally I learned from him that if I kept the key of my trunk, no one could open it or take it away; it would be left in charge of the customs till I called for it. In a minute I was back in the long shed on the dock and had wandered nearly to the end when I perceived the stairs. «Is that the way into the town?» I asked and a man replied, «Sure.» One quick glance around to see that I was not noticed and in a moment I was down the stairs and out in the street. I raced straight ahead of me for two or three blocks and then asked and was told that Fifth Avenue was right in front. As I turned up Fifth Avenue, I began to breathe freely; «No more fathers for me.» The old greybeard who had bothered me was consigned to oblivion without regret. Of course, I know now that he deserved better treatment.

Perhaps, indeed, I should have done better had I accepted his kindly, generous help, but I'm trying to set down the plain, unvarnished truth, and here at once I must say that children's affections are much slighter than most parents imagine. I never wasted a thought on my father; even my brother Vernon, who had always been kind to me and fed my inordinate vanity, was not regretted: the new life called me: I was in a flutter of expectancy and hope. Some way up Fifth Avenue I came into the great square and saw the Fifth Avenue Hotel, but I only grinned and kept right on till at length I reached Central Park. Near it, I can't remember exactly where, but I believe it was near where the Plaza Hotel stands today, there was a small wooden house with an outhouse at the other end of the lot. While I stared a woman came out with a bucket and went across to the outhouse. In a few moments she came back again and noticed me looking over the fence. «Would you please give me a drink?» I asked. «Sure I will,» she replied with a strong Irish brogue; «come right in,» and I followed her into the kitchen. «You're Irish,» I said, smiling at her. «I am,» she replied, «how did ye guess?» «Because I was born in Ireland, too,» I retorted. «You were not!» she cried emphatically, more for pleasure than to contradict. «I was born in Galway,» I went on, and at once she became very friendly and poured me out some milk warm from the cow; and when she heard I had had no breakfast and saw I was hungry, she pressed me to eat and sat down with me and soon heard my whole story, or enough of it to break out in wonder again and again. In turn she told me how she had married Mike Mulligan, a longshoreman who earned good wages and was a good husband but took a drop too much now and again, as a man will when tempted by one of «thim saloons.» It was the saloons, I learned, that were the ruination of all the best Irishmen and «they were the best men anyway, an'-an'-»; and the kindly, homely talk flowed on, charming me. When the breakfast was over and the things cleared away, I rose to go with many thanks, but Mrs. Mulligan wouldn't hear of it. «Ye're a child,» she said, «an' don't know New York; it's a terrible place and you must wait till Mike comes home an'-» «But I must find some place to sleep,» I said.