Frank Harris - My Life and Loves, Book 1

The last day came at length and at eleven o'clock all the school and a goodly company of guests and friends gathered in the schoolroom to hear the results of the examinations and especially the award of the scholarships. Though most of the boys were early at the great blackboard where the official figures were displayed, I didn't even go near it till one little boy told me shyly: «You're ahead of your form and sure of your remove.» I found this to be true, but wasn't even elated. A Cambridge professor, it appeared, had come down in person to announce the result of the math scholarship. He made a rather long talk, telling us that the difficulty of deciding had been unusually great, for there was practical equality between two boys: indeed, he might have awarded the scholarship to Number Nine (my number) and not to Number One on the sheer merit of the work, but when he found that the one boy was under fifteen while the other was eighteen and ready for the university, he felt it only right to take the view of the headmaster and give the scholarship to the older boy, for the younger one was very sure to win it next year and even next year he would still be too young for university life. He therefore gave the scholarship to Gordon and the second prize of ten pounds to Harris. Gordon stood up and bowed his thanks while the whole school cheered and cheered again: then the examiner called on me. I had taken in the whole situation. I wanted to get away with all the money I could and as soon as I could. My cue was to make myself unpleasant: accordingly, I got up and thanked the examiner, saying that I had no doubt of his wish to be fair. «But,» I added, «had I known the issue was to be determined by age, I should not have entered. Now I can only say that I will never enter again,» and I sat down. The sensation caused by my little speech was a thousand times greater than I had expected. There was a breathless silence and mute expectancy. The Cambridge professor turned to the head of the school and talked with him very earnestly, with visible annoyance, indeed, and then rose again. «I must say,» he began, «I have to say,» repeating himself, «that I have the greatest sympathy with Harris. I was never in so embarrassing a position. I must leave the whole responsibility with the headmaster. I can't do anything else, unfortunately!» and he sat down, evidently annoyed. The Doctor got up and made a long hypocritical speech. It was one of those difficult decisions one is forced sometimes to make in life: he was sure that everyone would agree that he had tried to act fairly, and so far as he could make it up to the younger boy, he certainly would; he hoped next year to award him the scholarship with as good a heart as he now gave him his check; and he fluttered it in the air. The masters all called me and I went up to the platform and accepted the check, smiling with delight, and when the Cambridge professor shook hands with me and would have further excused himself, I whispered shyly, «It's all right, Sir, I'm glad that you decided as you did.» He laughed aloud with pleasure, put his arm round my shoulder and said: «I'm Obliged to you; you're certainly a good loser, or winner, perhaps I ought to have said, and altogether a remarkable boy. Are you really under sixteen?» I nodded smiling, and the rest of the prize-giving went off without further incident, save that when I appeared on the platform to get the form prize of books, he smiled pleasantly at me and led the cheering, I've described the whole incident, for it illustrates to me the English desire to be fair: it is really a guiding impulse in them, on which one may reckon, and so far as my experience goes, it is perhaps stronger in them than in any other race. If it were not for their religious hypocrisies, childish conventions and above all, their incredible snobbishness, their love of fair play alone would make them the worthiest leaders of humanity. All this I felt then as a boy as clearly as I see it today. I knew that the way of my desire was open to me. Next morning I asked to see the head; he was very amiable; but I pretended to be injured and disappointed. «My father,» I said,

«reckons, I think, on my success and I'd like to see him before he hears the bad news from anyone else. Would you please give me the money for my journey and let me go today? It isn't very pleasant for me to be here now.» «I'm sorry,» said the Doctor (and I think he was sorry), «of course I'll do anything I can to lighten your disappointment. It's very unfortunate but you must not be downhearted.

Professor S… says that your papers ensure your success next year, and I-well, I'll do anything in my power to help you.» I bowed:

«Thank you, Sir. Can I go today? There's a train to Liverpool at noon.» «Certainly, certainly, if you wish it,» he said. «I'll give orders immediately,» and he cashed the check for ten pounds as well, with only a word that it was nominally to be used to buy books with, but he supposed it did not matter seriously. By noon I was in the train for Liverpool with fifteen pounds in my pocket, five pounds being for my fare to Ireland. I was trembling with excitement and delight; at length I was going to enter the real world and live as I wished to live. I had no regrets, no sorrows. I was filled with lively hopes and happy presentiments. As soon as I got to Liverpool, I drove to the Adelphi Hotel and looked up the steamers and soon found one that charged only four pounds for a steerage passage to New York, and to my delight this steamer was starting next day about two o'clock. By four o'clock I had booked my passage and paid for it.

The clerk said something or other about bedding, but I paid no attention. For just on entering his office I had seen an advertisement of The Two Roses, a «romantic drama» to be played that night, and I was determined to get a seat and see it. Do you know what courage that act required? More than was needed to cut loose from everyone I loved and go to America. For my father was a Puritan of the Puritans and had often spoken of the theatre as the «open door to hell.» I had lost all belief in hell or heaven, but a cold shiver went through me as I bought my ticket and time and again in the next four hours I was on the point of forfeiting it without seeing the play. What if my father was right? I couldn't help the fear that came over me like a vapor. I was in my seat as the curtain rose and sat for three hours enraptured; it was just a romantic love-story, but the heroine was lovely and affectionate and true and I was in love with her at first sight. When the play was over I went into the street, resolved to keep myself pure for some girl like the heroine: no moral lesson I have received before or since can compare with that given me by that first night in a theatre. The effect lasted for many a month and made self-abuse practically impossible to me ever afterwards. The preachers may digest this fact at their leisure. The next morning I had a good breakfast at the Adelphi Hotel and before ten I was on board the steamer, had stowed away my trunk and taken my station by my sleeping place traced in chalk on the deck. About noon the doctor came round, a young man of good height with a nonchalant manner, reddish hair, Roman nose and easy, unconventional ways. «Whose is this berth?» he asked, pointing to mine. «Mine, Sir,» I replied. «Tell your father or mother,» he said curtly, «that you must have a mattress like this,» and he pointed to one, «and two blankets,» he added.

«Thank you, Sir,» I said and shrugged my shoulders at his interference. In another hour he came round again. «Why is there no mattress here and no blanket?» he asked. «Because I don't need 'em,» I replied. «You must have them,» he barked. «It's the rule, d'ye understand?» and he hurried on with his inspection. In half an hour he was back again. «You haven't the mattress yet,» he snarled. «I don't want a mattress,» I replied. «Where's your father or mother?» he asked. «Haven't got any,» I retorted.