Frank Harris - My Life and Loves, Book 1

Very soon the first command of it came to my lips almost every hour: «Blame your own blindness! Always blame yourself!»

Early in January there was a dress rehearsal of the trial scene of The Merchant of Venice. The grandee of the neighborhood who owned the great park, Sir. W. W. W., some M. P.'s, notably a Mr. Whalley, who had a pretty daughter and lived in the vicinity, and the vicar and his family were invited, and others whom I did not know; but with the party from the vicarage came Lucille.

The big schoolroom had been arranged as a sort of theatre and the estrada at one end, where the head-master used to throne it on official occasions, was converted into a makeshift stage and draped by a big curtain that could be drawn back or forth at will. The Portia was a very handsome lad of sixteen named Herbert, gentle and kindly, yet redeemed from effeminacy by the fact that he was the fleetest sprinter in the school and could do the hundred yards in eleven and a half seconds. The Duke was, of course, Jones; and the merchant, Antonio, a big fellow named Vernon; and I had got Edwards the part of Bassanio; and a pretty boy in the fourth form was taken as Nerissa. So far as looks went the cast was passable; but the Duke recited his lines as if they had been imperfectly learned and so the trial scene opened badly. But the part of Shylock suited me intimately and I had learned how to recite. Now before E… and Lucille, I was set on doing better than my best. When my cue came, I bowed low before the Duke and then bowed again to left and right of him in silence and formally, as if I, the outcast Jew, were saluting the whole court; then in a voice that at first I simply made slow and clear and hard, I began the famous reply: I have possessed your Grace of what I purpose; And by our Holy Sabbath have I sworn To have the due and forfeit of my bond. I don't expect to be believed; but nevertheless I am telling the bare truth when I say that in my impersonation of Shylock I brought in the very piece of «business» that made Henry Irving's Shylock fifteen years later «ever memorable,» according to the papers. When at the end, baffled and beaten, Shylock gives in: I pray you, give me leave to go from hence, I am not well: send the deed after me, And I will sign it, the Duke says, «Get thee gone, but do it,» and Gratiano insults the Jew- the only occasion, I think, when Shakespeare allows the beaten to be insulted by a gentleman. On my way to the door as Shylock I stopped, bent low before the Duke's dismissal; but at Gratiano's insult, I turned slowly round, while drawing myself up to my full height and scanning him from head to foot. Irving used to return all across the stage, and folding his arms on his breast, look down on him with measureless contempt. When, fifteen years later, Irving, at the Garrick Club one night after supper asked me what I thought of this new «business,» I replied that if Shylock had done what he did, Gratiano would probably have spat in his face and then kicked him off the stage. Shylock complains that the Christians spat upon his gaberdine. My boyish, romantic reading of the part, however, was essentially the same as Irving's, and Irving's reading was cheered in London to the echo because it was a rehabilitation of the Jew; and the Jew rules the roost today in all the cities of Europe. At my first words I could feel the younger members of the audience look about as if to see if such reciting as mine was proper and permitted, then one after the other gave in to the flow and flood of passion. When I had finished everyone cheered, Whalley and Lady W… enthusiastically, and to my delight, Lucille as well. After the rehearsal, everyone crowded about me. «Where did you learn?» «Who taught you?» At length Lucille came. «I knew you were someone,» she said in her pretty way (quelqu'un), «but it was extraordinary! You'll be a great actor, I'm sure.» «And yet you deny me a kiss,» I whispered, taking care no one should hear. «I deny you nothing,» she replied, turning away, leaving me transfixed with hope and assurance of delight. «Nothing,» I said to myself, «nothing means everything»; a thousand times I said it over to myself in an ecstasy.

That was my first happy night in England. Mr. Whalley congratulated me and introduced me to his daughter, who praised me enthusiastically, and best of all, the Doctor said, «We must make you stage manager, Harris, and I hope you'll put some of your fire into the other actors.» To my astonishment my triumph did me harm with the boys. Some sneered, while all agreed that I did it to show off.

Jones and the sixth began the boycott again. I didn't mind much, for I had heavier disappointments and dearer hopes. The worst was I found it difficult to see Lucille in the bad weather; indeed, I hardly caught a glimpse of her the whole winter. Edwards asked me frequently to the vicarage; she might have made half a dozen meetings but she would not, and I was sick at heart with disappointment and the regret of unfulfilled desire. It was March or April before I was alone with her in her schoolroom at the vicarage. I was too cross with her to be more than polite. Suddenly she said: «Vous me boudez» I shrugged my shoulders. «You don't like me,» I began, «so what's the use of my caring?» «I like you a great deal,» she said, «but-» «No, no,» I said, shaking my head. «If you really liked me, you wouldn't avoid me and-» «Perhaps it's because I like you too much-»

«Then you'd make me happy,» I broke in. «Happy,» she repeated. «How can I?» «By letting me kiss you, and-» «Yes, and-» she repeated significantly. «What harm does it do you?» I asked. «What harm?» she repeated. «Don't you know it's wrong? One should only do that with one's husband; you know that.» «I don't know anything of the sort,» I cried. «That's silly. We don't believe that today.» «I believe it,» she said gravely. «But if you didn't, you'd let me?» I cried. «Say that, Lucille. That would be almost as good, for it would show you liked me a little.» «You know I like you a great deal,» she replied. «Kiss me then,» I said. «There's no harm in that.» And when she kissed me I put my hand over her breasts; they thrilled me, they were so elastic-firm; and in a moment my hand slid down her body, but she drew away at once, quietly but with resolve. «No, no,» she said, half smiling.

«Please,» I begged. «I can't,» she said, shaking her head.

«I mustn't. Let us talk of other things. How is the play getting on?»

But I could not talk of the play as she stood there before me. For the first time I divined through her clothes nearly all the beauties of her form. The bold curves of hip and breast tantalized me and her face was expressive and defiant. How was it I had never noticed all the details before? Had I been blind? Or did Lucille dress to show off her figure? Certainly her dresses were arranged to display the form more than English dresses, but I too had become more curious, more observant. Would life go on showing me new beauties I had not even imagined? My experience with E… and Lucille made the routine of school life almost intolerable to me. I could only force myself to study by reminding myself of the necessity of winning the second prize in the mathematical scholarship, which would give me ten pounds and ten pounds would take me to America. Soon after the Christmas holidays I had taken the decisive step. The examination in winter was not nearly so important as the one that ended the summer term, but it had been epoch-making to me. My punishments having compelled me to learn two or three books of Vergil by heart and whole chapters of Caesar and Livy, I had come to some knowledge of Latin: in the examination I had beaten not only all my class, but thanks to trigonometry and Latin and history, all the two next classes as well.