Dorsai - Taxi

"It's okay, dear", I assured her. "I kinda figured it was something like that."

It wasn't until she tilted her head to look up at me that I realized that I'd used the endearment; I was looking into her red, puffy, and still beautiful eyes when she asked me "Why did you call me that?"

Apologetically, I told her "I hope you'll forgive me, but after everything that has happened, I can't help but feel at least a little bit of affection for you." Seeing the expression on her face, I hastened to say "No, I'm not saying I'm madly in love with you, or that I want us to run off together, or that I think we should spend the rest of our lives with each other; just that after hearing all that you've been through, and holding you while you cried, I can't help but feel a little protective of you. And along with all the rest of that, you're a very pretty young lady."

She considered that for a few moments before telling me "Okay, I can understand that. I mean, having your arms around me is making me feel like I'm being protected, now."

She looked into my face for a few more seconds before letting her head rest against me again.

I was perfectly willing to stand there and hold her for as long as she wanted me to – both to let her hold on to that protected feeling she'd mentioned, and for the simple pleasure of feeling her body against mine.

A bit later, I heard her softly ask "After you've been so generous to me… and so patient and understanding… and not judging me for what happened to me… would you do one more thing for me?"

"If I can", I answered, thinking she wanted some small favor or other – only to be amazed when she asked "Would… would you show me what it's like to be loved by a man?"

After getting her pried loose from me, I held her by the shoulders at arms length when I asked her "Are you asking me to be with you… physically?"

I could see the nervousness and fear (of rejection?) in her eyes as she answered "Yes, that's what I'm asking. All I have ever known has been… him… and I'm sure that it's supposed to be better than that! But I'm afraid, too – that what I had with him has ruined me for other men; that I'll never know pleasure or happiness because of what he has done with me. You know that I'm not a virgin now, but that also means that no one will have to know if you will do that for me. Please, Jim… you have already been so gentle and patient with me – could you help me find comfort that way, too? I could… feel you, when you were holding me, so I think maybe you think I'm pretty enough…"

Over the years, I'd been on the receiving end of all manner of questions, requests, offers, and outright propositions – but hearing that from her was definitely a first. If I hadn't been aware of how she'd gotten to that point, I'd likely have taken her up on it in a skinny minute; but I did know, and I was all too aware of what kind of emotional and psychological shape she was in just then. I certainly thought she was pretty enough, and didn't doubt for a moment that the body I'd felt against mine would be just as appealing. It was my ethics and morals that were keeping me from closing the door behind me and fulfilling her request. That left me standing there trying to decide just what the hell to do as my desire and compassion battled each other.

I could see her getting more and more nervous and fearful, and finally got the front part of my brain working well enough to mediate between my compassion and desire.

Looking into her eyes, I asked "Saleh, a lot has changed for you today. Are you sure that you want this to happen? And now?" My conscience demanded that I give her the chance to call it off, at least once.

She stood a little straighter, and I could hear the certainty in her voice as she answered "Yes, much has changed. But ever since I was married, I have dreamed that I would know hope and happiness; and each time he was with me, I lost some of that dream, and I was afraid a little more. Today, because of you, I have my dreams again. Will you not help me lose the fear, too?"

I ignored her question in favor of asking one of my own: "If your married life was difficult with him, what makes you think that it might be better with me?" I had to know if there was any chance that we'd actually accomplish anything, or if the whole deal would just end up with hurt and frustration.

I saw her eyes flicker from the directness of what I'd asked; she was just as direct when she replied "When I could feel you, while you were holding me… you were being so gentle and considerate… that I could imagine what you would be like that way, and I began to feel my own desire."

Hearing that threw me for a few moments before I could ask "What would you have me do with you?" If anything was going to happen between us, I damn sure didn't want to push her too hard – so I needed to get at least some idea of where the line was. Still, I wasn't prepared to hear her say "I only know about one thing, from him. But before I married him, I knew that there are a lot of other things that a man and woman can do together. If you will teach me, I want to learn about them."

That was a pretty open-ended response, to be sure; but I didn't figure that I'd be suggesting anything too outrageous to her. The last thing I needed to be sure of was that she really was open to the idea of physical intimacy with me. I addressed that question by gently guiding her to stand in front of me, then softly cupping her face in my hands while I tilted my head down and chastely kissed her on the lips.

It wasn't but a moment before she had her hands in my hair as she kissed me back, moving even closer to me so that her body was touching mine.

When our lips parted, we looked into each others eyes as I told her "Saleh, if you think that I could make being with a man a good thing for you, then I will consider it a priveledge to try."

She smiled and nodded as I saw tears of what I thought were happiness begin to well up in her eyes; but she quickly got control of herself and told me "Thank you, Jim" with quiet sincerity.

That settled, I released her so that I could turn around to close and lock the door that I'd left open – I'd only expected to be there for as little time as possible, and had left it open so as to avoid giving her any cause for concern, little suspecting what would happen instead…

As I was doing that, I couldn't help but wonder if closing the door wouldn't cause her to have second thoughts; but when I turned to face her again, she looked every bit as certain as she'd been before. As we looked at each other, I took the opportunity to tell her "If we are going to do this, then I want you to know that I am not going to 'push' you to do anything, or be angry or upset with you if there's something you don't want to do – I'm not that kind of person, anyway. You've said that you would like to learn from me, and I am perfectly willing to help you discover those things that you want to learn. But if it happens that I start to teach something you don't want to learn, you only have to say so, and that will be the end of it. You are an intelligent, good, and very pretty young lady, and all I want is that you enjoy what happens between us, and think kindly of me when our time is finished."

I saw her gain a little confidence at hearing that, and listened as she answered "Thank you, again, Jim. From everything you've said and done, I know that I don't have to worry about what happens while I'm with you. I'll admit that I'm still a little bit nervous, and even afraid – not because of you, but because of me. Don't be afraid to offer me things to learn, and don't think that you have to worry about hurting or frightening me. I'm sure that I want to do this, and I know that I CAN do it, if you'll help me."

After that, she stepped forward a bit and took me by the hand to lead me over to the bed. Turning to face me again, she looked up at me and smiled as she said "Please, Jim… help me learn that I don't have to be afraid any more."