Chico Williams - The Ups and Downs of Life

She evidently understood my glances, for she returned them, but steadfastly repelled all attempts at caresses. One fact I had ascertained to my great satisfaction, she did not care two straws for her husband; he, foolish man, had not succeeded in pleasing his young wife. She had married him to comply with the wishes of her friends (like most girls who go out to India), because they assured her he was a suitable match, and could offer a handsome settlement, and found out too late that he had nothing in his temperament to suit her ardent nature.

Now it happened at this time that the officers were getting up some theatrical performances, which were to precede a masked fancy dress ball, and the only obstacle they met with was to find officers sufficiently young, clever and willing to undertake the female parts.

A deputation from the theatrical committee waited upon me and exhausted all their persuasions to induce me to take the part of Laura in Love, Law, and Physic, but I absolutely refused.

'I'd no idea,' I said, 'of being turned into a girl just on the eve of a fancy ball.'

By and by some of these fellows went to dine with Captain and Mrs B-, and complained very much of my obstinacy.

'Perhaps,' said Mrs B-, 'a lady might be able to induce him to comply; accept my good offices.'

They were delighted, and tendered her their thanks.

The next day she invited me to tiff (lunch) with her, tete-a-tete. I accepted the invitation with rapture. As soon as we had got all we wanted, she told the servants they need not wait, and at once opened the campaign. I began to relent.

'But, my dear Mrs B-,' said I, 'I shouldn't know how to dress myself, I've no idea in the world how women's clothes are put on. I should make of myself the greatest guy in the world.'

'But suppose,' she said, with a bewitching smile, 'that some lady were to offer to be your tirewoman; suppose, for example, I were to consent to dress you?'

'You!'

Yes. I myself!'

'In that case I would undertake to act in twenty farces!' cried I after reflecting for a moment.

'But your husband, what would he say to that?'

'My husband, indeed! I hope you don't suppose I ever allow him to intrude into my dressing-room! You are very like a young lady who arrived at the cantonment the other day, a Miss J-. I happen to know she is not well, and as she has often been here, if the servants see you, they would merely say if asked that Miss J- had been with me; that is after I have dressed you, mind, prior to that you must not be seen by any mortal, and must come through the plantation at the back of the house, to my bathroom window, which opens on it; you will find nobody in the garden. Sit down under the window till I come to you.'

'At what time?' cried I, enchanted at the prospect of an intrigue so completely after my own heart.

'Oh! about half-past seven or eight; I shall take an hour to metamorphose you; but remember one thing, you must not smoke one cheroot all day tomorrow, or you will spoil a little afterplot on which I have set my heart.'

While she was talking, I had stealthily passed my right hand under the fall of the tablecloth, and was toying with her polished thigh about two inches above her garter.

'Don't be rude,' she whispered. 'Imprudent boy, don't!'

I gave her a look.

'What wicked eyes you have!' she whispered again.

'Everybody else says the same thing,' said I, 'but this plot of yours — tell me your plot?'

'You know Feridoon, as they call him, Cornet F-, of the — th Cavalry,' said she, blushing prodigiously, and pushing away my hand, which I had forced higher up her thigh.

'Oh, yes, the ass!'

'Is he not!' said she. 'Well, before I married, he had the effrontery to pay his addresses to me!

and, since my marriage, has so persecuted me with his attentions, that everybody has noticed it and my husband has spoken to me about it. I told him I detested the fellow and that he was welcome to kick him out of the compound, or set his servants to do it when next Mr F- had the presumption to call. This pacified Charlie, and he took his measures so well that I have not seen my persecutor since, but I want to be revenged on him, and as my revenge is a mere harmless joke, you must assist me.'

'With all my heart,' said I, 'only tell me what to do, and I'm your man.'

'Well,' said the dear creature, smiling archly, 'after the play is over you must put on a mask and get into my palankeen, apparently to go to your quarters to change your clothes, but instead of taking you there, the bearers shall have orders to make a detour and deposit you at the ballroom door.

I shall be sitting on the first couch on the left-hand side; you will come and seat yourself beside me. I shall introduce you to F- as Miss J-, he will ask you to dance, and you will keep him at work all night, and torment him a little, won't you dear!' and she put her hand down to squeeze my leg; but I had released a certain prisoner who had long been rampant, so that when she put her hand down she caught hold of — !

'Oh, you naughty, naughty boy!' she exclaimed, snatching away her little hand, but at the same time blushing and smiling. 'You'll torment him, won't you?'

'You shall see,' said I.

'Well then, au revoir, little S-, till we meet tomorrow evening!'

I cast upon her a look full of love and took leave.

Punctually at half-past seven I took up my post under the bathroom window of pretty little Mrs B-.

After waiting about a quarter of an hour the jalousie was opened! how my heart beat with expectation!

'Are you there S-?' said a soft whisper.

'Yes, my angel.'

'Then jump in, quick!'

I sprang into the bathroom. She immediately closed and bolted the jalousie blinds. I threw my arms round her waist and covered her face and neck with kisses.

'Do be quiet, you naughty tiresome boy! leave off, sir! you'll make me angry presently.'

'Nonsense, Ellen!' I whispered passionately, 'we understand each other!'

'And if we do,' said she gravely, 'that's no reason you should compromise me. My husband is at home, dressing for the ball, so you must restrain yourself. Now, mind not one word even in a whisper,' and she led me into her dressing-room, where a lamp was burning. She then bolted the door opening into the bathroom, and signed to me to strip. Never did I denude myself of my clothes so rapidly. She let me draw my shirt over my head, but when I was going to pull off my trousers, 'Stop, stop!' she whispered, scarcely above her breath, 'you need not take those off, you can roll them up above your knee.'

'I'll be hanged if I do,' said I in the same low tone of voice, and before she could prevent me they were off, and stark naked I stood before her, stiff and erect!

'Oh, you naughty boy, this is too bad! it is indeed!'

'Ellen, I must have you! indeed, indeed, I must!'

'Oh, my God, no!' she sighed out still in a whisper.

'Then I'll go away,' said I, 'I can't stand this,' and I began to pick up my clothes.

'Stay!' she said, laying her hand on my arm. There was a magic in that monosyllable. I caught her in my arms and bore her blushing to the bed. I had just got into her, and was in the height of bliss indescribable, when there was a knock at the door, 'Well! what is it?' said she sharply.

'Ellen, my love,' said her husband, 'have I left my razor strop in your dressing-room? I fancy I did, when I came in to speak to you this morning,' said he.

'My dearest love, I don't know, I'm sure, but I'll look. I'd open the door and let you come and look for it yourself, but Miss J- is with me, and we are both undressed. I'm going to take her to the bal masque, you know; dear me, no I can't see it anywhere, how very tiresome, you can't have left it here, dear!' said the little puss.

'Oh, never mind, my love,' said poor B-, 'don't trouble yourself, I beg!' and away he went.