Jeremy Sterling: Compromised

Esmer was writing this down on his notepad. “What are the strengths in your marriage?”

“ God, I wish I could remember. I spend most of the day pissed at him.” She shook her head, and ran her fingers through her long hair, then took a deep breath and let it out. “Eric has a good heart. I am proud of his job and how good he is at it. He is thoughtful in most ways — like flowers, and romantic vacations. He is smart and funny and tells great stories.” She looked into Eric's eyes. “I dated a lot of guys who couldn't put up with me. They called me a bitch, or a cunt. Eric says I've got moxie.” She half-smiled at him for the first time today.

“ Moxie?” Esmer looked at Eric, who scrunched up his lips and shrugged. “Well, you have enough fight in you to come here, trying to save your marriage.” Esmer set down his notebook. “OK, we have two real issues so far — sex and housework. Any others?”

Megan said nothing. Eric just shrugged.

Esmer pressed them. “Money? Most couples fight about money.”

Eric volunteered. “Never been an issue. We are both pretty frugal, and have good jobs.”

Megan assented.

“ How about family? Any conflicts with in-laws? That's another common one.”

“ No,” Megan said.

Eric pursed his lips and nodded. “Her family is cool. I even like her flaky sister.”

Esmer appeared satisfied. “Then let's talk about sex. Megan, are you happy with your sex life?”

“ No. I mean, I used to think if I was more relaxed I would want sex more, and then I would be happy with it. But lately I just don't give a fuck. I am too pissed at him.”

“ We need to address that now. Do you want to save this marriage or not? If not we can stop wasting each other's time.”

Am I ready to give up? “I think this is probably a waste of time, but I am here, aren't I?”

Esmer took that as a yes. “Back to sex. How about the 'edgier' stuff that your husband was discussing?”

“ You think I need to let him fuck me in the ass to save our marriage?”

“ It isn't what I think. Sexual compatibility is important in a marriage. Couples need to discuss these things through, and determine which sexual activities are on the table. If anything is off the table, they need to be honest about it.”

“ Eric and I had those conversations before we got married. The only things I would take completely off the table are bondage stuff, and him cheating on me. Pain hurts, it isn't sexy. And if he tried to bring another woman into my bed, I would cut his dick off.”

Eric chimed in. “You do care!” He had a goofy grin on his face.

She couldn't help but smile. Not for the first time, Megan wondered why Eric saw her abrasiveness as charming. Moxie.

Eric continued, “I never wanted to cheat on her anyway. Look at her? Why would I want to? I think it would be fun to tie her up, but I knew Megan wasn't the submissive type when I married her.”

“ So that leaves us with household chores.”

Esmer was ready to move on to the next topic, but Eric wasn't. “Wait a minute. How does that leave us with household chores? You didn't solve anything related to sex.”

“ No, but I see a potential framework.”

“ How does that help?”

“ Eric, I offer a 100 % money back guarantee. You have nothing to lose by bearing with me.”

Eric looked skeptical but said nothing.

“ You both have said money isn't a problem. Have you considered hiring a housekeeper?”

“ We discussed it. Megan doesn't want anyone with that kind of access to our house.”

“ So that leaves it up to you. What is the deal with the chores, Eric?”

“ It's a couple things. I don't even notice that they need to get done. Most messes don't bother me. If it's something that will attract mice, or makes the floor sticky, sure, I notice it and clean it up. But she gets upset if I leave the mail on the counter.”

“ It takes ten seconds to put it away. Why do you leave the mail on the counter?”

“ I don't think about it. You know that joke where the guy says to not think about an elephant, so you start thinking of one? Its like that in reverse. It doesn't occur to me to start thinking about an elephant until someone says something.”

“ But you were complaining that she nags you, so it sounds like she is saying something.”

“ That gets to the other thing. A lot of what she wants done is useless. Why put the toothpaste in the vanity cabinet when I am just going to get it out again in the morning? She wants me to get out of bed, and put the toothpaste away. It's ridiculous. If she reminds me when I am in the bathroom, I'll do it, but otherwise it just irritates me.”

“ Marriage requires some mutual compromise.”

“ Where is her compromise?”

“ How about sex?”

“ What?”

“ Isn't there room for a compromise about sex?”

Eric looked confused. “We have tried changing our behavior before, but it never takes, and we fall back into our old habits.”

“ It sounds like you were happy with your sex life before you got married.”

“ Yeah, I think it was the romance of dating. I love her, but I am afraid that this is just who she is now, and the Megan I dated was just how she acted when she is infatuated. We had an exciting, whirlwind courtship. I think maybe we married before we knew each other well enough. Now it's too late. I mean, I am a cop. I see the same low-lifes in jail or court every week. You can't change who you are.”

“ Not even with the proper incentive?”

“ What do you mean?”

Esmer stood up. “Eric, I need to talk to Megan alone for a few minutes.”

Eric gave her a teasing look. “You're in trouble…” He left Esmer' office, and headed toward the lobby.

Megan turned back to look at Esmer. He was holding a metronome. He set it on his desk, and it began to tick…

“ Megan?”

Megan felt drowsy. Had she dozed off?

“ Megan?” It was Dr. Esmer' voice.

“ What happened?”

“ Don't be concerned. It's pretty common when we practice these relaxation exercises. Can you get your husband out of the lobby?”

Megan rose. She felt very relaxed. The cobwebs had left her brain quickly. She opened the door, and saw Eric waiting in the lobby, playing some game on his iPhone. He looked up at her and smiled.

She did love his smile. God, this would all be so much easier if he would just help clean up the damned house.

Eric joined her in the office.

Esmer shook his hand. “I think we are done here. If either of you aren't fully satisfied, call me in a week, and we can arrange for a refund.”

Eric looked surprised. “We are done? We didn't do anything. You don't have anything you want us to practice? Like having her turn her back and fall backwards, and having me catch her before she hits the ground?”

“ Would that help you?” Esmer looked curious.

“ No,” Eric confessed.

“ Then why would I want you do it?”

Megan could tell that Eric's surprise was turning to anger. “We just paid you $2000 and all you did was listen to us for an hour. What the hell is this?”

“ I charge $2000 for one session because unlike other counselors, you get all your results from one session, and I don't get repeat business. I depend instead on referrals, like you.”

“ Yeah, John and Sandy said you were a genius and saved their marriage, but that's not the point.”

“ It is the point. Did they say how I saved their marriage?”

“ No, they were kind of vague.”

“ Then you will have to trust me for one week. If not satisfied, you will get a refund.”

Megan could tell that Eric was not satisfied right now. “Dr. Esmer, how many of your clients have requested refunds?”