Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

Drowning’s the one for me. You can do a lot of shit to me, but since I almost drowned when I was a kid you play around with that at all and I’m gonna freak and then take it out on you. So, no phobias—agreed?

It should be pretty clear by now that mindfuck is a huge fucking category with lots of room for all kinds of kinksters to do all kinds of things. But there are some basic rules to keep in mind to help any kind of mindfuck happen.

The Top, by definition, has to know more about the scene than the bottom. This starts with a balance of communication and mystery. The bottom has to know what’s going to happen but also know that he doesn’t know everything that’s going to happen, or how it’s going to happen. The bottom has to know the Top enough to trust her, but not so much that she feels fully safe. There needs to be some lingering doubt, always, and always carefully managed. I like to say that the bottom should only trust you enough to show up for the scene .

So as the Mindfucker you have to know if the gun is loaded, and the bottom can’t know. (You have to know if the gun is real, too, and the bottom can’t know.) You have to know if you’re going to kill that person, and the bottom can’t know. You have to know how it will end, and the bottom can’t know.

This also means that you have to know what your bottom knows. I’ve done a bit of weaponsex and I always get hard shoving the barrel of my 9 mm Beretta 92FS down some hungry pig’s throat. But I ain’t an idiot. The gun I use is 1) a realistic blank-firing replica and 2) never loaded. But a smart pig who’s done a lot of gunsex is gonna suck on that barrel when it’s in his mouth. Why? Get plenty of air, there’s no bullet in the chamber, so you know it’s not loaded (or at least not chambered). All the fear goes away and, heck, that ain’t much fun. So, if I know I’m playing with a pig who knows how to do that, man, I just plug up that barrel with a bit of cotton. I can see the fear in their eyes when their clever little trick sends them a whole different message, the message I want them to have in their heads.

That’s because “Control the Info” means more than just “controlling” information; it means managing the information a bottom has access too. Innuendo, sensory control, half-truths—they all play a part. In this sense, a blindfold is your best friend, because the brain is used to processing visual information. Slap a blindfold on anyone, and I mean anyone , and the mindfuck has started. Their brain just runs with the last visual input it got and then tries to extend it. So, you see me with a big fucking hunting knife and then I blindfold you. Your brain still sees that knife and not the little wooden toothpick I’m poking at your privates. Information managed. Same thing with sound, once someone’s blindfolded. Get ’em tied, get ’em sightless, walk away, slam the door. They’re going to think you left. They won’t know, of course, but it’s that not knowing that makes the mindfuck happen.

The mindfuck isn’t happening out here in the real world, though it might look that way. Instead, the mindfuck is always happening up in the bottom’s head. So the Mindfucker needs to get the bottom to do the bulk of the work up in there. That means you don’t want to overdo anything in the scene; instead, you need to provide the context for the bottom to activate the scene. For example, one very bad mindfuck scene I was in was a kidnapping back in my bottoming days that was just, well, melodramatic. After the guy “kidnapped” me (by which I mean I had to help him drag me over to the waiting van), he “called” someone and said something along the lines of “I’ve got him. Erase all his information.” Oy. I knew it was only going to go downhill from there because it was suddenly very obvious just how not real this kidnapping was. The Top did too much, went too far.

Best way to follow the Less Is More rule? Confirm nothing . I once totally mindfucked this bootlicker online. He was convinced, and I mean utterly convinced, that I was controlling his mind. The chats went something like this:

“Oh, fuck, Sir, you’re in my head, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“Shit, I knew it. Fuck, what are you doing to me?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t even really have to lie to him about what was going on. I just had to hold back and let his head fuck itself. Sweet.

As a Top you need to deliver the mindfuck and maintain it; otherwise the spell will be broken. That means reading where the bottom is, doing what it takes to maintain the illusion, but also knowing when it’s coming to a head and timing the scene appropriately. Every lie has its limits. You need to know those limits and tweak the dynamic to keep the sense of unreality real. For example, you get all jazzed and jizzed thinking about me drugging and raping you, so when you show up I shove a pill down your throat (maybe make you wash it down with my piss). Now, at first, you’re gonna think it’s all happening. And, soon, you’re going to feel a little weird and probably a little tired. I mean, fuck, we’re all tired these days, so no wonder, right? But sooner or later you’re going to realize you’re not passing out. That lie has a definite limit.

All these rules support one goal: for the Top to get the bottom to the point where she can say up in her head, I know I’m safe and this isn’t real, but what if it is? I call this the safety valve because it allows the bottom to control the amount of fear he wants to experience. Not excited enough? Let yer head drift over to the What if it is real? side. Starting to freak out? Slide back down to I’m safe and this isn’t real.

This safety valve mechanism is crucial for a successful mindfuck. If you leave out either part of it, it all falls to shit. If the bottom is sitting there only thinking the first part, I’m safe and this isn’t real , then there’s no fear, no fulfillment of fantasy, no test of faith. It’s just another scene. Fun, maybe, hot, maybe, but just another scene where we’re all safe and playing hard but nice. At the same time, fuck, you’re screwed if all you remember is the second part, but what if it is? If the bottom gets stuck on the idea that it’s all real, you risk real panic. And panic, let me say again, is a really, really bad thing in a scene.

The good news is that it’s not that hard to get the valve working. That’s what the rules are for. Control the Info to leave enough doubt to activate both sides. Remember that Less Is More, and the bottom’s head can do all the work, sliding up and down the scale of fear as needed. Deliver and Maintain, and everyone involved can ride that mindfuck for as long as you all want.

Part of what the rules remind us is that all mindfuck is really self-mindfuck. If you’ve done any play with hypnosis, this might be familiar to you. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis, all mind control is self–mind control. As a mindfucking Top, all you need to do and all you want to do is create the context for this self-persuasion to happen. I’ve got a few methods to help you out with that.

First: Ask questions that prompt contextualized thinking. Ask questions that get the bottom’s head in the right place. For example, in a fear-based mindfuck you might have a verbal script peppered with questions like “Who will miss you most when you die? Will they remember you? Did you say goodbye? Did you say you’re sorry?” In a fantasy-based mindfuck you might be asking, “How will it feel to be turned into a cigar? Do you ever think about what it would feel like to be lit? To feel the heat consuming you?” And in a faith-based mindfuck, the questions are serious shit: “Will you trust me with your life? Will you do anything for me?” Ask the question, and the bottom’s brain takes over. It answers it. It fills in the gaps. It makes the magic happen.