Tristan Taormino: The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

During a scene, communication can be more of a challenge. Certainly you could do a scene where you speak freely and give your partner feedback, like this:

• Can you slow down a little?

• Oh, the cane stings more on my thighs than my butt.

• How does this flogger feel compared to the one I just used on you?

• I really like the needles in my chest.

• That dildo’s too big. Do you have the blue one?

• You reacted a lot more when the wax came close to your neck.

• Shall I adjust the nipple clamps? Can you take them just a little tighter?

But there may be circumstances that prevent this kind of open dialogue. If you’re striving to maintain a strong D/s dynamic in the scene, then a submissive’s feedback needs to be more cleverly solicited and spoken. In fact, you can reinforce the power dynamic while communicating. Have the submissive ask for each slap of your hand, count each stroke of the cane, or even beg for the next drop of hot wax. Instruct the submissive to add some “Pleases” and “Thank yous” after each one or make him count each paddle strike. Not only does this move the scene along nicely, it gives the submissive the opportunity to communicate his state of mind. If he begins to wince or hesitate as he speaks, he may be nearing his limit.

Similarly, if you’re in a role-playing scene, you want to stay in role. A student doesn’t say to the teacher, “Do it harder!” just as a victim doesn’t tell his attacker “Please slow down.” Plus, (human) ponies and (adult) babies can’t talk at all! Or maybe a bottom wants to be taken on a journey, and neither of you want there to be a lot of back-and-forth chat. You want to lose yourself in the rhythm of the flogging, the sensation of the singletail against your skin, or the feet you plan to worship before you. In some kinds of scenes, a bottom is flying so high that he slips into deep “subspace” (a trancelike state some bottoms can achieve, especially in a heavy scene, that often leaves them incoherent). In these situations, eye contact and nonverbal communication are critical. As a top, your ability to read your bottom’s body language is essential. Pay attention to the bottom’s breathing rate, facial expressions, how his body reacts to sensation, and whether the reaction changes. Use your judgment about whether something should continue, ratchet up, or wind down.

“I don’t want any pink ones—that’s way too big for me,” I told her.

She replied, “Okay, no pink ones.” She told me to take my shirt off as she snapped on a pair of blue nitrile gloves.

She rubbed down my chest with alcohol, looked me in the eye with alarming concentration, and told me to take a deep breath. The first needle felt good—a brief prick, then a smooth sliding underneath my skin as the needle penetrated me. I looked down and there it was, a sharp and shiny point that disappeared into a strip of raised skin then came out the other side capped with a blue plastic tip. It was on my chest above my left breast, and it soon had a twin on the right side. She continued moving down my chest, inserting needle after needle. There were some that were so smooth they slid right in with a sensation very much like a finger in a wet pussy. There were some that were slower or deeper and made me squeeze Daddy’s hand really hard as she whispered in my ear, “That’s a good girl. Breathe. Deep breaths. There you go.”

Body modification:play piercing/temporary piercing, suture play, stapling, saline inflation, permanent piercing, cutting, branding

Tools:piercing needles, sutures, sterile staples, scalpels, branding tools

What happens after a scene is just as significant as what goes on during it. Think about it: you’ve just had an intimate experience with someone, and you need to make sure she is all right physically and mentally. Whether you play like you have in the past, do something for the first time, explore a new dynamic, or push harder than ever before, it’s wise to check in with each other. A scene is like an extraordinary date, a highflying adventure, or a one-of-a-kind experience—one or both of you are likely to be flooded with endorphins afterward. You might feel energized and excited, worn out and beat down, or, seemingly inexplicably, both. You may be lightheaded or feel like you’ve run a marathon or seen God. You may feel exuberant, meditative, vulnerable, anxious, giddy, confused, scared, transcendent, or dumbfounded at what just happened. These sensations are all completely normal and quite common. Let the feelings, even the scary or overwhelming ones, wash over you. Take a deep breath.

Imagine you’ve doled out a heavy caning that tested the limits of your partner’s body, pain tolerance, stamina, and perseverance. You just gave it, and good—now take care of the person who took it. If you’re the top, part of your responsibility is to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: Do you need to use the restroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—because your bottom has been kneeling or standing for an hour during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.

Some partners want to process their experiences and feelings about the scene right away, so you need to be prepared to do that; people may have a lot of different emotions afterward. Be ready to listen, validate, and comfort. Some people want sex play, making out, or some sweet cuddling as part of aftercare. Others need a few kind words, a hug, and a lollipop, and they’re on their way. After an intense scene, people also like to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often, right after a scene, you’re still in the afterglow, but feelings may come up later that you want to discuss. Bottom drop is a common experience where, after the high of a scene wears off (which can take hours or days), a bottom suddenly feels sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused. If you experience this drop, the antidote is often just to reach out to partners, friends, and loved ones for support and reassurance.

Since the bottom is the one who receives the cane strikes, the piercing needles, or the interrogation, there is often a lot of emphasis on the bottom’s safety, comfort, and well-being. Do not forget that tops (and Dominants and sadists) also need safewords, have limits, and want aftercare. Tops: make sure you take care of yourself, have what you may need handy, and ask for what you want. Post-scene, tops may experience the malaise of top drop , and anyone can encounter event drop , which frequently happens after you get home from a fun, play-filled BDSM event. Aftercare is different for everyone; don’t assume you know what someone wants—ask.

These definitions are not meant to be exhaustive and definitive; they are a brief introduction to (or refresher course on) common terminology and tenets used in the book. Many of the concepts are explored in depth in the chapters ahead. While it’s true that language and labels can often limit, exclude, or box us in, words can also help us define ourselves, communicate, and connect with others. Use these explanations as a kind of shorthand and starting point. It’s worth asking others, What does dominant mean to you? Why do you identify as a masochist? What kind of a bottom are you? Likewise, ask a play partner what his or her own values are. What do you think about SSC? How do you garner consent? What is your communication style during a scene? Questions like these can lead to useful, fruitful discussions. With a new partner, it’s common to get a reference from someone else who’s played with him or her. Most kinky people I’ve met take pride in their skills, experience, and integrity. They strongly believe in the tenets of BDSM, and they are invested in earning the respect of their play partners and peers. Use these conversations as an opportunity to gauge if you are on the same page before you’re ready to invest time and trust with someone. If you start with a solid foundation, the sky’s the limit.