Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

If you do have a past trauma, know that this play is not therapy. It may have a cathartic benefit, but it absolutely is neither a means to obtain mental health nor a substitute for frank discussions with a professional. I encourage survivors of abuse to explore their past with a kink-aware therapist or counselor prior to delving into this world. And I redouble that recommendation if you are contemplating engaging in edge play. A person who was raped at knifepoint and thinks that having someone they trust recreate the trauma will help them “get over it” is taking a risk—and putting their partner and their relationship at risk as well. Sure, it might all be peachy-keen and hugs and smiles afterward. But it might be profoundly triggering instead, and prove difficult for the surrogate perpetrator to recover from if the victim experiences difficulty in the scene’s aftermath.

Everyone is at risk here. The risks to the bottom, the victim in this scenario, seem obvious. The potential for flashbacks or new traumas looms. But what about the aggressor, the perp? Are you sure, in the cold light of day, you won’t look at the friend who did bad things to you and have flashbacks to the gravity of the scenario you brought to life? What happens if this doubt creates cracks in the foundation of your trust with them? If you are the wicked abuser, are you prepared to handle the feelings that might come up for you when you realize that you’ve unleashed a demon that deliberately pushed another human to the brink and possibly beyond? There is also the risk of transference. If a survivor of abuse replays the abuse in a role-playing scenario, there is a chance that unresolved issues may attach to the partner who has stepped into the role of the abuser, even if it is in the context of a consensual scene.

Knowing why all involved parties are up for this most dangerous game will help build the absolutely necessary trust and get everyone on the same page. Frank disclosure of personal histories, from all sides, is of vital importance. And self-care, including discussing your concerns and history with a health-care professional familiar with the practices of consensual BDSM, kink, and leathersex, is an essential step in processing those past traumas.

Each of us has our own darkness. What might seem a deeply disturbing scenario to one might be an average Thursday night for another. There are, however, some categories of dark role play that are generally regarded as edge play. These include, but aren’t limited to, scenes of rape, domestic violence, hate crimes, and incest. The common thread in these scenarios is an effort by the aggressor to dehumanize, disempower, and control the victim for their own gratification. This is the taproot to the dark energy that can fuel these scenes. Power, forcefully taken, can be an intoxicant for the aggressor. And being stripped of one’s power in a consensual role-play scene can also be titillating for the one being overpowered. A loss of control gives you permission to simply be in that moment , carried not by your own impulses and volition, but subject to the whims of the one who has coldly decided to make you fodder for their selfish desires. As troubling as these impulses may seem, when channeled through the stream of consensual play, they can be an outlet for impulses that deserve healthy release.

Rape and domestic abuse are never acceptable. There is no excuse, no defense, for emotional, physical, and psychological violence against another person. Then how does one justify these desires? It is simple to talk about consent, but there are those who assert that no one can ever consent to abuse. There is legal support for this position, as even consensual BDSM and kink behaviors are prosecutable offenses in most jurisdictions. So how can I say yes to saying “No!” but not meaning it? Am I not just mirroring the abuses around me by perpetrating these abuses in a fantasy that merely propagates a system designed to oppress and strip me of my humanity?

If my stated desires as an adult look like an abusive or dehumanizing interaction, and my partners and I make an informed decision to engage in it, it’s all good, baby. Seriously. Acting out personal or historically wicked situations and/or abuses is my right. My sexual fulfillment is only as politicized as I permit it to be. I give no quarter to the juggernaut of political correctness when it aims for my libido, leaving behind a grease stain of shame and guilt.

I’m a black woman living in the USA. While there are people who experience a greater degree of socioeconomic and racial disadvantage, or who have more oppression pressure points to hit, there aren’t many. So when I say I have struggled in the darkness of my own desires, trust that these were not easy to digest and overcome. My ancestors, my predecessors who fought for the rights of women and the rights of people of color were fighting for freedom, and I plan to respect their memory by exercising that freedom.

After struggling with the desire to be submissive and a feminist , wrestling with my secret cravings for rough, violent sexual encounters, denying my masochistic streak, vilifying my desire to be “owned” in the context of a consensual BDSM master/slave relationship as the descendant of African slaves in the colonies, I finally began to find peace when I realized I was not doing myself any favors by denying these desires. I need to live authentically. If there are things about my desires that shame me, and I succumb to that shame, I am not being true to myself. Rather than bury them, I have given myself permission to explore them, and I have found ways to plumb the depths of these desires with people who understand them and are willing to walk that dark path with me.

As I’ve mentioned previously, doing your homework is critical to mitigating risks in taboo role play. I say mitigating because nothing is 100 percent guaranteed. There is risk. That is part of the frisson of danger: we are walking that tightrope. There are many things to keep in mind when plotting these scenarios (for detailed information, I suggest reading my previous chapter, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing) but the mind-set of the aggressor is key. In the case of a rape fantasy, for example, the motivation and the goal of the rapist needs to be absolutely clear.

I spoke to a fellow kink/BDSM educator about the preparatory work and personal exploration necessary to negotiate rape fantasies. Barak, in addition to having many years of experience as a health-care professional, has also worked as a nurse in a psychiatric crisis center. He and his wife, Sheba, founded Adventures in Sexuality (AIS), a group in the Midwest that focuses on education, outreach, and safety within the BDSM, kink, pansexual, and polyamorous communities. Since they conduct presentations centered around play that is edgy and pushes the edges of consent, and he has specific experience being the aggressor in scenes that play with themes of rape and consensual nonconsent, I asked Barak about the mind-set needed to successfully navigate these turbulent waters. This is his reply:

It is tricky to approach playing with a rape fantasy, and the approach will vary depending on if it is a coercive “rough sex” scenario or a full-on consensual nonconsent scene. In the former, the eventual goal is mutual satisfaction. An example might be an overpoweringly coercive “date rape” fantasy where the “victim” is eventually, forcibly “seduced” to an erotic reaction and a sexualization of the power shift, even if it is not initially consensual. There can be a rather more playful approach to these scenes, without an overwhelmingly violent element.

This becomes a different scene if the total stripping of power is the goal. Goals have to be clear in terms of the activity and the consequences. Rape is almost never about sex. It is about power and control.