Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

You can also cut and paste from your history. It may be wildly insensitive to turn to your lover and say, “Hey, I’m gonna close my eyes and pretend you are this ex-partner of mine who was simply an amazing lover, okay?” Creating a role-play scenario focusing on what made your ex such a delightful sexual partner is far more intriguing. Was there a situation, a place, a time that brings you back? Did you have a particular shirt that your lover removed from you in just a certain way that left you hungry for more? Perhaps an unexpected caress in a surprising place that drove you wild? Share and then dare to go there, because most folks want to learn how to get more pleasure out of their sexual experiences. And who better than you to show your partner how you like to be done?

Role-playing can free you from the occasional hesitancy many of us feel when asking for exactly what we want.

Role-playing can free you from the occasional hesitancy many of us feel when asking for exactly what we want. And it also permits you to cherry-pick from your sexual history to gather the highlights and craft a scenario that embraces all the heat and fire and passion that you recall from your favorite encounters. Only this time you can skip over the awkward parts and get right to the hot hotness!

We have plenty of adulation for those performers who can morph chameleon–like into varying personae. It can be truly amazing when a skilled actor seems to blend seamlessly into the character they are portraying, losing themselves in the process. One of the wonderful benefits of role playing is that you can step outside the person you are in your “default” life and become someone entirely different. This type of role playing, “becoming the other,” gives you a unique freedom.

If it is in your nature to be aggressive, demanding, and extroverted, try adopting a character who is shy, retiring, and bashful. This gives you room to explore a reality that, while it might not be where you want to live, is a liberating place to visit. And if you tend to be the sort for whom even making a move on someone you find attractive seems a massive impossibility, take on the persona of a consummate seducer—give yourself permission to be the passionate Casanova, Cleopatra, siren, or succubus. Be the irresistible creature of everyone’s fantasy. Inhabiting that character can expose a facet of you that you might not even know is there!

Let slip your ideas of gender, race, body type—none of these matter when you use your head to get out of your body. Don’t worry about who you think you are right now. Turn your gaze inward, open yourself to the possibility of becoming, even if for just a little while, someone else. If I want to have crazy monkeysex with my partner while pretending I am a captured rōnin Samurai, I am not gonna let it stop me that the body I currently inhabit just so happens to be that of a curvy black woman. A little research, a little creativity, and I can find myself in excruciating Japanese rope bondage being mercilessly interrogated by a ruthless overlord who is bent on sullying my honor with whatever, uh, tools are at their disposal.

Your fantasies do not have to be politically correct. They do not have to be socially acceptable. It is not pathological or abnormal to have fantasies that incorporate rape, abduction, sexual abuse, nonconsensual violence, racial bigotry, or any of the behaviors that constitute “man’s inhumanity to man.” While negotiation with and the consent of all involved parties is vital to a safe, sexy, and fun role-playing romp, the sky is the limit when it comes to doing what you want to do.

At the core of role playing is the truth that we all have within us many, many facets. It can be difficult, especially for those of us raised in a social atmosphere of repression, to let go of the idea that we might be “wrong” or “sick” if we have darker fantasies. The truth of it is, we all have our darker fantasies, and those shadowy places can be a rich playground, too. Of course, these fantasies add a layer of complexity when you take on a role or persona with a sinister aspect.

The truth of it is, we all have our darker fantasies, and those shadowy places can be a rich playground, too.

First, it can be troubling to see your own appetite for destruction brought into the light. It can also be surprising to discover how we react when confronted with our demons, or with the monsters that live in those we love and care for. But I do not believe that we ought to shy away from these scary creatures or avoid fearsome fantasies. Fantasies of rape, humiliation, and degradation are not uncommon. But the shame we frequently attach to these desires can hamper us from exploring them, and therefore knowing ourselves. The core issue is not that what you do is “wrong” or “bad”; it is that you may feel wrong or bad because of messages you have received from society or family. When you act out your fantasies, you can leave all that behind.

Many of us are raised to feel shame as sexual beings. But consenting adults who are able to embrace their desires and make them flesh have the unique advantage of moving beyond shame and guilt. We do so in a spirit of liberating and exploring our sexuality. But always keep in mind your limits—your boundaries, the stuff you just cannot or will not do. When negotiating your fantasies with your partners, make clear what is and is not okay. It might be hot to pretend you’re the naughty schoolgirl being ravished by a stern teacher, but if you are a survivor of abuse, this type of role play might trigger a flashback to that trauma, bring up a bad memory, or cause a reaction that is not conducive to hot consensual sex. Make sure you talk about your past and get clear on your motives and your desires before engaging in this play.

Negotiation, limits, and consent are of critical importance when exploring role playing. Without them, you increase the risk of missteps that can derail the fun, or worse, create emotional chaos. Even a light, fun scene can be derailed if expectations are not clear and everyone is not on the same page.

When thinking about and planning these scenes, consider your own and your partner’s motivations, desires, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. As I said, the sky’s the limit, but you have to decide to go there together. The negotiation process—setting boundaries for what is or is not acceptable, working out the desired scenario, deciding how long the scene will last—can seem a bit of a bore and a big old chore.

Some folks are wonderful when it comes to improvisation and winging it; others absolutely need to know what is around the bend in order to feel safe.

But consider it foreplay. Try whispering into your lover’s ear that you just bought this hot bondage gear and you’re wondering how long it might last while you’re securely pinned down and at their mercy. Make the negotiation part of the scene. You can get their buy-in to the scenario during the negotiation process, and if it happens in an organic, sexy environment, it won’t feel like work at all.

Setting boundaries is important no matter what roles you are considering. Whether you are the passive captive, the aggressive ravisher, or embodying your younger, more innocent self, losing your virginity in the backseat of a ’57 Chevy, ya gotta know where the edges of things are. Some folks are wonderful when it comes to improvisation and winging it; others absolutely need to know what is around the bend in order to feel safe. Be clear about your own boundaries, and make sure you are crystal clear about the boundaries of your partner.