Edward Sellon - The New Epicuriean

'I am sure,' cried Mrs. J, whose countenance had quite cleared up during this speech, 'I shall be vastly pleased to oblige your ladyship in any way in my power. Pray arrange it just as you like.'

'And if,' added I, 'my dear Mrs. J, you will yourself occasionally favour us with your company and bring any of your young ladies with you, we shall both, I am sure, be enchanted. You know I have some pretty grounds to which I do not admit everybody, but your name will be an “open sesame” at all times.'

'Oh, Sir Charles,' cried the good lady with a conscious blush (which showed she knew those precincts well), 'you are too good, I am sure. But really, to tell you the truth, I was quite frightened when I saw your carriage drive up the avenue, as I remembered I am two quarters' rent in arrears; indeed, I am afraid you find me a sorry tenant.'

'I would not change you, my dear madam, for all the best tenants in the world. But see, I anticipated your fears, well knowing the sensibility of your nature and your honourable sentiments; here is the receipt, and as for the money, pray accept it to procure any little article of jewellery you may require.'

Mrs. J glanced furtively at my wife before she replied; but seeing nothing in that sweet face but the most amiable and charming smile she said at once, 'Oh, Sir Charles! how very considerate and kind you are; always the same noble gentleman, madam,' she continued, turning to Lady Cecilia, 'so land, so generous.'

'Then it is all settled,' said Cecilia; 'and remember to bring some of the prettiest of your young ladies. You know Sir Charles loves a good romp with young girls, and I am not at all jealous.'

'Oh, my lady, I can see you are a sweet creature, and I am delighted Sir Charles has made such a happy choice. I will bring two or three of my girls with your dear little cousins; but will you not see them before you go?'

'Oh, yes, certainly; send for them, I beg.'

Mrs. J rang the bell, and presently appeared two of the most lovely, blooming children I had ever seen. Augusta and Agnes they were called, one nine and the other eleven years old. They had the sweetest and most innocent countenances in the world, and their manners did ample justice to Mrs. J's training. I took one on each knee, and as I kissed their rosy cheeks I felt through both their muslin frocks that they both had nice, firm, plump little bottoms, with which I hoped ere long to be better acquainted.

Mrs. J saw the movement, and smiled archly. Then, catching Cecilia's eye, 'A sad man! a sad rake! is he not, my lady?'

'Oh, indeed he is!' cried Cecilia, laughing; 'and if I mistake not, you and I know all about it, n'est-ce pas?'

Mrs. J blushed scarlet, but seeing that the remark was mere playful badinage and not malicious, she soon recovered her presence of mind. After a merry chat with the little girls, a tip for them of a guinea a piece, and the promise of new dolls, we took our leave.

As soon as we were in the carriage my wife gave me a tap with her fan, saying, 'Positively, Charles, you are incorrigible; I do verily believe that Mrs. J is an old flame of yours.'

'Of course she is, my love; and a deuced fine woman she was, I can assure you; a little stale now, perhaps, but a most useful person, and so prudent. Whenever she has had any orphan girls, or girls whose friends did not pay well or punctually, if they were pretty (and she will not take ugly ones), she has always brought them to me; and in this way for five guineas I have bought many a little maidenhead of her. Yet so cleverly has she managed matters that nothing unpleasant has ever arisen out of these affairs. Except, indeed, in one case which I had almost forgotten, which was rather awkward, as the fool off a guardian thought proper to take offence upon his ward complaining to him; and he came down here in a towering passion with Frank Firebrace of the Guards. He waited in the wood and sent the captain to me with a cartel.

'I was not the man to refuse such a summons, but told him he must wait till I also sent for a friend. I knew where an old chum of mine was to be found and posted off a messenger for him. On his arrival we started to the place of rendezvous, and there, on that deep dell which you admire so much, I was under the disagreeable necessity of killing the guardian of the little girl while O'Brien made an end of poor Firebrace. I was vexed with him, I remember, for this, but he quieted me with, “Don't you see, my dear fellow, in a delicate affair like this, there is nothing like securing silence; and sure dead men tell no tales, at all, at all.” As for the girl, we smuggled her out of the country and locked her up in a convent. Egad, it was a deuced unpleasant business and made poor Mrs. J very much afraid of Bridewell, at the time.'

'Oh! dear Charles,' said Cecilia, 'how charmingly wicked you are, and how vastly cool you seem to speak of it. You naughty man, I do believe you ravished the girl.'

'Oh, yes,' said I, 'it was doubtless what the law called a rape.'

'And what had Mrs. J to do with it?'

'Ah, she brought the girl to me and held her down while I deflowered her. You see the girl was a little Puritan whom we had, in vain, tried to break in; but her modesty was superior to either menaces or presents. Unfortunately, she was very beautiful, and only thirteen, and the opposition made me mad for her. But do not let us speak of it any more; it was one of those contretemps which occasionally mar the uniform career of a man of pleasure.'

'Really, Charles, you quite frighten me with your coolness. But never mind, you dear man, I love you with all my heart and shall never think very harshly of your little peccadilloes.'

The following Thursday brought Mrs. J, the two young cousins, and three other young ladies about whom it will be necessary to say a few words.

Miss Marshall was a poor Irish girl from the county of Kerry, whose unnatural father, a naval officer, having placed her three years before with Mrs. J, had never paid a shilling. Upon writing to the town where she came from, Mrs. J found that her father was her only relative in the world, and looked upon her, therefore, as lawful prey.

This girl was a thorough Irish beauty, with dark blue eyes and black hair, a rather dingy skin, a pretty enough face, and a well-formed figure, though rather thin; there was something taking about her, although she looked grave and sad. She was turned twelve years old.

The next I shall describe was Miss Jennings, a merry, laughing blonde, very plump and pretty, with a profusion of light hair. She had been brought up by her grandmother, who paid very little. This girl was about eleven and ripe for a frolic.

The last of the trio, Miss Bellew, was a tall, handsome girl of fifteen, nicely made, but a little too slight if anything. She was dark and swarthy, a brunette, in fact; but there was soul in her black eyes, and withal a look of languor quite enchanting. As for the little cousins, they were chubby children.

Such being our party, and chocolate and fruit with plenty of cakes and bonbons being served on the lawn by Phoebe and Chloe, we all soon became friends. The refection concluded, and leaving Cecilia to entertain Mrs. J, I took the bevy of young girls to see the poultry yard and then the ponies. I had previously given Phoebe a hint to let the stallion into the mare's compartment, so that when we arrived the animals were in the very act-a sight which provoked the astonishment and laughter of the little girls and made Miss Marshall look very pale and grave while the Misses Jennings and Bellew blushed up to the eyes.

'Oh, come away, come away,' cried Miss Marshall, turning sharp round; but I stopped her.

'Why should they go away, my dear?' I asked.

'Because, because-' and then stopped.

'Because what?' said I.

'Because-I think you are a naughty bad man, Sir Charles,' sobbed the foolish girl, and burst into tears.