Edward Sellon - The New Epicuriean

Thus you see, my dear Lais, that like a true Epicurean, I never let slip any pleasure within my reach.

I think it behoves us to live while we may and give full scope to those delicious sensual appetites which we can only enjoy for so short a time.

Hoping soon to have the happiness of seeing you here,

I remain, Your devoted Admirer.

I believe, my dear girl, I gave you a full relation of all that had passed here during this last three months on the occasion of that delicious clandestine visit you paid me about a week ago. I am now going to continue the narrative, which I hope will prove edifying to my dear little girl.

You must know then, my love, that I was most anxious to become better acquainted with my wife's young cousins, and as she was quite willing I should do just as I liked with them, I sent a letter to Mrs. J requesting that they might pass a few days with us. They arrived accordingly the next morning.

'Now, Cecilia,' said I, 'I want you to leave us entirely to ourselves; so do you go and make a few calls in the neighbourhood.'

To this the dear little wife at once consented, so taking each of my little cousins by the hand, I proposed we should go a nutting (you know what a famous nut wood I have here). The little creatures were delighted and skipped merrily along. Arrived at the wood, they began climbing the trees in search of the nuts, showing me their little fat bottoms and legs without the least concern.

As soon as they had gathered a pretty considerable basketful, I proposed that we should seat ourselves under a spreading tree and eat them.

'Now, my little loves,' said I, 'while you are cracking your nuts, I will try and amuse you.'

The pretty creatures in seating themselves drew up their legs so as to make a lap to hold their nuts, and as Mrs. J had taken care their petticoats should be short, I had a full view of all their youthful charms. Plump, white little thighs, between which pouted their rosy slits, a luscious sight, enough to fire the veins of an anchorite.

But, as I have no pretensions to that holy character, I was beside myself with desire and ready to eat them up altogether. However, I restrained my impatience with much ado and began to beat about the bush.

'Now I daresay, my darlings, you would like to know where the babies come from?'

'Oh!' cried the little Agnes, 'I know very well.' Then whispering mysteriously in my ear, 'They come out of the parsley bed.'

'Nonsense,' cried Augusta, who had overheard her, 'no such thing, I know better than that; they come from the mother, do they not, Sir Charles?'

'Yes, my dear,' said I sententiously, 'indeed they do; but can you tell me how they got into the mother's stomach in the first place, and how they get out in the second?'

'Why, no, Sir Charles, I cannot tell what made them get there, nor do I exactly know how they come into the world; some of the girls at our school say that the mother's stomach opens and lets them out, but I really do not quite know.'

'Would you like me to tell you, then?'

'Oh, dear sir, of all things, do, do, tell us all about it.'

'Well, then,' said I, laughing, 'I must begin at the beginning.'

'Yes, yes, mat's it,' cried the little girls in a breath, cracking their nuts and very wickedly throwing the shells at an unoffending sparrow who was hopping about near them.

'Very well,' said I. 'In the beginning the heaven and the earth were created-'

Oh, lud, we know all about that, you see. But what has that got to do with it?' cried the saucy Augusta.

'In the beginning the heaven and the earth were created,' I went on, dogmatically, 'every creeping tiling and all that therein is, male and female. Now, can you tell me why they were made male and female?' My young pupils looked puzzled.

'I will tell you,' said I gravely, 'they were made male and female that they may be joined together, just as you saw the pony stallion and the mare joined, and thus propagate their land. There is nothing wrong or indelicate in their doing this; are we not told to “be fruitful and multiply”?'

'Of course we are,' cried the girls in a breath.

'Well, then,' I continued, 'Miss Marshall was wrong in wishing you to come away the other day, for, my dear children, you were contemplating one of the works of nature. Now you know, I dare say, that little boys are not made like little girls?'

'Oh, yes; we know that.'

'Well, shall I tell you why they are not?'

'Oh, yes; do, do.'

'Well then, because that little innocent thing of the boy's is capable, in the man, of becoming a great thing, and nature has ordained that he shall feel a particular pleasure in putting that part of him into that little female opening, of which I see two specimens before me.'

They both blushed and pulled down their clothes.

'When it is in, he moves up and down, and in doing so gives great pleasure to the female, and after a time he discharges into her a thick, milky, rather gruel-like fluid, which is the seed; this being received into the womb and fecundating the ovaries or eggs, which are in her fallopian tubes-so called from a learned doctor named Fallopius, who studied them-an egg descends into the womb and begins to grow, and nine months after a child is born.'

'Oh, but that is very funny, and very wonderful,' they cried.

'My dear girls, it is not funny, but it is wonderful.'

They both looked very thoughtful; at length Augusta said, 'And would there be any harm in your showing us what this wonderful thing which makes the babies is like?'

'On the contrary, my dear little girl, here it is!' and upon my unbuttoning my breeches, out sprang my truncheon as stiff as a carrot.

'Oh, gracious, what a funny thing,' was the ejaculation which escaped them as they approached and began to handle Mr. Pasquin.

'That is the true maker of babies, my darlings, is he not a fine dolly? Play with him a little and soon you will see what the seed is like, and remember every drop may contain a baby.'

'Oh, the funny, big, red-headed thing,' exclaimed the little girls, rubbing and pulling it about. 'And what are these two balls for, Sir Charles?'

'They, my dears, contain the seed, which is formed in the loins at first, and then descending through those balls pass into the woman.' 'Then,' said Augusta, 'when people are said to be in love, it means that they want to join those parts together.' 'Just so, that is the end of all marriages.' 'But,' argued little Agnes, 'do ladies really like to have it done to them?'

'Of course they do, my dear, if they love the man they marry.'

'But why do they like it?'

'Because they feel a strange pleasure in the act.'

'Really, how very odd,' both exclaimed.

'Not at all,' said I, 'let me just tickle you a little in that part and you will soon know what I mean.'

'Indeed,' said Augusta, 'I know already, for when you did that to me while playing hunt-the-slipper, I thought it very nice.'

At this admission, as they had not ceased caressing that great erect prick, a jet d'eau spouted forth, covering both their hands with the warm fluid, at which they both gave a little scream of astonishment and then fell to examining it attentively.

'And every drop of this curious stuff contains a baby?' enquired Augusta.

'Every drop,' said I.

'Who would have thought it,' she continued, much interested, 'how very, very curious.'

'Having now told you all about that part of the business, my dear children,' said I, 'I must now go on to tell you that the pleasures of love are manifold, and I will explain to you what some of those pleasures are.

'First of all is the pleasure derived from titillation with the finger, as practised by schoolgirls. But this, though very exquisite when first commenced, palls after a year or two, deadens the sensation of the little cunny and, what is worse, injures the health. The blooming cheeks will then become pale, the bright eyes sunken, the skin yellow and flabby. Therefore that is not the enjoyment I intend to recommend to you, my dears.