Li Yu - The Carnal Prayer Mat

As for all those lovers' oaths sworn on pain of death, they are just cynical ploys used by heartless women to deceive men, and I cannot bear to utter them.

Respectfully, Fragrance, the concubine you favored with your love.

After finishing the letter, she stood by the door until she saw the Knave walking by. But upon giving it to him, she began to worry that Vesperus would be too timid for such a dangerous venture, and she conceived the idea of picking quarrels with Honest Quan until he couldn't stand her and would be willing to follow the precedent of Zhu Maichen and let her go. [59]

Feigning constant illness, she gave up her spinning. Her husband even had to make the tea and do the cooking. If the tea was a little cold, she would accuse him of not boiling the water, and if the food was a little tough, she would complain that he had not cooked it properly. She got up every morning at dawn and nagged steadily until evening, stopping only when she went to bed. He had to be ten times as diligent as before if he was to get safely through the night; otherwise she would order him out at midnight to make tea or prepare medicine, and that would be the end of his uninterrupted sleep.

When they had sex, she used the same means by which she had disposed of her first husband, hoping to send Quan on his way and leave herself free to marry someone perfect in all three respects. Faced with her scorn and loathing in the daytime, Quan did his utmost to serve her at night, to atone for his misdeeds. To his dismay, however, his nocturnal efforts did nothing to make up for his daytime delinquencies. She had scarcely gotten out of bed than her whole attitude changed, striking fear into his heart before she opened her mouth. In less than two months she had so worn down her tiger of a husband that his bones stood out like matchsticks and he barely clung to life.

When the neighbors saw what was happening, they felt indignant, but because of their fear of the Knave they were reluctant to tell Quan. He, however, noticing this sudden change in a wife who had previously been so contented and affectionate, realized that there must be a reason behind it and continued to question them.

"Was there any outsider at the house while I was away? Did you notice anything going on?"

At first they made out they knew nothing, but at length, under the pressure of his questioning, they took pity on him as an honest man about to die at the hands of an adulterous wife and felt obliged to respond. "Well," they replied, "yes, there was someone who made a few visits to your house, but he is not the kind of customer you would want to provoke. If you do, it will be just as the proverb says: 'An open thrust is easy to dodge, but a sneak attack is hard to avoid.' Not only will you fail to stop him, you could suffer a very nasty accident."

"Who is this man, that he's so dangerous?"

"None other than the dreaded, world-famous miracle thief, A Match for the Knave of Kunlun. He was passing by your house a while ago when he saw what a good-looking woman your wife is and came over and asked whose wife she was. We told him she was yours, and he said, 'What a mismatch for this woman to be married to a husband like that! Do they get along all right?' We assured him you got on very well indeed. Then later he noticed you were away on business and came and asked us, 'How long will Honest Quan be away?' We assumed that he wanted to buy some silk and told him, 'The whole trip will take ten days or more.'

"But from then on, we heard noises coming from your house every night, as if there were people talking in there. If it had been anyone other than the Knave, we'd have gone and investigated. But you know how it is, you'd sooner provoke the God of the Years than this fellow. [60]Even if you leave him alone, he may still come and get you, but if you offend him, you're in real trouble. Moreover, there's no provision in the law for neighbors to seize people in adultery. And so we let him come and go as he pleased. He slept there ten or more nights, until you came back and the road closed again. We're telling you this, but you've got to keep it to yourself and be on your guard at all times against revealing it to anyone else, or it will bring disaster down on all of us. Even in front of your wife you'll have to control your feelings and not give yourself away. Otherwise she'll let him know, and none of us will be left in peace. If we're lucky, we'll lose only our property; if we're unlucky, we'll lose our lives as well."

"I saw him coming in to buy silk all the time and I was surprised he was such a big customer. So this is why! Well, gentlemen, if you hadn't told me, I would never have known, so I shall respect your wishes and not tell anyone. But the day will come when he'll fall into my hands, and when I've caught him and cut off his head, I shall ask you to back me up."

"That's foolish talk," said the neighbors. "As the saying goes, 'You have to have the goods to arrest the thief, and you have to catch them in the act to prove adultery.' He's been a thief all his life, and he's never once been found with the goods on him. Do you really suppose that after a few nights of adultery he's going to let you catch him in the act? Now, don't take offense, but that wife of yours isn't yours anymore. If he carries her off with him one day, just be happy if you don't have to provide the dowry."

"How could he do that?"

"An old technique of his, haven't you heard?" asked the neighbors. "A wall may be dozens of feet high, but he'll clear it at a single bound! Or it may be hundreds of courses thick, and he'll get through it the first time! That cottage of yours will give him no trouble at all. He's sure to get in, by one means or another, and not only will your wife be taken off, all your property may well go with her as dowry. You'll have to be on your guard against a double loss."

Honest Quan grew even more alarmed and, kneeling down in front of the neighbors, begged them to think of some plan for avoiding such a disaster. The neighbors sympathized with his plight and tried to think of a solution. Some urged him to divorce his wife and cut off the danger at the root. Others told him to take his wife and flee with her to some distant place. Quan was in a dilemma until another neighbor, a man of some experience, offered his opinion.

"Neither solution will work," he said. "Even if Quan's wife could be evicted under the law, he hasn't gathered any evidence. On what grounds is he going to divorce her? And the Knave knows every road in the land. He'll track you down no matter where you move to, and when he does, you'll have delivered your life into his hands, I'm afraid. In my humble opinion, the only thing to do is make the best of a bad deal. Since your wife has no desire to stay with you, there's no point in trying to keep her. You'd be far better off getting a little money from selling her, so that you won't suffer a loss. If you sell her to anyone other than the Knave, she'll refuse to go, and when he hears about it, he'll resent your trying to break up his affair and will retaliate. The best thing would be to sell her to him. A thief can easily get his hands on some money, and since he's in love with your wife, he may be willing to put up a hundred or two. With that you should have no difficulty getting a second wife. Find a homely one who'll give you no trouble, and you'll be ahead in two respects: you'll have a wife and you'll be able to keep your property."

"Excellent idea!" said Quan. "Although it's not what a husband ought to be doing, it's the only option I have. But there's just one problem. I can hardly ask him myself, so I shall need a middleman. Would one of you gentlemen be willing to act for me?"

"If that's what you want," said the neighbors, "we wouldn't mind helping out. But once you've sold her, you're not to go stirring up trouble by saying we conspired with a scoundrel to seize your wife."