Li Yu - The Carnal Prayer Mat

"Don't be ridiculous! You don't mean what you're saying, but even if you did, he'd never want an ugly woman like me. If you wish to do me a favor, let me burst in on you after you've been to bed with him a couple of times. You can pretend to be embarrassed and insist that I join in, as if we were taking turns at being the banker in a gaming house. That just might work."

"I did mean what I said, and I know how it can be done, too. I noticed how awfully persistent the man can be. I tried to snub him, but I can't have been stern enough, because just before leaving he joked about trying to sneak in here tonight. Our husbands are away, and there's hardly anyone at home. Lock your place up tonight and come over here to sleep. We'll blow out the lamp, and I'll hide. Then, if he does come, you pretend to be me and sleep with him. Afterward he'll have to sneak away in the dark and will never suspect it was you in my place. Consider you're doing me a favor, as well as preserving my good name. Now isn't that a wonderful idea?"

"From what you say, I gather you've already told him he can come. I'm tickled to death at the idea, of course, and I couldn't turn it down even if I wanted to. But there's one thing I don't understand. Why would you let him come here and not go to bed with him yourself? No virtuous woman has ever behaved like that."

"I'm not acting hypocritical or covering my ears as I steal the bell. The fact is, I've already savored every bedroom pleasure there is. No one is a match for my husband where virility's concerned, and someone who has enjoyed a banquet will turn up her nose at a scratch meal. If the food's mediocre, better not try it. That's why I won't compromise."

"I know what you have in mind. Master Quan's endowment is well known around here. You've been shaped on a big last and you're afraid that a child's one won't do. So you want me to spy out the land for you. Well, I'm more than prepared to sacrifice myself, because it's no great hardship to play the spy in this case. There's just one thing, though: you must wait until I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, not come charging on to the battlefield at the critical moment, leaving me in a bind as to whether to advance or retreat. There's an old saying you ought to keep in mind: 'When feeding a priest, you might just as well bury him alive as not let him eat his fill.'"

"I'm not expecting any such luck. You can set your mind at rest."

Having agreed on their plans, the two women waited until it was time to put them into effect.

This was a momentary stroke of luck for the ugly neighbor. She has received this splendid assignment, and it is her shoe that the brand-new, freshly restructured last will be the first to shape. If you wish to learn the last's proportions, you must wait a little while until the event takes place.

CRITIQUE

Fragrance's plan for taking a lover is absolutely masterly, a variation on the principle that it's a wise subject who knows how to choose the right lord and master. How different she is from some passive observer with no purpose in mind! What a pity she met the adulterer at this stage, for the meeting will lead her to a career of good works! If Vesperus had acted three months earlier than he did, the neighbor's loss of her chastity would have coincided with Fragrance's preservation of hers. If there are any enlightened officials about who are interested in erecting a commemorative arch or shrine, I have an honorand to propose whose name is as fragrant and glorious as that of the chaste maid of "I Want to Get Married." [54]She opened up a convenient new route within Confucian morality, and for a thousand years to come all those women who, despite their disloyal thoughts, manage to avoid taking another husband will be able to look up to her as a pioneer.

Poem:

Let us tell how the neighbor went home rejoicing in her enviable assignment. She got some cloths ready for wiping up her secretions, lest they soak her friend's bedding, then waited impatiently until evening, when she locked her door and crossed the lane.

Fragrance decided to play a trick on her. "I'm afraid I've brought you here on false pretenses," she said. "I've just received a note: someone has taken him drinking and he can't get away, but he would like to set another date. You might as well go home again."

The neighbor was so upset her nostrils flared and her eyes flashed. She blamed Fragrance for not sending a message right back insisting that he come, but at the same time she strongly suspected that Fragrance now regretted the whole arrangement and wanted to get rid of her and have him all to herself. Fragrance let the protests continue for some time before explaining, with a laugh, "I was only having you on. He should be here any moment now. You'd better get ready to go to bed with him."

She heated a bowl of water so that she and the neighbor could wash their private parts, then placed an easy chair across from the bed, her intention being to lie back and listen while the other two had sex. She told the neighbor to bolt the door and stand quietly behind it, for when her visitor came, he would knock very lightly. She was to let him in at the first knock, not force him to knock again and again, which might alert the people next door. After letting him in, she was to replace the bolt before taking him to bed, where she should keep her voice down, lest he recognize her.

The woman nodded and sent Fragrance off to lie down, while she stood guard by the door. She had waited a solid two hours without anyone coming, and was just going in to ask Fragrance's advice, when in the darkness someone suddenly clasped her in his arms and kissed her. She leaped to the conclusion that it was Fragrance playing another of her tricks, this time by pretending to be a man, so she felt for the person's crotch. On reaching downward, however, she found a very large object butting at her hand and realized this was the visitor they were expecting.

Affecting a sweet, girlish voice, she asked, "How ever did you get in, dear heart?"

"Through the roof," said Vesperus.

"What a clever sweetheart! Well, now you're here, let's go to bed."

They unclasped-and undressed. Well before Vesperus, the woman had undressed completely and was lying on her back. When Vesperus mounted her and felt for her feet to put them over his shoulders, he couldn't find them; from the moment she had gotten into bed, her feet had been up and her vagina open, waiting for his penis.

I never suspected she was such a wanton, thought Vesperus. But since she is, I won't need my gentler techniques. I shall have to start off with a show of strength.

Raising himself a foot or more above her vagina, he thrust out his penis and attacked.

She began squealing like a slaughtered pig. "Oh, no! Be gentle, please!"

Vesperus parted the labia with his hands and began to work his way slowly inside. But time went by and no more than an inch of the glans had penetrated.

"The gentler I am," he said, "the harder it is to enter. I'll need to be a bit more vigorous, I'm afraid. You'll just have to put up with a little pain before you start enjoying yourself."

He attacked once more, which only set her squealing again. "Don't! Don't! Use some spit at least!"

"Spit is for virgins only; that's an inviolable rule. We'll just have to do it dry." He attacked again.

"Don't! This isn't working! If you won't break your rule, please withdraw and let me put some on."