Mark Leyner: Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

It is common for people to come into an emergency room because they can’t find their contact lens. Sometimes it is found folded and tucked beneath the eyelid, but other times it is nowhere to be found. So where is it???

Probably on the bathroom floor at home. A little anatomy lesson: there is nowhere else for it to go.

Other commonly “misplaced” items that lead people to the ER: tampons, condoms, and car keys.

This is a surprisingly frequent question, and often a reason women find themselves in the emergency room. Patients often come in either because they cannot remove the tampon or because it has disappeared and they don’t seem to know where it went.

Time for another anatomy lesson. The vagina is a potential space, not a hole or cavity inside the body. The walls of the vagina are normally in contact with each other unless something is inserted between them. When something enters the vagina, the body makes room for it. At the end of this potential space is the cervix. Therefore, there is no place for the tampon to go. It cannot be lost inside that small area and you should be able to remove it, or it can be easily removed by any doctor. Often we find nothing inside, and that means you probably forgot you removed it. Leaving a tampon inside too long can put you at risk for a serious infection, so don’t be embarrassed to ask for help.

Now, we are sure there are many possibilities as to why someone would need the answer to this question. We never asked our friend who asked this question why this was important, but surely she had her reasons.

Some sources do agree that the tongue is the strongest muscle per size, but the tongue is actually made up of four muscles. The heart has also been mentioned, but since it moves involuntarily and is mainly an endurance muscle, it doesn’t really get to the heart of this question (bad pun intended).

The sartorius, which slants across the thigh to the knee, is the longest muscle in the body. As for the strongest, there are two other candidates, the masseter, used for chewing, and the gluteus maximus. By gluteus! Who knew that our asses were so strong!

Another tidbit for you trivia geeks, here are Billy and Leyner’s two favorite ass-vocabulary words:

callipygian: having beautifully proportioned buttocks

steatopygic: an extreme accumulation of fat on the buttocks

The body usually maintains a constant temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. At this temperature the cells of the body work best. If there is any significant change in temperature, it is sensed by an area of the brain called the hypothalamus. When the body gets too cold, this center alerts the rest of the body to begin warming up. Shivering, the rapid movement of the muscles to generate heat, then begins. Teeth chattering represents localized shivering.

The appendix is a small pouch off the large intestine. The wall of the appendix contains lymphatic tissue that is part of the immune system for making antibodies.

Removing the appendix doesn’t cause any harm because there are several other areas in the body that contain similar tissue — the spleen, lymph nodes, and tonsils. The spleen and the tonsils can also be removed.

Gberg:You were going to give me a little something to add to the appendix question, Why do you have one if you can live without it?

Gberg:Some expert Leynerisms on vestigial organs.

Leyner:God put certain internal organs in the human body for purely aesthetic reasons. They just look nice when the forensic pathologist opens you up.

4:05P.M.

Leyner:How do we know yet what all the vestigial organs are? A lot of the organs that seem crucial now may seem vestigial pretty soon.

Gberg:Please explain to me what is so beautiful about the appendix. It looks like a little wet caterpillar.

Leyner:It’s so subjective, though… a little wet caterpillar is beautiful… vulnerable, bespeaking the evanescence of life and the unbearable limpness of it all. I’m sure at some time, somewhere, the appendix had its moment, its evolutionary “15 minutes” of utility.

Gberg:What the hell are you bespeaking of?

Leyner:There was probably some predator that only ate people without an appendix so that gene flourished for a while….

Leyner:Speaking of vestigial.

Leyner:What other supposedly vestigial organs are there?

Gberg:The tail.

4:10P.M.

Leyner:Wouldn’t body hair also be considered vestigial now, since we don’t live naked out on the primeval savannah?

Leyner:I try to live naked on an inner sort of primeval savannah, but you know what I mean. Body hair is surely some sort of atavistic throwback too.

Leyner:What’s the purpose of pubic hair or back hair or even hair on the head?

Gberg:Hold on, I have to look up “atavistic.” I need a freakin’ thesaurus.

Leyner:It’s all economics. There’s not enough of a service industry devoted to the appendix, so it’s anathematized as “vestigial”… hair’s cool, what with the waxing industry and salons and shampoos and conditioners, etc. etc.

Gberg:You know, I love the word “merkin,” but do people really wear those?

Gberg:Why would anyone really want a pubic toupee?

4:15P.M.

Leyner:The whole idea of a merkin is so great! I think this whole culture of plucked women is pretty perverse, actually. It’s sexually infantilizing. Who wants a woman who looks like a six-year-old down there?

Leyner:How big can an appendix get?

Gberg:I know, but by the same token, you don’t want someone who looks like a Yeti.

Gberg:Is that how you spell it?

Leyner:A Yentl?

Leyner:Yentl?

Gberg:No, the abominable snowman.

Gberg:Are you saying that Babs wears a merkin?

Leyner:Well… I know we’re digressing a bit… but rather a Yeti than a glabrous, waxen thing.

Leyner:Streisand is famous for the merkin. Made by the finest Venetian merkin-makers.

Gberg:Let’s not digress. We can get back to the book.

Leyner:From Yak scrotal hair.

Leyner:OK… back to the book.

One of the great secrets of medicine and one of the things that doctors aren’t quick to admit is that we often don’t have all the answers. Canker sores are one of those cases. Canker sores, medically known as recurrent apthous ulcers, are the most common oral disease and something that many of us have experienced. They differ from cold sores in several ways. Canker sores occur inside the mouth while cold sores show up on the lips. Cold sores are caused by the herpes virus and are definitely contagious. The etiology of canker sores is still unknown, although scientists have spent a great deal of time searching for the answer. Studies have suggested that this inflammatory disease is a result of abnormal immune response directed toward the oral membranes. Several bacteria and viruses have also been investigated as the culprit, but none has been found to be responsible.