Mark Leyner: Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

In fact, the ingestion of excess vitamin A can cause toxicity, which can include symptoms such as yellow-orange coloring of the skin, hair loss, weight loss, fatigue, and headache.

I, Billy Goldberg, would like to dedicate this answer to my dear friend caffeine. He has been with me through good times and bad. Without him I would not have survived the long nights of my hospital residency nor the deadline of this book. To my friend I proclaim, “I do not hold you responsible that I am only five foot nine!”

Actually there has been considerable research on whether caffeine consumption is linked to osteoporosis. Overall, it can be concluded that moderate caffeine consumption is not an important risk factor for osteoporosis, particularly where women consume a healthy balanced diet. Some research suggests that regular caffeine consumption may lead to loss of calcium in the urine, but this does not have a measurable effect on bone density either. So as long as you have a balanced diet with adequate calcium intake, you can enjoy your espresso with no cause for concern.

So, why did our parents scare us with this myth when we wanted coffee as children? Probably for the same reason that they invoked the fear of losing an eye whenever we ran with scissors or snapped a towel. Pure parental mind control. It also helps if the child falls asleep and leaves Mommy and Daddy alone to find out if there really is a G — spot (see chapter 3, page 94).

We truly are a nation of drug addicts. With alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, we are constantly medicating ourselves to get through our daily activities. Now that people are commonly found freebasing caffeine in the form of Red Bull, we need an answer to this pressing question: Does cutting out the morning cup of joe cause a 4P.M. headache from hell?

It is clear that caffeine can have an effect on headaches. Caffeine is present in both over-the-counter medications (Excedrin) and prescription medications. Caffeine acts to constrict blood vessels and therefore helps some headaches. But, the withdrawal symptoms you experience when cutting out your daily coffee are not as clear-cut as you may think.

A 1999 study in The Journal of Pharmacology challenged the assumption that stopping coffee causes headaches. When participants in this study were unaware of the caffeine-withdrawal focus, the frequency and severity of their symptoms were much lower and sometimes nonexistent. A recently released analysis concluded that there is a withdrawal syndrome when stopping coffee. Symptoms are thought to be worse if you consume more caffeine and then abruptly stop, although not everyone suffers the same withdrawal symptoms. Other symptoms include fatigue, drowsiness, irritability, depression, or trouble concentrating.

If you want to wean yourself off gradually, you can follow Mark Leyner’s schedule:

Monday — double espresso

Tuesday — latté

Wednesday — single espresso

Thursday — Snapple iced tea

Friday — soy half-decaf mocha cappuccino

Saturday — a 12-ounce Coke

Sunday — beer (no caffeine and a wonderful breakfast treat)

There is nothing quite like that rush you get when you mistake the wasabi for pistachio ice cream. But alas, this doesn’t lead to nose running. That is because wasabi does not contain capsaicin, the extremely irritating chemical found in jalapeño or habanero peppers. Capsaicin is believed to stimulate central nervous system fibers that control the quantity and thickness of mucus and other fluids secreted in the nasal passages and stomach.

For you trivia nerds, heat in peppers is measured on something called the Scoville Scale:

0–100 Scoville units includes most bell/sweet pepper varieties.

100–500 Scoville units includes pepperoncinis.

500–1000 Scoville units includes New Mexico peppers.

1,000–1,500 Scoville units includes Espanola peppers.

1,000–2,000 Scoville units includes ancho and pasilla peppers.

1,000–2,500 Scoville units includes Cascabel and cherry peppers.

2,500–5,000 Scoville units includes jalapeño and Mirasol peppers.

5,000–15,000 Scoville units includes serrano peppers.

15,000–30,000 Scoville units includes the Chile de Arbol peppers.

30,000–50,000 Scoville units includes cayenne and Tabasco peppers.

50,000–100,000 Scoville units includes chiltepin peppers.

100,000–350,000 Scoville units includes Scotch Bonnet and Thai peppers.

200,000 to 300,000 Scoville units includes habanero peppers.

Around 16,000,000 Scoville units is pure

capsaicin.

The single hottest known pepper is the Red Savina habanero. If you think the jalapeño makes your nose run, the Red Savina will leave you wading knee-deep in a puddle of your own nasal secretions.

No, spicy foods do not cause ulcers. Stomach ulcers can be aggravated by a nice dash of Tabasco sauce. Drinking alcohol, smoking, or experiencing stress can also make ulcers worse.

Most stomach ulcers are caused either by infection from a bacterium called Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) or by overuse of anti-inflammatory pain medications such as aspirin or ibuprofen. The ulcers caused by bacteria can be treated with antibiotics and the others treated by an end to the pill popping.

The artificial sweetener Equal and the food additive NutraSweet are both aspartame. Approved by the FDA in 1981, this sweetener is hotly debated as the cause of everything from headaches to seizures. The debate rages on via the Internet and in the medical literature. The FDA and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) both claim that this product is safe, but there are also many reports that show that headaches may be present as an adverse reaction in some patients.

There is no solid answer to the question of artificial sweetener causing headaches, but here are several things that are guaranteed to cause them:

1. Trying to help your child with math homework.

2. Telemarketers who call early on Sunday morning.

3. The map of red states and blue states.

4. Being stuck in traffic when the only clear radio station is playing an Ashlee Simpson marathon.

To begin with, it is important to understand that the delicious artificial strawberry or cherry product that we happily eat in movie theaters is not true licorice. True licorice is black and contains glycyrrhizic acid. Therefore we cannot answer the more important East Coast versus West Coast debate about whether Red Vines are better than Twizzlers.

Medical literature contains a great deal of information about the link between licorice and high blood pressure, and if you happened to be reading the English-language abstract of an article from the Norwegian journal Tidsskrift for Den Norske Laegeforening in 2002, you might have found out that “the active component of liqorice is glycyrrhizic acid, which inhibits the enzyme 11-beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase. This enzyme promotes the conversion of cortisol to cortisone and is thereby responsible for the specificity of the mineralocorticoid receptor to aldosterone in the collecting tubules. Inhibition of the enzyme allows cortisol to act as the major endogenous mineralocorticoid producing a marked elevation in mineralocorticoid activity, resulting in hypertension, hypokalemia, and metabolic alkalosis.” I can’t understand why candy companies don’t use this as a slogan. Imagine the catchy jingles, funny commercials, and booming sales of black jelly beans.